Prodigy's Hopefully Constructive Criticism [Closed, sorry]

I will read at least part of your ORIGINAL story and give you criticism that is thorough, hopefully constructive, possibly positive, and definitely nit-picky. You have been warned. Cover credit goes to the wonderful dramaticllama Nightshade :D


11. Throughout the ages by PonyMad_BookLover

I've only read the first few chapters of your story, but here's what CC I have so far:


-It's sometimes good to use repetition to make an impression, but I feel like you used "ruined" a few too many times in the first paragraph. I'd recommend finding some different words for the line "I had ruined my life, she had ruined my life." In addition, that's a run on sentence unless you make the comma a period or a semi colon. 

-The line "It looked so innocent...bright sunlight." seems really choppy to me. You might want to make that flow a little better with less commas. Maybe, "It looked so innocent just sitting there, not tempting fate. The dust gathered on its red cover which was tinted by the eras of bright sunlight." The way you had the second part phrased, it made it seem like the dust was what was tinted by the sun. I'm assuming you meant the cover, so be sure to watch that. Furthermore, "faded" would probably be a better word than "tinted". 

-If the italicized and underlined part is supposed to be a thought, you probably don't need the underline.

-At the end of the second paragraph, I don't know what the fragment "Nobody when they actually had friends." is supposed to mean.

-When you use "though" as an interrupter in the middle of the sentence, be sure to put commas on both sides.  For example, "I couldn't, though, give up my..."

-Chapter two, second paragraph, "He was just a tad bit too perfect, a tad bit..." etc

-I think you have a typo at the beginning of a paragraph in about the middle of chapter two. Should "lover" be "love"?


I like the way you have repeating lines in the different chapters of the story; it really ties it all together. The one thing plot wise that bothers me, though, is that I feel like you're doing a lot of summarizing and very little showing. Follow the advice, "Show the reader, don't tell the reader." I understand that it's the beginning of the story and that it's setting up the background, but you don't want this to be one long summary. You could either add in some dialogue or make it in the form of a journal entry - just something to keep the reader involved. You're doing great though, keep it up!

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