“Most people think that the unknown and alien is the most scary thing that exits, and don´t we all get that? Wouldn´t we be stupid if we thought otherwise? I guess I am then cause´ I think that
it´s the familiar and what we think of as safe that are the most scary parts of life. What can you do when every day turn into your worst nightmare? You can only keep up the fight for so long, and when you finally reach that point where you are ready to give up you´ll embrace the darkness cause´ it will come as a soothing numbness to your wounds.
Now you´re thinking, how would I know? Well I gave up and welcomed the darkness not that long time ago too.
2 years ago I stopped caring about what actually matters. Don´t ask me what cause´ I have already forgotten . That period of my life where I would actually smile a real happy smile seems so far away now that I can barely remember it. I would have to go get the old family fotos just to remember what I looked like but I would never do that. I just want to dwell in my own sadness thank you very much. Pathetic right? Then it´s good that I don't care”
I toss the book trough the room in frustration. How can I even live with myself when I´m this pathetic? I´m sitting on the floor in my room just in front of my wooden-framed mirror and I turn my head and look up. Dark green eyes are staring back at me from a pale and hollow face. She looks dead, the girl in the mirror. Like she haven´t been feeling anything for a very long time. Like she has lost all power and courage to keep going. But she isn´t brave enough to end it all either.
I try to straighten my back and flash a smile, but it looks ridiculous so I just stop.
A despairing noise comes from the back of my throat as I get up from the floor and walks to my desk where I left my jumper. I pull it on before I go downstairs so no one will see how I have been hurting myself for the past 3 years of my silly life.
It´s monday so that means I have to go to school. It´s an ordinary day. It´s my hell.
Small airplanes made out of paper are flying around in the air from one desk to another while the teacher with his back turned to us are writing some kind of equation on the blackboard.
Like many other things, I don´t understand it. I don´t understand why I have to be in a classroom full of people who clearly don´t want to be here. I feel someone poking me in the back so I turn to see who it is. Of course it´s my best friend since fifth grade Mike. Without speaking he forms the words “are you alright?” with his lips and I answer with a little smile and a nod saying that I´m perfectly fine. He rolls his eyes telling me that he knows I´m lying. I just love it when he does that.
Mike is the only highlight of my day but unfortunately we only have one class together, so I´ll have to make it through the rest of the day without him. It´s going to be great….not.
“It´s not like I didn´t try you know? I did but in the end I found that it just wasn´t worth it.
You have to understand something. I´ve never been bullied or treated badly by my family or classmates. I´ve actually had a pretty great childhood but I just lost track of where I was going along the way. I don´t think I can explain it in a way for you to understand it.
I just feel numb all the time, it´s the only feeling I know of…. I have no purpose anymore.
How can you live in this world without a purpose? How can you keep going without knowing what lies ahead? I´m not curious….I´m deadly scared”
A knock on my door and my mother steps into the room. She turns on the light asking me why
I´m writing in the dark. I don´t know. I guess I just like it better that way.
I´m sitting there in front of the mirror again and she is standing right there looking down at me like I´m some wounded animal. She looks troubled and worried and she keeps wrenching her hands in that nervous way she does when she has to do something she really doesn´t want to do.
And when she starts talking I understand why. She has noticed that I have been pretty absent lately. She´s afraid that I might have gone back to old habits. Have I been eating? Why do I always wear long-sleeved jumpers now when it´s not even cold? I ´m never here, she can´t get in touch with me and she is starting to freak. While she´s saying all these things I´m just sitting there feeling the stinging burn behind my eyes from the tears that won´t come. She can´t know this. It´s all ruined now if she finds out my biggest secret. That I have relapsed over and over again since therapy was over back in april. She can´t know this. She simply just can´t.
I stand up and look directly at her. The only proof that I´m affected by this terrible situation is my eyes but she doesn´t notice because she´s looking at everything else but me.
“I´m fine mom” I say calmly like it´s the truth “It´s just school. It´s quite stressing right now”
Finally she looks at me but I can tell that she doesn´t see me. As the unsuspecting mother she is, she just smiles an hugs me while she tells me how happy and relieved she is to hear that.
Well that was almost too easy. She just needed to hear that I´m fine I guess. She´s really that kind of person who really hates to face problem so she ignore them instead.
I need to talk to someone, who actually knows me so I call Mike. 2 minutes later I get a text saying that he will meet by the lake in 15 minutes. I nearly smile.