Prodigy's Hopefully Constructive Criticism [Closed, sorry]

I will read at least part of your ORIGINAL story and give you criticism that is thorough, hopefully constructive, possibly positive, and definitely nit-picky. You have been warned. Cover credit goes to the wonderful dramaticllama Nightshade :D


9. Blaze by WinterSoldier

I'm so sorry this took so long. NaNo was killer. 



-First sentence, the "...different to a normal..." should be "different from a normal..."

-"...instead it was more of a target, it may as well had been painted bright red." This whole line sounds awkward to me, as well as being a run-on. I would recommend changing it to something that flows a little better like, "The dark paint which represented the royal family would do little to ward off bandits; instead, the color made it as much of a target as if it had been painted bright red."

-Last line of the first paragraph, you need a verb such as "caused" in between, "...and [caused] the air to..." Also, "rear ends" should probably be singular.

-It is generally best to avoid parenthetical additions, but if you are going to keep the (who I expected was the source of the smell), the "who" should be "whom".

-Same paragraph, "..but due to that I had no..." should be "..but due to the fact that I had no..."

-The line, "Mace glanced at Ashq..." seems awkward to me. Maybe you could change it to, "Mace glanced at Ashq in a quick movement that I would have missed, had I blinked."

-It's generally better to write out numbers rather than say "in his 40's" or "perhaps 23 at most."

-In the paragraph, "One of the horses needed rest...", you need a comma between " lie" and "I assessed..."

-There are some other grammar mistakes, but I won't point every one out.

-I think the middle section of Chapter one was slightly under-developed. I didn't get the sense that Kile and the others were acting at all suspiciously, yet your main character jumped to that conclusion. I think you need to add a little more in there about how they were behaving oddly. As it is, she is immediately suspicious as soon as they get out of the carriage, with little reason to be.

-Also, I think you need to make your characters a little more distinct, and describe them a little more. I know that there are two people named Ashq and Mace, but I can't picture them in my head. I can't hear what they sound like. I just know that they're there and that's all. I understand that it's just the beginning, but description helps paint a picture which gets the reader interested and hooked. 

-Finally, I got a little confused at the end. I had to read it a few times to make sense of it all, and I'm not sure the ending was entirely logical. First of all, you just casually threw out the word Guardian, but didn't explain it. Also, when you say that the traveller spoke in broken english, pauses between words isn't broken. Broken english would be more like, "You such pretty whore." You might want to change the description of that a little. And I also don't get why he immediately assumed she was a whore.


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