Stop playing with my feelings

2014 - I was the one who no one knew anything about. The fans had no idea that I exist and Niall kept me behind all the walls, to have me all to himself. Was this the life I wanted?


1. prologue


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"You know I'm yours?" 
I still looked dubious at Niall and once again I swallow my pride. 
"Sure..." I answered cold. It had been a short week. Niall had come home to spend time with me for just a few days and now he was going back to tour again. He would leave me again and again I would get used to a life without him. 
"One day I can tell them all about us." he whispered hoarsely in my ear and I felt his lips caress on my cheek. He held me tightly and I reluctantly took my arms around his neck. In four years I had been his secret mistress, or whatever you may call me. I was in a fog and I didn't know how long I could cope with him, or cope with our so-called relationship.
"Promise to call." I said instead so he wouldn't see my aversion to everything. 
"I promise!" 
Niall kissed me and it was the same lovely kiss as he always gave me. His soft lips against mine and his tongue played with mine. I could never resist his kisses, I couldn't say no. Still, I was angry at both him and me. We played with fire and not even his parents knew that I existed. To them I was just his friend, one who was always there for Niall. I was nothing more than a normal girl that no one noticed. I was her who he owned, but I got nothing back.


Four years? Time goes fast and when I look back at the time, with Niall, I have both fun but also sad memories. From the beginning, he wanted to keep me as a secret because of the fans. Now I don't know anymore why he doesn't want the truth to come out. Perhaps I'm not his princess? Maybe he just has me because he wants to have sex sometimes? From the beginning, I believed in him and I believe in his words. Now, I doubted he even knew himself what he wanted. We were like an old couple, who met when we had time, but at the same time we was as a passionate couple. When we ended up in bed, it was as if all the boundaries were erased and we were like crazy with each other. I loved those moments when I forgot to brood and when just Niall and I existed. I could forget the fans, the lies and I could just be me. But the truth always caught up with us, everyday life always knocked on the door.


"Please, darling, don't look sad." 
I spun around and I looked at Niall. He stood in the hall with the suitcase and I knew it would be weeks before I saw him again. 
"It's always you who leave me." I whispered quickly. He nodded sadly and he put the bag down on the floor. He took a few steps towards me and caught me up with his arms. 
"In a month, I'm here again." 
A month? Why was it always he the one who got to decide when and how? I was too kind, and I just nodded and accepted.


You may wonder how it started? Maybe, it all started, because I never saw it coming and maybe I should have thought once extra time, if this was what I wanted? But when I saw Niall for the first time it was as if all the pieces fell into place. It was as if I found a lap to crawl into and I found a life partner to share everything with. I lived in the world of dreams, and I believed that he would introduce me to all the others, one day, one time? I saw before me how I became Mrs. Horan, but that dream had disappeared with time and the dreams faded away. I landed in the truth, and now there was just my feelings left inside. I had let all the dreams walk away, I had released all lies.


2010 - That year was the first one.

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