Mother Anorexia

The name Vivian means 'alive'. My parents made a mistake when they decided to call me Vivian. I don't feel alive.
(Some of the things I say may be found on the internet.)


1. Vivian Ali

"Stop telling me that I'm pretty, that I'm nice, that I'm awesome, that I'm just as good as the rest of them. I'm not and I never will be. There are always gonna be better girls out there, no matter what you say. Stop lying. Nothing you say can change how worthless I feel and how worthless I am."
That's how I ended my last relationship I had with a boy. After these words, he broke up with me. But he said that I'd have a piece of his heart forever.
"Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a lie. All we have is what's in between hello and goodbye."
Yes. I actually said that. I know that a normal girl would be happy to have a boyfriend like Michael. I was too. In the beginning. But then those voices came and took control over me. Now I ain't able to love anyone. Not a single soul. Except from the demons inside me, of course. So now you're gonna ask me, "What the hell is wrong with you, girl?"
That's simple. Or in fact it's not. I'm depressed, schizophrenic, and anorexic. That sounds simple, right? Let me tell you something: it's not. You wanna know how it feels? I'll tell you.
Depression is like a nightmare. You have no control of what's going on. There is no way out and it feels like no one cares. No matter what you do you're never good enough. You'll always be useless, not good enough, worthless, and hopeless. You're scared and lonely all the time. No matter what you're doing or who you're with the feelings are always there. It feels like an endless circle of guilt, worthlessness, pain, fear, and weakness. You feel like there is no point in trying anymore. It's an endless circle of failure. You feel empty, like you're not really existing. You're breathing, but that doesn't mean that you're alive. It's when it hurts to smile, hurts to laugh, hurts to breathe. Everything you do hurts, and there's no getting away from it. No one understands what you're feeling. You're silent, but in reality you are screaming for help and no one can save you. You're on your own for now on. Everything you do leaves you tired. Things you used to enjoy, they don't bring any comfort to you. The only thing that might bring relief is the feeling of the cold blade, the taste of alcohol, the smell of drugs. People will try to take those things away from you, but you don't let them. They don't understand what it's like living with depression. It's your throat tightening up with every sob as you cry making it harder and harder to breathe. It's hoping that every night you don't wake up, that maybe the pain will finally stop, even though you know it won't. It's always lying when someone asks you, "How are you?". It's always feeling tired, even if you sleep for ten hours. It's feeling so weak, every muscle in your body aching. Depression is all of those things, and so much more. It's unexplainable. Only you yourself knows what your depression feels like.
And then there's schizophrenia. You get hallucinations - you hear voices no one else can hear. You get delusions - you feel persecuted. Sometimes I also feel locked, like I can't move and I'm unable to speak. Faded feelings, sadness and anxiety, cravings for isolation, contact problems - that is schizophrenia.
And then anorexia. I guess you know what that is. I don't really eat, I feel fat. Some anorexic people think they're fat, though they're not. I don't. I know I'm skinny, but I just can't allow myself to eat.

In any event, Michael left me, just as the most of my friends did. They all think I'm boring, but I'm not. It's all the diseases. They are boring. I used to be an outgoing girl with a big smile before they came and took me. So in fact I'm a hostage. I'm captured by my inner demons. One can say that I'm captured by myself - by Vivian Ali.

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