At Cambridge

A lot of things happened while I was at Cambridge. There were way too many thoughts and feelings and events and to simply note down, so I guess I'll tell the whole story. That's the only way it's going to make sense.


34. Thirty four

I wake up while Ed's still sleeping. I feel fine today but I'm not feeling so good about the conversation he and I are supposed to be having. I know how it's going to end and I know how it probably has to end but I don't want to hear it. I decide to just leave, put it off for as long as I can, while I try and think things through. Maybe I can think of a way to prevent it. 

"Hey." I say softly, waking him up as I'm about to leave. "Ed."

He frowns as he opens his eyes and then his frown softens a little. "Hey."

"You can go back to sleep. I'm just letting you know I'm going."

"Why are you going?" he frowns again. "I thought-"

"I have to go and lock my dorm room, Lucy left this morning to go and visit her family and she forgot to lock up." I lie. 

"I know that's not true." he says, sitting up and patting his hand next to him. "Come and sit down. We need to talk."

I sigh and sit next to him reluctantly. "God I don't want to have this conversation."

"Me neither." he says and then looks me in the eye. "You don't want to be together anymore." 

I look at him, sadly. "That's not it at all. Of course I want to be with you. I'm just scared."

"You don't have to be scared." he takes my hand. 

"I think we're being a bit oblivious." I hate to admit it. "Honestly, we'd get into so much trouble. It would ruin everything. I don't want to risk it."

He sighs, deeply. "You're right."

I blink back tears while he's not looking at me. He looks up at me and his eyes are glistening a little as well. This is sad and there's nothing else to say about it. It's just sad. It's only now that I am realising that I love him. I really love him. And I can see that he loves me too. It's sad that we both found each other in the wrong place at the wrong time and we can't do anything about that. We can't change it, we're going to miss each other and it's going to be hard and it's just sad. It's not dramatic or extreme, I'm just walking away and I have to carry on with everything.

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