At Cambridge

A lot of things happened while I was at Cambridge. There were way too many thoughts and feelings and events and to simply note down, so I guess I'll tell the whole story. That's the only way it's going to make sense.


36. Thirty six

After a couple of weeks of Junie sneaking out and my parents forcing smiles, Christmas is over and I'm back in lectures. They're the worst thing. I'm literally being forced to look at and listen to my ex for hours on end and it just makes me stressed. He seems fine as well which is annoying. It's like I never even existed to him, the way he just bounds around talking and smiling. It's as if he thought "oh well, that was fun, moving on". I can't forget about it that easily. 

"I need a couple of you to stay behind today." he says at the end of the lecture and there's an echo of groans around the hall. Ed just laughs. "It'll just take a couple of minutes. James, Carl, Sophia, Daisy and Ben please."

I look up at him sharply but of course he isn't looking back at me. I hate the idea of speaking directly to him. Is it going to be awkward for both of us or just me?

It turns out he's talking to all of us about some assignment that we're behind on. I'm the last person he speaks to. As he speaks about my assignment to me, everybody else leaves. I'm not even listening to what he's saying. I just want it to be over. This is the weirdest thing, it's like nothing ever happened. 

"So get that to me by Tuesday, yeah?" he says, turning to his desk to pick up some paper. "Oh and you know your Gatsby essay? It's great but there are just a couple of things, you could go over it and-"

"Do you even care that we broke up?" I ask, suddenly. I kind of shock myself but I carry on staring at him. 

He stares back for a moment and then sighs, rubbing his forehead. Suddenly I see him again, not this teacher, not this adult, it's the Ed that I know. "For god's sake, Daisy."

"What?" I frown, irritated.

"We're both trying to move past that, aren't we?" he asks, exasperated. "We can't just keep talking about it."

"Well you just don't seem to care." I shrug. 

He looks sad. "Of course I care. I just... we need to move on from it."

"I don't think we should." I say  and I have no idea why. Of course we should. I just can't bring myself to say it.

He stares at me for another moment and I just know what he's thinking. He knows me. He knows I don't mean that we shouldn't move on, he knows that something has made me say that and he knows that something's wrong. 

"What's wrong, Dais?" he asks, his voice soft. That tone of voice is enough to make me burst into tears however much I wish I could have just said nothing and stormed out. 

"I feel like I haven't got anything! I don't have any control over what my parents do, I don't even know Junie anymore, I lost you." I close my eyes for a moment. It's not worth it. Crying to him about my problems isn't going to do anything. I don't know what will help but it's not him because he is one of my problems.

"Daisy." he says tentatively. I stay quiet. "Dais."

"Just forget it." I say quietly. "I'm sorry."

"No, you don't have to be sorry."

"Thank you for talking me through the assignment." I say pathetically as if changing the subject will make him forget. I start to leave. 

"Daisy, wait, you don't have to go, you can talk to me about it." he calls, standing up properly.

"Bye." I say, ignoring what he said even though I'm still crying and shaking so any attempt of making things casual is wasted. 

I don't feel like going to my room and being sad about it so I get a bus out into the city and wander around for a while, window shopping and just looking around. I just feel a bit lost. I don't know what to do about anything and it's hard to escape from that.

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