In present times, I gave up. I think you understand what I felt and when Niall left me, it was always like I was just a thing. "Okay, and now I must live a normal life again?" I couldn't stand it. I didn't get it! I realized that everything was going to lead to hell. Niall didn't realize I was hurt and I had no idea how I would get him to understand. Their song "Steal My Girl" came out and Niall said it was about me. Still, I didn't believe him. I didn't believe that he loved me and that he didn't want any other guy to take me. I felt like a possession, and soon I would be consumed.
2014 was the year when I said no and when I got Niall to understand.
It was approaching Christmas Eve and I was sitting in my apartment. I saw on the computer that Niall called me via Skype and I realized he was missing me. Still, I hesitated. I heard the signals arrive and I could choose to answer the call. Still, I just sat and stared at the screen. I stared at my computer and I did nothing. Niall called me three times before I responded.
"What are you doing over there?" he asked directly. I looked at his face, through the computer, and I had no idea what I would say. For the first time in four years, I was unsure about everything.
"Niall." I whispered. "I will end this now."
He just stared at me. It was as if he panicked, but we had several mil between us and he couldn't just go over to me.
"Jenny stop scaring me."
I smiled weakly. I felt how the whole I was ready for the worst. I shook my head and I tried to gather all the courage I had in the body.
"No, this time I wont scare you." I said. "I want no more of this and I want to break up!"
He became silent. I saw at Niall that he wasn't ready and I saw at him that he didn't know what to say.
"You just can't...."
I interrupted him.
"Yes I can!" I said kindly. "After four years in the shadow of you, it's over. I can't do this no more, and yet I love you."
For the first time in years, he had nothing to say, more than the usual.
"Jenny, I love you and you know..."
I couldn't bother.
"No. I can't be in a relationship that's a secret." I said quickly. "I can't be the one that nobody knows about and Niall, you can't love me."
"I love you." he said with panic. "I love you more than I love any other person on this earth."
"No!" I whispered. "If you loved me, you had talked about it to your fans and to your parents."
He became silent. I saw Nialls face and he was all white. He just stared at me and it was like I finally got him to understand.
"I have to go." I lied and I felt the tears. "I'm going away with Emma."
I was sure about my thing. I cut off the call without a word, and I shut down the computer, so he couldn't call me. For the first time in four years, I felt sure of my case. For the first time in four years, I was also in revolt. I cried and I felt a longing for him, but I didn't want to continue living in a lie. I cried and I felt the whole body shook.
Emma just stared at me. It was as if her thoughts spun around and she realized what she had suspected for many years.
"That was maybe a novelty." she whispered. "But at the same time not."
I smiled and I looked down at my hands.
"Niall wanted it to be a secret and now it's over. So, it will be different after this day."
Emma sat next to me and she did as a good friend did. She hugged me and she understood. I cried and she let me let out all the feelings that I had carried within me.
"I understand!" she whispered. "But at the same time you have to live your life and not be his puppet."
I agreed with, but it hurt. My heart was crying and I was missing Niall.
"He's wonderful, but he's so stubborn."
Emma smiled and she let me go.
"I promise not to talk about this to a single person."
I wiped the tears away from my face.
"Not even my parents have no idea that I was his girlfriend."
"And now only I know about the truth?"
"And we let it remain like that. I don't want to be his ex and I don't want a single fan to finds out the truth." I looked at her. "Many people think that Niall's a virgin and many girls think he's looking for a girlfriend. I think he wants it to stay in that way."
I heard nothing from Niall. It was as if all the doors were closed. Okay, I changed Skype account and I changed my phone number. I did everything not to fall back in the habit with him. I knew that I burned bridges, and I knew he wouldn't come back. That was what hurt me more than anything. Niall showed that he didn't want more than a mistress, and I swallowed my pride.
New Year's Eve came. For the first time in years, I celebrated the new year, 2015, together with other persons than those who socialized with Niall. Emma did everything so that I would be in a good mood and when the guests went home, we were seated on the couch.
"New Year's Resolutions!"
I just stared at Emma.
"What do you mean?"
She smiled at me and she laughed a little bit. I took my glass of wine and I drank. Emma just smiled and she seemed almost decisions that we would have promises.
"You wont think about Niall no more." she said. "And you'll find a new boyfriend."
"It's too early to..."
She didn't agree and she interrupted me.
"No, you'll find another guy. You need someone more down to earth person and you need someone who will show you true love."
"Yeah! You do...."
I saw at her that she was serious. Yet it was as if I didn't want to let Niall go from my mind. I hadn't talked to him in three months, but he was still the guy who I loved more than anything else.
"I can try." I whispered weakly. "Maybe I will think about Niall sometimes, but I promise to try."
Emma wasn't happy.
"You're twenty years old, and you should live life." she said kindly. "Go out into the world, get a hobby or do something else with your life."
Okay, I agreed.
"Shall we go?" I asked. "We can save money and go to some distant country this summer?"
Emma lit up.
"Yes, we're going out into the world." she laughed as she thought that it was a good idea and a good plan. "And we will get stamps in our passports?"
I nodded and I laughed at our plans.
"Yes, we will get stamps."
Much at the school, but I will update as much as I can.