"N-Niall..I don't think im ready for this"
I stayed seated in the car while Niall opened the door for me.
"Mate, it's been two years and you haven’t even visited her yet..I really think its time"
He held his hand out and i grabbed it, pulling my weight out of the car and brushing my self off. I brushed my slightly greasy curls out of my face taking deep breaths and readying myself for this. This is the first time i have ever visited her. What am i going to say? How am i going to say it?
I started to get myself worked up and flustered with nerves. I haven’t spoken to her in ages, what if sh-
Someone calling my name snapped me out of my panic. I walked over to the beckoning call and was handed a bunch of red and yellow flowers which i was unable to see over.
I walked over to the large gates and stared out at the slabs of stone. I felt my knees weakening and my stomach tightening at the sight. I took one more deep breath and stepped foot onto the concrete path trailing through the peaceful field.
I peered behind me to see the boys stood at the gate, allowing me to do this alone. I nodded at them and swallowed a lump in my throat before turning and slowly following the path.
I walked at my slowest pace, rehearsing what i was going to say to her in my head. I repeated it all about 20 times and finally reached her. My heartbeat increased by a thousand.
I smiled at her, nervously brushing my hair out of my face. I continued staring at her, eventually snapping out of my gaze and regaining composure. I jumped into action quickly remembering.
"Almost forgot. I got you these-well the boys got you these. i-i didn’t know I was coming to see you otherwise I would’ve bought you something else, something more special, maybe to the both of us? im not sure what though, but I would’ve, I promise-"
I scratched the back of my neck nervously, completely regretting what i just said. I made a fool out of myself. fuck sake. I rehearsed everything i was going to say, and i just blew it. Fucking idiot.
I walked onto the damp grass and sat down next to her. I pulled a strand of grass out and started fiddling with it, too nervous to look at her.
I started before i sighed.
"I’ve missed you. And the thing is you'll never know how much I have"
i started pulling a few more pieces of grass out and started ripping them.
"I wonder if you miss me to?"
I smiled to myself hoping that she has missed me the same amount that I have missed her.
"Listen, I’m sorry that I haven’t visited you. I haven’t been able to bring myself around to do it. I felt that if i see you like this, then I’m not going to remember how you were"
My cheeks started to redden.
"You were so beautiful. Especially when you wore your hair in curls. Oh, and when you wore red lipstick. I remember that one Christmas where it was just me and you, nobody else, just us. And you wore that sexy little Santa lingerie I bought you."
I stopped and relished in the moment with a smile beaming from my face. Reality hit me and fury started to build.
"I can’t believe that I didn’t see you getting skinnier. How could I be so fucking stupid?!"
I punched the grass, and dragged my hands through my hair in an attempt to calm down my sudden mood swing. I took a few moments and cooled down.
"I’m sorry baby. I didn’t mean to get angry"
I smiled at her, looking down at my watch and sighed.
"I have to go"
I pushed myself up from the grass with a sodden backside.
"Happy birthday sweetie"
I re-arranged the flowers.
"They really compliment you"
I laughed at my own joke.
"I love you forever and ever, and I don’t want you to ever forget that"
I placed a kiss on the marble slab and let a tear roll onto it.
"Just don’t forget that"
I backed away, still not taking my eyes from her. I read the writing.
"RIP Alex Patterson. Daughter, sister and loving girlfriend to Harry Styles whose memories will always be kept and cherished. Loved forever and always. 'I wish you well and so I take my leave, I Pray you know me when we meet again.."
"I wish you well and so I take my leave, I pray you know me when we meet again"
I recited her favourite quote by Shakespeare and wiped a remaining tear from the corner of my eye.
"Goodbye baby. We'll meet sooner than you think"