Stop playing with my feelings

2014 - I was the one who no one knew anything about. The fans had no idea that I exist and Niall kept me behind all the walls, to have me all to himself. Was this the life I wanted?


5. Go on

"No! I have no girlfriend. It's me and Harry who are single!" 
I just stared at the TV. Niall sat on a couch and he looked as if he was telling the truth. Direct I got my doubts and I just felt like crying. Three years had passed and nothing had changed. 
"So you have not a girlfriend who's waiting for you?" the reporter asked. Niall laughed and he shook his head. Quickly I caught up the TV control and I turned off the TV set. I just stared at the black screen and I was empty inside. What were we doing? What was I doing? Was this normal?



"But Jenny? You know how it is?" 
I just wanted to cry. I sat and talked with Niall via skype. I saw his gorgeous face and he saw my tear-filled eyes. 
"I don't know if I can do this no more." I whispered. Niall got panicked in his eyes. He almost seemed to lose the ability to breathe and he just stared at me. 
"No, Jenny!" he said hoarsely, and he shook his head. "Don't do this to me! You don't end our relationship. Not like this! I need you!" 
I didn't doubt his word, but I couldn't play theater. I felt empty, hopeless, like a loser. 
"Why can't we just talk about us to the world, as it is?" 
Niall sighed. He was breathing fast and I realized he was getting ready that I would say no to a future with him. 
"The fans are like crazy." he whispered. "You see on twitter what they do to Sophia and Liam? It's as if it's a witch hunt." 
I couldn't think about the fans. 
"But this is about us?" I said as I wiped away the tears. He leaned against the screen and it was as if he wanted to see my face closer.
"Please, darling." he said with a pleading voice. "I'll talk to the management and I'll do whatever you want, just don't break up with me." 
I wiped my face again and I swallowed. 
"When are you coming home?" 
He smiled uncertainly. 
"I can come over to you this a week? There will be only for weekend, but then we at least meet?" 
I nodded and I looked down at my shaking hands. I couldn't brake up with him. I didn't have the capacity to even think along those lines. 
"Okay!" I said and I tried to calm me down. "You can come here if you want?" 
He nodded. 
"Your apartment all weekend?" 
I nodded and I looked at him again. My apartment? It was our refuge place and there was where we usually were. 
"I say to Emma that I'm sick." I whispered and Niall became satisfied.




New Year's Eve came. It was then that I really got into a crisis. I felt like an idiot and I felt like the most invisible person on Earth. We were at a party with One Direction and all their friends. Niall and I chose to play our theater and we chose to not even touch each other. I was so close to my boyfriend, but still not. It felt so stupid and when all kissed each other on New Year's battle, I stood on the other side of the yard and watched the fireworks. Niall was so far away from me. I felt the whole I dropped the dryer and I stood and wept in secret. I realized there had to be a change. 


"2014!" I said cool to Niall and I stared into his eyes. "Nearly four years?" 
Niall made ​​sure no one heard us. 
"What are you doing now? Let's not talk about this openly?" 
I became angry. I realized that this was unsustainable. 
"I don't care!" I exclaimed cold and I couldn't even think about what he wanted. "I can't take it anymore!" 
Niall froze. Everyone started to walk into the house, but we were left. I was angry, I was sad and I was totally disappointed at all.
"We'll talk about this when we get home." he said with disappointment. I scoffed at him and I shook my head. 
"No, this time you get to go home on your own." I said firmly. "I'm not eager to be your doll and I'm tired." 
I chose to bump into him. I went straight to the parking lot and I took up the mobile phone to call a cab. 
"No, Jenny!" 
Niall ran after me. I just smiled cold and I was sure I did the right thing. 
"Bye!" I said just to show that I had finally taken the decision to end it. "Have a nice New Year."




January went by in a daze. I changed my mind a thousand times, but at the same time it was nice to not have to think about someone other than myself. February came, and even Valentine's Day. Niall always used to send me flowers, but this year I remained alone and he neither called or did anything else to get in touch with me. Eventually I realized it was over. I had really hurt him and I had ruined four years of friendship.


Late one evening in February, there was a knock on the door. I was surprised when Niall was standing outside my door, and he was totally devastated. I saw at him that he had been crying, and he was anything but the Niall, who I had been with. 
"I can't live without you!" 
That was enough! I know I'm fast, way too fast, to fall back into my old habits. Still, I thought it would change between us. 
"I love you!" I sobbed in his arms. He cried too and he agreed with me. 
"And I can't lie. I love you more than you love me!"


It's funny how time makes us humans to be creatures of habit. Nothing changed and Niall didn't go out to the fans and he didn't tell anyone about us. Instead came the new albums, tours and many more interviews. 
"I'm single!" Niall always said to the press, and he looked as if he was telling the truth. I know I was hurt every time, but somehow I couldn't stay away from him. It was like I was drugged. I was in need of being his secret girlfriend and I had the need to belong to Niall.


"You should get yourself a boyfriend!" many nagged at me. I sighed and I shook my head. There were rumors that I was gay and it was rumored that I couldn't love, but I knew the truth. Emma was accustomed to my life, that I never put any interest in guys. Maybe she sensed that I was waiting for Niall? She never said anything, but she gave me many long glances when I was talking about him.







Will be more! Sorry for a short chapter

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