Prodigy's Hopefully Constructive Criticism [Closed, sorry]

I will read at least part of your ORIGINAL story and give you criticism that is thorough, hopefully constructive, possibly positive, and definitely nit-picky. You have been warned. Cover credit goes to the wonderful dramaticllama Nightshade :D


7. Breathe by Sanguine

Ah, another Heir of Fire entry! It's interesting and has a catching element of mystery from the very start. Well done. I don't have too much CC for you (mostly grammar stuff), but here goes:

-In the first chapter, I'd recommend putting commas in the line, "your fault, your fault, your fault..."

-In the last sentence of the first paragraph in chapter two, I think it should be "She had him in her sights."

-Last sentence of 2nd paragraph, "Though, at that moment, that purpose..."

-First sentence of 3rd paragraph, " if he had heard something, the girl..."

-Second sentence of 3rd paragraph, "...the giant trunk, she..."

-It's generally not a good idea to add in generalizations that switch into the second person like "you". Maybe you could change it to, "As a general rule, the girl found that if she stayed still enough, she could remain hidden and unseen."

-"Dropping her cloak, she hid her..." I don't get the part about the stiletto behind her back. Was she wearing stilettos? And why is she only hiding one?

-I doubt he would "drop" his sword, even onto a bed of pine needles. Maybe you could have him set it down?



So she killed him with a shoe? Nice. All in all, it's pretty good and well written. Great job and good luck in the competition!

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