At Cambridge

A lot of things happened while I was at Cambridge. There were way too many thoughts and feelings and events and to simply note down, so I guess I'll tell the whole story. That's the only way it's going to make sense.

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19. Nineteen

Once I get past the crying and confusion and everything, I just feel so embarrassed. I bet he feels humiliated, being honest like that and I just run out of the house. Why couldn't I have just stayed in there and talked to him about it? I just made a bit of a mess out of it really. And it's not like he has anything to be embarrassed about. Even if I didn't like him back, I'm flattered, truly and honestly. Even if I felt nothing for him, I'd be flattered that somebody like him saw something in me. 

But I do feel something for him and now I don't know what to do. Him saying that he feels the exact same way just makes it something I can't avoid. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what to do about George because I like being with him and I don't want to hurt him. And even if I do break up with George, what am I supposed to do then? I can't be with Ed, I would just be left with nothing. And I think what's the most frustrating is that breaking up with George is the right thing to do and I really have no choice than to be left with nothing. 

I decide to just go and talk to Ed the next morning. It's not in my nature to shy away from things like this, even though it might be in his. 

I don't know what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting him to be in his pyjamas and his hair to be a mess and for there to be dark circles under his eyes. He looks completely normal, in his jeans and a light blue t-shirt. But there is a bit of worry in his eyes, concern and just the tiniest bit of shock. 

"Can I come in?" I ask, smiling a little hopeful smile. 

He doesn't look upset really, just surprised. He nods, stepping aside. "Yeah. Yeah, sure."

As I'm walking into the kitchen and waiting for him to follow me, I try to think of what I could possibly say without making this awkward or uncomfortable. I come up with nothing so as soon as he walks into the kitchen and starts saying something, I just kiss him. And I've never been more terrified of doing anything in my life. But he kisses me back and his hands rest on my hips and I feel like I belong somewhere. With George, everything is this perfect little relationship and I like that, but it's not like this. This is really real. 

"So I'm guessing I shouldn't feel too bad about what I said yesterday." he says once he's pulled away. His hands stay on my hips. 

"You shouldn't feel bad at all." I shake my head.

He sighs, half happy half confused, I think. "What do we do with this?" 

"I don't know. Is it illegal?" 

"No." he admits. "But it's not allowed, especially not here. People will think I'm being giving you advantages and it'll ruin my reputation. It wouldn't work."

"Call me crazy but I don't want to just leave it." I say. 

He shakes his head. "No, me neither. Would it be stupid to keep it a secret? Like, sneak around and stuff?" 

"Hello, Kim Possible."

He laughs. "I'm being serious, Dais. Do you think it'd work?" 

I honestly don't know. Maybe, it will, maybe it won't. But he's right there in front of me and he could be mine and I can't turn that down. 

"Yes." I nod. "I think it would."

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