At Cambridge

A lot of things happened while I was at Cambridge. There were way too many thoughts and feelings and events and to simply note down, so I guess I'll tell the whole story. That's the only way it's going to make sense.

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42. Forty two

We just sit there on the sofa, not really knowing what to do. Actually, I think we know exactly what to do and we don't want to face it so we don't say anything. We just sit there with our own thoughts. I feel like he's trying to find a way around it but I can't. I'm just thinking everything through and I hate that I regret it. I shouldn't regret this. Ed is amazing, this whole thing was amazing and wonderful and I hate that I regret it. 

"Hey." he says softly. "Are you crying?" 

I wipe my eyes. I'd hoped he hadn't seen. "Why did we do this?" 

He pauses. "What?" 

"We were never really meant to work, were we?" I look at him. "We were never going to last, it was never going to work, we were never going to stay together but we were never going to want to leave each other either. We knew it wouldn't end well at all but we just did it anyway. I'm just wondering why."

He takes a long time to respond. I think the conversation is over and that we're back to our own thoughts so he surprises me a little when he speaks again. 

"I guess it's just because we love each other."

I just nod in agreement. I have no idea what else to say. 

"Are you angry with me?" he whispers after a while. "Because it's okay if you are."

I look at him sadly, moving closer to him and draping an arm over him. I can't believe that one day we won't be doing this, sitting here like this. One day we won't be together. That just doesn't seem fair or right. I rest my head against his. 

"I'm honestly not angry with you." I tell him.

"I'm not angry with you either." he says back. His voice is thick and I can tell he's crying. 

I pause. "Maybe I could talk to George. He can't see the dean until morning anyway, maybe I can convince him."

"I tried absolutely everything. I even told him we'd break up. We wouldn't of course, but I told him we would. Nothing's going to change his mind."

I sigh heavily. "We're in so much trouble."

"We are." 

I hesitate as I have an idea. "What evidence did you say George had?" 

"A picture of us kissing. Why?" 

I sit up properly, looking at him. "We'll just tell them it was me."

He frowns. "What do you mean?" 

"We just make up this story that I had a thing for you and you were never interested in me at all and I just kissed you and you were caught off guard and- what? What is that look about?" I demand. He's sat there with his head in his hands, sighing heavily. 

"That's ridiculous!" he exclaims, looking at me. "You are not doing that! You'll-"

"Get kicked out of university?" I raise an eyebrow. "That's going to happen anyway and that's not the end of the world. I'll sort myself out. If you get dragged into it all, you won't be able to teach again."

He closes his eyes. "This isn't fair."

"None of it's fair." I move closer to him again, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him into a hug. "But that's what we're going to do okay? It was all me."

"Dais-"

"You're going to tell them it was all me, Ed." I whisper. 

He sighs but pulls me closer. "God I love you so much."

"I love you too." I say, relaxing into him. All I can think is that I am going to miss this. I am going to miss this more than anything. 

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