2. Chapter 1
October 2nd, 2012
"Bye Kyle!" I reach up hug my boyfriend, smiling a little before catching up with my best friend Margo. I was finally starting to like school. I had a ton of friends, an actual boyfriend, and the classes were starting to make sense. I wish I could freeze this time in my life; it was better than all the years I've had before. "Come to the bathroom with me." Margo pulls me down the hall before I can object into the fairly packed restroom. "Hey Blake!" I hug one of my closest friends. She laughs and squeezes me back. From the back of the bathroom, next to the stalls, I see Erin Wentworth shooting daggers at me with her eyes. She was Blake's bestie, but I was kind of pissed with her. I walk over to her, putting my hands on my hips. "What Erin?" We don't even greet each other anymore; we just trade gossip during the few times we see each other. "You're dating Kyle?" She said his name like it was venom. I cross my arms self consciously. "What's your point?" Her jaw flies open in a combination of rage and surprise. "Lena! You don't know anything about him! Have you heard anything at all? Where have you been?" I squeeze my hands into fists. "What are you trying to say?" She sighs. "You need to breakup with him, Lena. Do you know how many girlfriends he's had in the past year? He's such a whore! He's trying to use you, listen to me." As I hear her tell story after story, tears start filling my eyes. I know what she's saying is true. The lump in my throat suddenly becomes very hard to swallow. I nod, looking down at my feet. I can't even recognize my voice as the next words leave my mouth. "I get.....I get what you're saying." Before she can say anything else, I turn around and practically run out of the bathroom. For the rest of the period, I sat and thought about Kyle and everything she said about him. I knew Erin was right; she wouldn't lie to me. That was what hurt me the most. When I see him in seventh period he smiles but then I look away, forcing the tears out of my eyes and balling my hands into fists. The second the bell finishes ringing, Mr. Caste goes into his lecture about something or the other; heck I didn't even hear a word he said. I was grateful for the final bell and I yank up my bag, running down the hall. I would do anything, anything to escape Kyle.
The thing about me is that when I hear about the thing that makes me upset, it doesn't fully register until late at night. That's when I break down. I am absolutely numb to the pain until I'm in my room with the door shut. Then it hits me so hard I can't even breathe between the waves of sobs. But that's not the worst of it. The worst is when the buried wounds, the buried words I know about myself open in the back of my mind, freeing my demons. Word after word hits me like a slap in the face over and over.
No wonder he used you. I mean look at you and look at him. How could he possibly like you? Are you crazy? You're stupid, you're ugly, you're too fat, your hair is hideous, you're too loud, you're too stubborn, you're so stupid. Everything Erin said was right. Everything those people had the nerve to say to your face was true. It was all true. Why did he even use you? You're not even good enough to be used! Look, that guy you used to like but turned you down? See even he hates you! Who wouldn't hate you? All your friends take advantage of you and don't feel a thing. See you get used everyday of your life and you're completely oblivious to it, that's how stupid you are!
I press my pillow to my face and scream, the words raging inside my brain, shaking my hands and burning my eyes. And I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop......