Stop playing with my feelings

2014 - I was the one who no one knew anything about. The fans had no idea that I exist and Niall kept me behind all the walls, to have me all to himself. Was this the life I wanted?

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9. The party

Jamie had fun and he didn't see my anxious gaze. I peered around the room, but I didn't see Niall. I got a glass in my hand and in the end I didn't think that Niall would show up. Harry had a party but not all in One Direction did come. 
"So when did you meet?" Harry asked cheerfully. Jamie was quick to tell him about the disco and I blushed when he told Harry that I needed to be persuaded. 
"How sweet." Harry said, and I wondered if everyone else felt that Jamie was much better compared to what I thought? 
"Some girls are worth it all." Jamie said, and he kissed me lightly on the lips. Harry laughed a little bit, before he let his eyes drift toward the door. 
"Louis and Niall?" he exclaimed, and left us. "You did it?" 
I froze. I let my eyes drift to the door and there he was. Better looking than ever, and he was prefect in every way. 
"You know Harry and some other are members of One Direction?" 
I looked at Jamie and I tried not to show any emotion. 
"Yeah, I did know that." but my thoughts were on Niall. He had come. I didn't dare to look back towards the door and I held Jamie's hand tightly. Somehow, he was my security, and I felt that I needed him, just to cope with the party.

 

"And this is Jamie and his girlfriend Jenny!" 
Harry said it as if it were something natural. I only had time to turn around and immediately I saw the panic in Nialls face. He was white and he just stared at me. I didn't know what to say and I was thankful that neither Jamie or Harry noticed by our reaction. 
"So nice to meet you!" Jamie said to Niall. My beloved Irishman couldn't do anything than to try to smile and he greeted my new boyfriend. I felt my legs almost gave way and I avoided Nialls eye contact. 
"I'm so glad you could come." Harry said and he laughed. "Niall and the other guys have heard so much about you Jamie." 
I realized that Jamie really knew Harry, but not Niall, which was a relief. Niall stayed but he was trying to catch my attention. I didn't know what to do and eventually I pulled myself away from them. Quickly I locked myself in the toilet and I was about to start crying.

 

There was a knock on the door. 
"I know you're there!" 
Niall ... It was Niall and I could feel the panic. 
"Please let me be." 
He didn't give up. 
"I just want to talk to you?" 
I swallowed, and eventually I opened the door. Niall slipped in quickly and he closed the door and locked it. I landed against the wall and I just stared at him. I saw his lovely lips, his gorgeous eyes and all his wonderful body. Yes, I had indeed still many feelings for him. 
"So you have a boyfriend?" he asked quickly, and he didn't seem to like the subject. "I mean this as something good. You went on?" 
I swallowed. No, I wanted to say, but I didn't want to go back to him. 
"Did you think I would wait for you?" I got out of me. "You didn't fight to get me back and I went on." 
He didn't look happy. 
"What's he got that I don't have?"
I smiled and I already had the answer on my tongue. 
"He shows me up for people and he tells the world that I exist." 
Niall quickly looked down at the floor and it was as if I had stabbed a knife in him. 
"Yes, I understand!" he murmured. "I know I did wrong and I apologize for that." 
I suffered. 
"So, we're done talking?" 
Niall lifted his eyes and he looked at me again. I saw at him that he missed me and I saw that he had still all the feelings there for me. Yet I didn't want to admit that I felt the same thing. 
"Jamie is a good guy?" he whispered. "I guess.." 
I frowned and I saw at him, he hesitated. Niall didn't seemed to know what he would say. 
"Let me out now!" I whispered quickly. I didn't want to be alone with him because I knew it would only lead to trouble.
Niall backed away. He unlocked the door and then he looked at me again. 
"You know you can still call me?" he whispered. I nodded and I felt my heart was blown into a thousand pieces. It hurt not to mention what I really felt for him, and I saw at him that he wanted to talk about more things with me. Still, I knew we could never be a couple. He was scared and he didn't want to be open with our relationship. 
"And you can call me!" I said quickly. I flew almost against the door, and quickly, I left him alone on the toilet. I made it fast to Jamie and I kept myself close to him the rest of the evening.

 

_________

 

"You're so quiet?" 
I smiled at Jamie and I brushed my teeth. When I was done, I kissed him lightly on the cheek. 
"No, it was just a lot of people at the party." 
He laughed and he agreed. He took my hand and pulled me gently towards the bed. 
"And now you've just have me, as I promised." 
I didn't feel like having sex, but I remembered what I had said to him. Should I mention that I had a headache or would I lie? The only thing that was in my head was Niall and no one else. 
"So we are going to sleep?" 
He laughed and he shook his head. 
"No sweetheart. We shall not sleep."

 

We did it and I lined up to do it with Jamie. I didn't tell him the fact that I still loved Niall, that I still had feelings for one another guy.

 

Jamie fell asleep quickly and I slid out of bed. I took a blanket around me and I went down to the kitchen. I drank a glass of water and then I went to a window that was directed against Harry's house. It shone in all the windows and there were still people who partied. I just stared at the cottage and it was the first time in a long time that I was aware that Niall was there, so close to me. He was in there and I loved him so much. Yet I didn't want to admit it openly. I was with Jamie now and I couldn't let go of my normal life. Going back and be pulled between the lies wasn't my dream.

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