~~I haven't been able to write much lately, even though I feel like I might break in half if I don't.
It's like I have all the words, and in my head it sounds just perfect, and I know exactly what to write. But then, when I actually turn on the computer, or put the pen between my fingers, I can't seem to conjure up a single sentence.
I haven't been able to figure out why. There is plenty to write about, and I've got more than a couple of ideas, but nothing seems fit when it reaches the paper. Which makes me wonder...
A few years back, someone, and I don't remember who, asked me where and how I started writing a story. Back then I didn't know how to answer, because it all seemed to come so natural. It wasn't a question of how og where to start, it was a question of when I could get to work. I could always write, in fact I couldn't be without it. The addiction to writing itself hasn't gotten much better, but strangely my ability to do so has decreased significantly. I finally I think I might know why.
I was watching a video of Taylor Swift on youtube, performing her song All Too Well live. It is no secret to anyone that I love Taylor's lyrics, and All Too Well is in my opinion the best song she has ever come up with.
But that's not the point.
The point is, that when she presented the song, she explained that people often asked her how she knew where to start with her songwriting, and she said: ”I start with the things that haunts me the most.”
She is quick to clearify that she does not necessarily mean bad things. Ghosts can linger in the form of good memories too. And sometimes you even want to forget those things even more than the bad stuff. But you still remember it All Too Well.
That hit me. Really, that is how I feel. I write about the things that keeps popping up in my mind, the things that won't leave me alone. Sometimes it's something in my own life, sometimes it's a storyline, but what all of it has in common is the fact that it is something that just won't leave me until I write it down. - And maybe not even then.
I realized I felt like her that way. I write about the things that haunts me, whether it's about me or fictional people. And always, when something is pressing on ME, my persona, I need to get it out of the way before I can focus on the fictional people who reside in the corners of my mind.
And that's why I can't write. Normally I start of pieces about myself where it hurts the most.
But lately, everything has just been one great wound, slowly transforming itself into a scar. All around me, in me, on me, I'm hurting. And I got this delusion that if I can just write it down, it will all go away.
I severely doubt that, that is true, but you never really know.
So now that I have figured out the why, I need to figure out how to get around it. How do I find out where it hurts the most? How do I know where to start? I have to figure it out very soon, because all those stories in my head is playing with my sanity.
And also because I just miss losing myself in this work that I love. The only thing better than losing yourself in a book you love, is losing yourself in writing a book for someone else to love. And I have a theory that I need to do that, in order to cure myself of my months-long writer's block.
I hope this will be the beginning of this process. And either way, it was even better than I remembered, to get something, anything, down on paper.