Trsitan didn't want to talk to me anymore, not even at work, and whenever he saw me he would disappear. It's torture. Good thing is, my paycheck has gotten a few more numbers on it. Only because Trsitan stopped working, because of me and of course his foot, but mostly because of me. There's still work to do, even though you have a fractured foot. Daniel keeps getting orders for me, and now I have two shows each night. It's been a week since Tristan came over and told me how bad of a person I am. Next week's finally vacation, and I'm going home for Christmas. Lottie told mom she wouldn't spent Christmas at home if I wasn't going too. So my mom said I could join them. Time to put on a straight face, no seriously; I'm not allowed to act the least bit gay in her house, and if I do she'll throw me out. I never understood my mom, but I have to follow these rules, or I'll ruin another Christmas for my sisters.
Now that I had two shows, got even more people coming every night. And even more pressure. But I'm okay, I'm best under pressure.
As I slid down the pole, people cheered, and threw money at me, the usual. But then I saw him, standing there in the crowd, wearing a dark green jumper and black skinny jeans. He smiled at me, took a sip of his beer, and saluted me. I couldn't help but smile.
"Harry Styles you cheeky bastard," I said as he found me backstage. "What do you want?"
"I want to wish you a very merry Christmas," He smiled at me. "And hear how everything's going."
"Oh, you know, it's good, as good as a stripper-without-any-heart's life could go." I smiled sarcastically at him.
"Who told you that?" He was completely serious, his eyes dark and no smile on his lips. He looked like he was ready to kill.
I felt tears threatening to escape, but I blinked them away, "Are you trying to protect me?" I smirked at him. "Because if you think I can't take care of myself, you're wrong. I've been taking care of myself since I was sixteen."
He looked startled, even hurt. I started taking off my costume and he looked away, as the gentleman he is. "Well, have a nice Christmas..." He mumbled, turned and walked away. He looked back at me by the door, smiled a sad smile, and off he was.
And I collapsed. Right there. On the floor. Backstage. I felt as if somebody had punched me in the stomach, and I couldn't stop myself from crying. All the other strippers backstage didn't even bother to check on me, or talk to me, or even make sure I was okay, they were too busy with themselves. Just like I am. I'm always so caught up in myself, not caring if I hurt anyone, and I don't know why I suddenly care. I feel guilty for telling Tristan we could never be in love or have a proper relationship, I feel guilty for telling Harry off like that, and what's up with me calling him Harry as if I've always known him?! I've known him for roughly a week, he's a talentscout and he's just being polite, but I'm being mean as always. What is wrong with me?!
Someone picked me up and carried me away from the loud music and cheering men. The person carrying me put me down on something incredibly soft, and brushed my hair away from my face. "I'll take you out of your schedule tonight, Louis." Daniels soft voice sounded, "And I'll come back here and stay with you." A door opened and closed and I was all alone again. And I cried. Why couldn't I just have a heart? Why am I so cruel all the damn time? Right when everything is perfect, somebody has to ruin it. I ruined it. I ruined it for myself, and for Tristan and now I did the same with Harry. And I only just met Harry! I never felt guilty before now, and it's killing me. The only person I want to see right now, is myself before all of this happened. I wish I could ask myself how I tricked myself into not feeling guilty for anything.
Daniel came back and just sat with me, while I cried. I stopped crying a few minutes later and he looked up at me, "What happened, Lou?" He asked.
"Tristan's in love with me, I pushed him away and he told me how heartless I am..." I whispered, barely no voice. "Harry wished me a merry Christmas, and asked me how everything's going, and I told him off... Why am I such a bad person?" I looked into his eyes.
"I think you need a distraction." He put his hand on my thigh and looked into my eyes. "Everything's going to be okay, Louis. Don't worry, okay? Just go home, pack your things, and use the rest of the year in a place you can think about things, and relax." He put his hand on my back and rubbed it, "Ian says you're off until January 5th, so use the next couple of weeks to relax as much as possible."
"No, Daniel, I can't afford not to work! I need to work!" I protested. "It's the best distraction I have, plus people are counting on me!"
"Your clients have all accepted this, and so should you. They want you to be well, healthy, and so does Ian and myself. And this could be a good thing," he said, "You could meet the love of your life."
"That's some proper bullshit." I rested back against the cushions.
He looked at with a serious look, "Go home. Now. And don't worry about paying the rent, it's been taken care of."
I looked at him, my face indicating a question mark.
"Ian's paying it, and you'll work it off when you get back after the holidays." He explained. "Now go home. Please, Louis."
I nodded and brushed the tears on my cheeks away. I started packing my things, all of my make up and costumes. When my desk was empty, I turned the lights out and looked at Daniel, "Satisfied?" He nodded, and stood up. He took my bags and put his hand on the bottom of my back, and walked with me, out of the changing room and to a cab he'd ordered for me. It kind of felt like they just wanted me gone. But I knew Ian wanted all of his strippers to be at their highest, to be healthy and happy. And he could tell I wasn't right now. I'm the best one there is, so it's obvious that he needs me to be on spot, always. I understood. But it was hard to leave them and go home to a quiet apartment. But I did. And I packed all of the things I'd probably need, and then I called Lottie, who was more than happy to have me over until Christmas.
"But you need to call that Harry guy one day." She said, when she put the last bag into the trunk. "I mean, he clearly wants you and I think you want him too." She gave me the 'I know you'-look. And she did, she's the one who actually knows me better than anyone.
"Lottie, I... I can't. It's too much of a risk and he's out of my league, plus why would he ever even want me, he's got a boyfriend for Christ's sake!" I opened the door to the passenger seat. "I just don't think that it would ever end in a nice and peaceful way." She looked at me, her face expressing a question mark.
"It's not supposed to end in a nice and peaceful way, no kind of love is! Lou, you've got to get out there! You're a loner, yeah sure you get more sex than anyone I know, but what about love?!" She protested, and I shut my mouth. She was right. I was lonely, and I didn't enjoy it anymore. I needed someone. But when I think like this, I end up thinking about Harry fucking Styles again, and I have no chances there... At all. He's got a boyfriend! They're probably engaged, and I'm a stripper. He's out of my league. And if I shoot after him, my arrow will most certainly break. But if younever shoot, you never know, right?
"Louis, love is the only thing I wish for you to experience. Love and happiness in love." Her eyes were filled with tears. "Just because mom's cold hearted, doesn't mean you have to be cold hearted too.."
I gave her a sad smile. "You're right," I turned my face and looked out of the window. The rain poured down now, and the leaves flew around in the freezing wind. No soul can survive this world, without scratches.