Prodigy's Hopefully Constructive Criticism [Closed, sorry]

I will read at least part of your ORIGINAL story and give you criticism that is thorough, hopefully constructive, possibly positive, and definitely nit-picky. You have been warned. Cover credit goes to the wonderful dramaticllama Nightshade :D


12. Population Control by Grace Nebel


-I'm not sure you need to open with "Once upon a time, many millennia ago..." It's a little cliche and unnecessary. Since you put the year at the top of the second chapter, it would be better if you did the same for the prologue.

-You might want to watch lines like, "That's just pure evil!" Using exclamation points outside of dialogue usually makes the tone less serious. I'm guessing you don't want that here.

-When you have dialogue, the dialogue indicator (e.g. he said, she answered) isn't capitalized if it follows. So in a line like, '"Hannah!" he called.', "he" isn't capitalized.

-In the third paragraph of chapter two, you have the line, "And when you die in New Atlanta... you desire an honorable one..." but the "one" has nothing to refer to. Try changing this to "death".

-In the fourth paragraph, it should be "...and thirty people lay dead."

-In the paragraph which begins with, "Dear creators...", you have "debated". I think you mean "indebted".

-In the beginning of chapter 3, "And now, may we eat." either needs a question mark, or to be rearranged as "And now, we may eat."

-At the beginning of chapter 4, you randomly switched from past tense to present. Pick one and keep it consistent throughout.

-In the first paragraph of chapter 6, "welcomed" should be "welcome"

-In the second paragraph, "microscopical" should simply be "microscopic"

-I don't like the line "I like things dramatic..." that makes it seem like his only motivation for breaking her out is for an adrenaline rush. It'd be better if he passed that off as time he needed to prepare or something.

-Towards the beginning of chapter 7, you use "elder" when it would sound more natural as "older"

-I think you need to come up with a better reason why they're waiting three days to kill her, when that lady could easily have done it there.

-There would be no reason for her to try to escape so rashly when Zach was coming the next day. That seems implausible. 

-I also think her infatuation with him is a bit premature. You say she's "fallen for him", but they had a two minute conversation. You might want to make it more that she respects him and is grateful for him, which can later grow into caring for him legitimately. Similarly, when the people came into her room looking for the pebble, it's a bit odd that her immediate impression of them is that they're hot. She would be so terrified that a thought like that probably wouldn't even cross her mind.  Try to put yourself in her situation to make it more realistic.

-There's no way trained soldiers would run from one injured girl with a knife.

-I don't understand why she draws in the dirt. It's true, deaf people have trouble speaking, but probably not someone who suddenly went deaf. They'd continue speaking as normal, and would just be confused when they can't hear themselves. I'm not sure if that confusion came across properly.

-Also, Zach's messages in the dirt are a little wordy for someone scratching with a stick.

-It's generally a good idea to avoid using parentheses to add information. Just say it outright.

-Don't forget that Zach is injured. The last chapter doesn't refer back to that at all.


All in all, you have a pretty good start to a story here. The plot is open to more development, and you've established a few intriguing characters. I think you have to work on taking it a bit slower, though. You have a tendency to rush reactions; you have to make the journey to them more logical. Furthermore, it might flow better if you had longer chapters. You're doing very well, though, keep writing!

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