At Cambridge

A lot of things happened while I was at Cambridge. There were way too many thoughts and feelings and events and to simply note down, so I guess I'll tell the whole story. That's the only way it's going to make sense.

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38. Thirty eight

What Ed said only hits me that night when I'm lying in bed, trying to get to sleep. He wants to get back together. I lie there for a long time, thinking it through. I guess I want to as well. It feels kind of wrong though. We've spent weeks trying to get away from it, trying to move on. It feels a bit pointless to just get back together and it also seems like we're being ignorant again. If we get back together, we're still in as much danger of being caught. But for some reason I don't care anymore. I miss him too much and love him too much. 

I catch myself off guard when I think that. Do I really love him? I tell myself I'm being silly, of course I don't, but I only feel like I'm lying when I tell myself I don't. 

By the time I've finished thinking everything through a thousand times and always coming to the same conclusion, it's three in the morning and I'm at his door. When he opens it he looks sleepy but not surprised to see me at all. 

"How did I know it was you?" he says sarcastically but he's smiling a little. "What do you want?" 

"I love you." I say, kissing him before I can feel embarrassed about what I just admitted or before he can object. He pulls away. I expect to see him frowning or for him to push me away but he's just looking at me, a gentle smile on his face. 

"What?"

I smile back at him. "You heard me. Please don't make me say it again."

He grins. "Well, same."

I stare at him, deadpan. "You're kidding me. You did not just say 'well, same'."

He chuckles, kissing me again. "I love you too."

I breathe out, relieved. "Okay now let's never say it again, it makes me uncomfortable."

He laughs. "Are you serious?" 

"Yes!" I insist and he just carries on laughing, shaking his head. 

"Okay, whatever you say."

And that's it. We're back together and I'm still scared but it somehow seems worth it.

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