Prodigy's Hopefully Constructive Criticism [Closed, sorry]

I will read at least part of your ORIGINAL story and give you criticism that is thorough, hopefully constructive, possibly positive, and definitely nit-picky. You have been warned. Cover credit goes to the wonderful dramaticllama Nightshade :D

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15. Plunder by Mirlotta

Myrah, critiquing your work is so tough. I'm always at a loss for what to say! I apologize for taking so long for this; I got distracted.  I love the story so far - it's a unique take on the whole rebellious character plot line, and the raw acceptance of your main character's criminal side is both shocking and highly effective. It's awesome!

 

I have little CC, and most of it is just petty wording issues:

-"My voice is pretty frail, and when I'm scared it gets shaky, sort of like the moon when it sees the sun waiting to swallow the stars." While this is a cool analogy, I had to read it a few times to understand what you were trying to say, and even now I'm not certain that I interpreted it the right way. I'm guessing that you mean it in terms of apprehension, that the moon/voice wavers when threatened by imminent sun/harm. I might rephrase it to be something like, "My voice is pretty frail, and when I'm scared it gets shaky with apprehension like the moon's as it sees the sun waiting to swallow the stars." I don't know.

-"It was all non-lethal, and there was no way they would have died or anything, so I don't see what all the fuss their parents threw up was about." I'd probably change "threw up" to just "threw." It's a minor detail, but "threw up" gives me the impression of vomiting...

-I was caught a little off guard by Sorianne randomly assaulting and punching Haydriene. I'm not sure if there's a reason behind the sudden violence which you'll explain later, but it just seemed as if there was no call for that, and it therefore seemed a little awkward or rushed to me. I know you mentioned it in the second chapter, but it still seems kind of unwarranted.

-Just a really petty grammatical error, but in the second chapter, you have "Sorianne lies a lot. More than me." Technically, it should be "More than I," but since you're writing it in first person and trying to make it sound natural, I'll leave it up to you whether or not to actually fix it. 

 

To be honest, that's about all I found. This is seriously great, please keep it going!

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