Prodigy's Hopefully Constructive Criticism [Closed, sorry]

I will read at least part of your ORIGINAL story and give you criticism that is thorough, hopefully constructive, possibly positive, and definitely nit-picky. You have been warned. Cover credit goes to the wonderful dramaticllama Nightshade :D


18. We Are the Damned by Evalynne Shadownight


-In the first paragraph, there should be a comma after "crowd" rather than a semicolon. But remember that punctuation ALWAYS goes inside of quotations marks!

-The line "The human race all seems the same..." seems a little disjointed and confusing to me. Is Ashley the "Leveller"? Or are you saying Leveller, Ashley, and I? I think that could be simplified a bit.

-"She responds with a..." shouldn't have a semi-colon after "gaze." Semi colons are only used to join two sentences that are very closely related, but could stand alone if they had to.

-You're missing a space in "a measly nothing boywho..." but it should actually be "boy whom."

-I think you should have mentioned a little earlier that they were at a party. I was imagining them outside in the open, for some reason, and now I have to rethink that. 

-The sentence "I remember once..." may or may not be a run-on, but either way, it's kind of long and cumbersome. If I were you, I'd break it up. If you don't, though, there shouldn't be a comma before, "and the smell of grease..." In the same italicized section, there also shouldn't be a comma before, "and collided with me."

-I assume you'll explain what you mean by "when I came up"?

-There shouldn't be commas around "and a smile licks her face" in the paragraph which begins with "Her eyes flick..." Also, "licks" gives an odd mental image... In the same line, what do you mean by they might never be? What may never be?

-Okay, so Rachel pulls back her hand to punch... and then her fist hits the floor? Why is she on the floor? Or how did she end up being close enough to the floor to accidentally hit it?

-It seems like Aisla is a little out of character. Her personality switches so many times. First she is girlishly embarrassed/shy, then she's fierce and claiming Jacob, then she's evilly gleeful, then suddenly she's growling. It's a little hard to characterize her.

-I thought the main character was invisible. I take it that Aisla can see her because they're of the same species, but you might want to add something in about this.

-In the paragraph, "It isn't a question..." you have "Of course, I say" all in quotations.

[Chapter 2]

-I'm not sure a "warm blanket" is the best imagery for a snowflake...

-In the chapter which begins, "My lip curls..." you have "I in now way..." instead of "no way."

-When you say " his horse's voice..." do you actually mean he has a horse voice somehow? Because that doesn't make sense at all to me. "In his hoarse voice" would seem much more natural to me.

-In the last line of the paragraph that begins, "Yes, Kear here, has..." you have "through" instead of "throw."

-As they're running, it says that Aariea is advancing upon Kear, then Kear reaches for a lock of her hair. My mental picture is that Aaeria is still a ways behind Kear, so it'd be  reaching behind her? Is that what you meant?

[Chapter 3]

-In the paragraph that begins, "The clock's hand strikes..." you have "My hand is grazed my the walls."

-The paragraph that begins, "I can assure you..." seems really out of character to me. One minute Kear is taunting and nearly swearing and the next she's speaking as eloquently as a college professor? But if you do keep it, it should be "as despicable as she" rather than "as her."

-You use "you" in the paragraph, "Out of the corner of my eye..." It's usually not a good thing to use that in proper writing unless you've already established that you're speaking to the reader in an informal way, like in a diary setting. 

-There's an awful lot of fighting in here. 


Okay, so I'm really sorry that this took forever. I've had the first two chapters CC'ed for a while now, but I wanted to do at least three before I posted it, and I've been super busy lately. Since I'm doing this for our CC swap, if you want me to keep you on the list for this review movella I will (so that when I get down to this story again, I'll finish it off).

Regardless, it's obvious that you've put quite a bit of time, effort, and especially thought into this movella. The one thing I have to say is to make sure that is coming across; we can't see inside your head. Obviously I'm only partway through, but by the third chapter,  I would expect to at least know a little bit of how this world is arranged. I get that there are Cores, Mantles and Crusts, which is cool, but I really don't know how to picture them. With introducing a whole new race of creatures, you really have the freedom to do whatever you want, but with that comes the essential aspect of telling us what you've decided. You tend to use a lot of metaphors in your imagery, which is good, but also confusing in the fact that I don't know when they're metaphors and when to take them literally. The way you described one of the crusts in chapter two, I think, was as a "sphere" with two orbs of "liquid sky." I didn't know whether you meant that he was a person with a roundish figure and two blue eyes, or that he was literally a sphere. It may seem stupid, but since this is the first time we met a creature like this, that could actually be how you wanted to make him. Pretty much, I guess I'm saying to give us a more clear description and hold off on the metaphors for a little while, or to make the metaphors obvious enough that we can tell what you mean. But all in all, you have a really cool plot going, so keep writing!! 

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