If You Love Me Let Me Go

"Six months ago you did it... Six months ago, you ended your life.."


5. It's Fine

(Valerie's P.O.V.)

My fingers hover over the keys on my phone as I debate on my reply.

Ashton texted me just moments before: I'm sorry about the bonfire last weekend... It's just something I had to do..

I'm not sure how to respond. Six months, it has only been six months. And a week, that is. But Ashton is a friend, one of my best friends. It's just something I had to do.. I have re-read these words over a thousand times.

Why did he have to do it? I think he should understand that my boyfriend, the one person in my life who I gave my mind, body, and soul to, committed suicide only six months ago. I'm not ready to move on. Hell, I'm nowhere near it.

What do you mean 'it was something you had to do?' That should work, right?

I click send anyway.

I wish I could tell you. if I hadn't promised, I would have told you a long time ago.

Who did you promise to and why?

Other than Luke, Ashton has probably been my closest friend out of the group. Yeah Michael and Calum have been here from the start, and Elle and Haley have been here longer too, but I trust Ashton with everything and vise versa. Why is he keeping secrets now?

I can't tell you

Why not Ashton? Why the hell are you keeping secrets from me?

Valerie, please...

Please what?

Meet me at our spot. We need to talk. I'm not going to tell you anything about this though.

I roll my eyes at my phone and get ready to go.

I throw on Luke's black long-sleeve shirt I stole from his house however many months ago, a pair of blue skinny jeans, my black and white converse, which were now more black and brown from so many uses, and I pulled my messenger bag over my shoulder.

"I'm going to meet with Ashton, I'll be home soon," I tell my mom on my way out.

"Okay sweetie, be safe," she tells me.

"I will."

I hop into my car and begin to drive to Ashton and my spot.


I arrive at the creek behind Elle and Ashton's neighborhood. I park my car on the side of the road and begin to walk down the dry, mud path. The path is for our friend Carter's go-kart, he created the trails himself and there are lots of hills and bumps and things all down in these woods.

But my favorite part about down here, is the river and the swing. After Ashton and I came down here a number of times, we decided to mark our territory, also know as: a piece of wood with a string tied around it, secured to a tree branch. Hence the 'swing.'

I arrive and wait for Ashton. He only lives up the road so he just has to walk. I sit on the swing and push myself with my foot off of the ground. I spin slowly around until I am stopped with two arms around my waist.

"Hey," I hear in my ear.

The feeling reminds me of Luke, and my heart sinks.

"Hi," I reply.

Ashton realizes what is going through my mind, and he immediately stops.

"I'm sorry... Force of habit."

I get off of the swing and face him, "after six months I would expect it to wear-off."

"I know... I'm sorry."

"It's fine," I take a deep breath, "what did you want to talk about?"

"Why I can't tell you."

"Oh," my head drops to look at my feet.

"I can't tel you because... Because..." He stutters.

I look at him, our eyes meet and he quickly looks away.

"I can't tell you because I made a promise. I can't tell you who with, or why, or when. But what I can tell you is that it is for your own good. Your own sense of security."

"What is the promise? Can you at least tell me that?" I ask as a lump in my throat begins to form.

"I can't. They made me swear not to tell you anything about it. But I at least had to explain to you why I did that last weekend. I was not throwing myself at you, trust me. I wouldn't do that to you and you should know that. I care about you, and like I said-"

I cut him off, "just stop. It's fine. I get it. I just don't know who the hell would make you promise to help me with my sense of security. Why don't they do it their damn selves?"

His head drops, "I just want you to be okay. And so do they."

He raises his head and his eyes are glossed over. My heart aches when he looks at me like that.

I step closer to him and wipe a tear away with my thumb, my hand on his cheek.

"I know that, and I can't thank you any more. But I want you to be okay too. We both lost someone who meant more to us than he will ever know," I'm crying at this point.

Ashton raises his muscular arms and wraps them around my shoulders, my arms wrap around his waist. His grip tightens pulling me closer into his body.

"I just need you to be okay," he softly cries.

"And I, you," I equally reply.

After about an hour or so of talking and crying, we both go home. We get in my car and drive up to Ashton's street. I drop him off and head to my house.

I pull up in front of my house, turn off the car, get out, and walk inside. When I do, the smell of fettuccine alfredo fills my nostrils. I set my bag down on the table by the door, take off my shoes, and look in the mirror above to make sure my face isn't too red and puffy.

I walk up the stairs to my bedroom, toss my shoes in my closet, hop on and lay down on my bed, and begin to cry.

The thoughts of the first time Luke came over to meet my parents run through my head, the smell of fettuccine captivated the house. The dinner replayed in my mind over a million times and I soon was awakened by a knock on the door.

(Two updates at once what is this ¿? Anyway? I was just really feeling it right now so ye. And I'm really sorry for the long af chapter but, you know. It's cool I guess. Lol I'll probably be back soon.

Love ya,


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