At Cambridge

A lot of things happened while I was at Cambridge. There were way too many thoughts and feelings and events and to simply note down, so I guess I'll tell the whole story. That's the only way it's going to make sense.

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18. Eighteen

I stay at George's until the evening the next day. We watch so many episodes of American Dad and Family guy and we just lie down on his bed and somehow I feel more tired than if I'd have done all of the work I was supposed to do. There was just something so relaxing about lying there with him, his hand resting on my hip as he circles his thumb on my side. Eventually his roommate comes back and I decide I should go.

I have to pass Edward's house on the way back to my dorm and as I walk past, he opens his front door and just stands there with his arms crossed and his eyebrows raised. 

"Daisy." he says, even though I stopped walking anyway. 

"Ed." I say back. 

"I'm really pissed off with you." he says bluntly. Even though he's mad with me and it's not a positive situation, any awkwardness has gone. It's just like if he'd have gotten mad at me before George came along. Still not a good thing, but an improvement. 

"Nice to know." I say, looking straight back at him. 

"Where the hell were you today?" he asks firmly. "What was so important that it meant you missed a two hour long lecture?" 

"I was with George." I tell him. There's no point in lying. 

"Oh for f-"

"Language." I warn him, a smirk appearing on my face. He doesn't look impressed. 

"Get inside." he steps aside. "We need to talk."

I stare at him, one eyebrow raised. "It's actually getting kind of late, I need to get back before my roommate locks me out. She locks the door if I'm not back by eight."

"Just get inside." he says and I sigh heavily, walking in and sitting on the couch. He paces back and forth in front of me for a little while, not saying anything. Even though I'm acting all nonchalant like I don't care what he has to say, I'm a bit nervous. I've never seen him so angry. And it's quiet anger, no shouting, which is always the worst.

"I don't think you understand just how angry I am." he says eventually, still pacing. 

"Oh I understand." I say in a voice that I know will annoy him.

"You need to focus. You need to stop messing around with that boy and you need to focus on what's important. You are at Cambridge university,  you have been given the chance of a lifetime, this is your future and you're throwing it away for what? An afternoon of watching movies in George's dorm room?"

"Actually we watched cartoons." I correct him. "And stop talking like that."

"Talking like what?" he asks, defensively. 

Suddenly, my whole act of not caring is gone. All walls are down. 

"Like you're my teacher!" I exclaim, frustrated. 

"I am your teacher!" he says back. 

"You know what I mean." I say, a lump in my throat all of a sudden. 

"Well what do you want me to do?" he shouts, making me jump. "Do you want me to say how I really feel, talk as if we were just friends, as if I was never your teacher?"

"Yes!" I shout back. 

"Fine!" he yells. "I'm pissed off that you didn't show up to the lecture but it's not about you missing out on learning, it's because I knew exactly where you were and I didn't want you to be there! I cannot stand seeing you and George together because I want to be more than your teacher or your friend or whatever!"

I can't quite believe he said it. I'm quiet now. 

"What?" I manage. 

"I wish I could just see you as a friend." he says, shaking his head and not meeting my eye. "But the only way I can see you is the only way I'm not allowed to see you. And I'm jealous of George. And I'm angry with you. And I'm angry with myself because I shouldn't get angry at you for having a boyfriend."

I always imagined that if something like this happened, I'd know what to say and how to handle it well. But I don't. All I can think about is getting out of here to think it all over. 

"I have to go." I mutter and spring up, running out of his house and all the way back to my dorm room. I manage to get there before eight and I lie on my bed and cry all night. 

 

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