Prodigy's Hopefully Constructive Criticism [Closed, sorry]

I will read at least part of your ORIGINAL story and give you criticism that is thorough, hopefully constructive, possibly positive, and definitely nit-picky. You have been warned. Cover credit goes to the wonderful dramaticllama Nightshade :D


3. Release the Panic by Dystopia


To begin, you have a very interesting collection of stories here! They're intriguing and would be really cool if developed into longer stories as well (especially the clown one).

As for the CC:


-I understand that  having short, one or two sentence paragraphs can be effective for suspense, but it's not a good habit to fall into, on the whole. Having everything so spaced out, with no real descriptive paragraphs, can give the story a disjointed feel and make it seem less professional. Unless you intend your story to be more in line by line poem format, I recommend combining some of the short one-liners into paragraphs.

-I didn't think it was logical that Summer automatically assigned the name "Crop" to the man in your first story. Cropped hair, to me, doesn't seem a distinctive enough figure to garner a nickname. In reality, the character would probably be far too panicked to think of such a thing. Personally, I think it'd be more believable if he had a name-tag with his name (even if it was like a model name or something), or holding a clipboard with his manufacturer's name across the top that she could assign to him.

-You said in the blurb that this is about falling victim to your worst fears, but I was a little confused as to what that fear was in the first story. Was it being poisoned? Being experimented on? Androids? Falling into space? Only the title portrayed the fact that it was needles over all of those other possibilities, but it should've been in the text. The ending left it a little unresolved.


-I'm not sure how you can grab a purse "mockingly". Perhaps you could substitute "petulantly"? 

-In the fifth paragraph, "what's" slips into the present tense. It should be "what was". It slips again in the seventh paragraph with "watch" and then remains in the present. You'll want to pick one and make it consistent throughout.

Being Blind/The Dark

-Who is the I in the sentence, "At least I didn't know..."? You started out in third person.

-Why did she black out at the end? Pain? Shock? Something hit her?


-I find the premise of this story to be illogical. If someone were terribly afraid of spiders and found an egg sac, they certainly wouldn't kick it. They might feel the need to destroy it, to kill them and get them away, but as anyone afraid of something like a bug or spider knows, they wouldn't want to come in any contact with it whatsoever. Furthermore, if she did kick it and babies went everywhere, she'd probably be so paranoid that they were on her shoe, on her pant leg that she'd never stop outside to tie her shoe. She'd probably run to the house. 


-"It's mouth was dripping..." should be "Its", since this isn't an appropriate place for the contraction "it is".

-I don't see how the ending ties into the fear of canines.


All in all, you're doing good! I hope you don't think this is too harsh, but it is what you came and asked for. I think if you format these with longer paragraphs to make it more story-like, and try to put yourself in your characters' shoes to imagine reactions, you can really improve. I think the biggest problem is with realistic premises, reactions, dialogue, etc... It's good to let your imagination run wild, just be sure to keep it logical, or to at least justify the illogic. But I did like this story, keep it up! Again, don't take this personally, I'm just trying to help you make it the best it can be. :)

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