At Cambridge

A lot of things happened while I was at Cambridge. There were way too many thoughts and feelings and events and to simply note down, so I guess I'll tell the whole story. That's the only way it's going to make sense.

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44. Fourty four

I really wish I could say that sitting there for hours hoping changed something. It didn't. The next morning, I was called to the dean's office and I told them it was all me, that I did everything. I got kicked out of Cambridge university. My parents were furious when I had that phone call with them but I couldn't regret it. Not when I thought of Ed, not when I thought about how much I loved him. Nothing could make me regret that. 

I say goodbye to my friends. They seem shocked and they're not acting like they always did with me but they say goodbye and wish me luck and they mean it and that's what matters. I sit in my dorm once I've packed everything and to my surprise, Lucy pokes her head around the curtain. I quickly wipe my eyes. 

"I'm sorry." she says. 

I'm shocked to speak to her but I just shake my head. "It's my fault."

She shrugs. "I don't think there is a fault at all. You just fell in love."

I just smile at her and she nods, going back into her half of the room and I burst into tears. That's all I did, I just fell in love but it was with the wrong person at the wrong time. I hate that there are wrong people to fall in love with. I hate that Ed was the wrong person to fall in love with when he was just always associated with everything good in my mind. 

I shouldn't go and see him but I do. It's risky but I can't help it. He doesn't object, he just firmly shuts the front door behind him and hugs me tight. His cheek is against mine and we're both crying. 

"I'm so sorry, Daisy." he hugs me tighter. "I am so sorry."

"Don't be sorry." I say, my face crumpling for one moment before I just try to look at peace with everything. I can't force a smile at all, but I can manage this peaceful look, just to show him I'm not angry with him. I pull away from the hug. "I've got to go."

His face crumples. "No."

"I have to." I say, trying to smile a little to reassure him even though I can't stop crying. 

"I'll come with you. I'll admit everything and I'll come with you." he insists. 

"And you'll regret it." I tell him and I can tell that he knows I'm right. I take a step closer and kiss him. I try to commit it to memory even though I'm sure I already have.

I take a step back and he looks at me helplessly. I feel helpless too. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. We really can't do anything about this and that's what hurts so much. We love each other and we're being forced to stop. Sad is the only word for it. It's sad that I have to say goodbye to him right now. It's sad that he has to watch me leave. 

"I love you." I tell him. 

"I love you too, Dais." he says, his voice cracking.

And I walk out of the door for the last time. I run. I run before he can call me back. I run before I can tell myself to go back inside. I run before he can change his mind and tell them the truth. I know the latter won't happen. He'll never tell anybody what really happened between us because he knows I wouldn't want him too.

I guess that's something amazing about everything that happened here. In today's society, relationships are all about everybody else. What will everybody else think of this? What would everybody else say if we did this? How does everybody else feel about the way we feel? But what happened at Cambridge was just between Ed and I. That's why I was always so sure it was real. It was just him and I.

And forever, I think somewhere within me, within my heart, within my mind, it will always, always be him and I. 

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