It's around 12pm. I've been awake since the crack of dawn which is like 6 hours already. The others have been been awake since a while ago, Calum even came in to check on me but I just pretended to be asleep. I really need to stop being a dick to him. Luke has a girlfriend now so it's not as if they're gonna get together.
See this is why everybody hates me, because I can never be nice. I'm not perfect. My teeth aren't perfect. My hair is messy and frizzy. My eyes are the colour of mud and frog green mixed together. Luke doesn't love me. Calum and Michael don't even want me in the band. All the fans don't want me in the band. I get so much hate and all they ever say is the truth. They tell me that I'm fat and overweight. They tell me to starve myself. They tell me to go hurt myself. They tell me to cut. They tell me to kill myself.
I know that I should, but I still can't help but have just one question for them.
What did I ever do to them, to make them hate me so much?
Like, I get that I'm a waste of space and stuff, but I've never actually done anything to any of them except exist.
Exactly, dumbass. You exist. That's what bothers them. Everybody is disgusted by you, they despise you. They have to breathe the same air as you and it kills them that they have to. You are nothing but a disgusting, fat, ugly faggot. And that's all that you will ever be.
"No, shut up. Leave me alone" I sit up and hold my hands to my ears, rocking myself back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.
I have been getting these voices in my head for a while now. Like, not just a few days. I mean like, a few months.
And this is exactly all they ever say to me. That I'm nothing. And that I'm worthless. They point out everything bad about me and tell me that I should cut.
Well that's because you should go cut yourself, emo. The feeling of the cold, hard metal on your skin feels so good. Doesn't it, Ashton? Doesn't it? Doesn't it!
"Yeh, it does" i have no choice but to agree with my fucked up mind.
Well, go do it then!
I got up and walked to the ensuite. I opened the cupboard doors and move a few things around before I find my little hiding spot. My blades.
I take one and hover it above my wrist. I have old, old scars on my arms from years ago, when I was still in high school.
Then I have a few new ones on my arms, overlapping the old ones. I did those last night. I can't even start to explain how much I missed the feeling of the razor against my skin. The physical pain feels so much better than any emotional pain. Emotional pain is the worst. I am not effected by physical pain. But emotional pain, now that's a whole other story.
See, emotional pain causes you to do and think many things. Sometimes, they aren't always the nicest or smartest things. Emotional pain cause you to make rational decisions. Such as drinking, doing drugs, and/or even causing yourself physical pain just so that you don't have to go through the emotional pain any longer. But physical pain is only there for a short amount of time. You could make one cut, but the bleeding stops eventually. The wound heals over eventually. But emotional pain will be there until you find the proper cure for it. You can't just use physical pain like a band aid on it, with emotional pain you have to find your own cure and fix it yourself. Not push it away, only for it to come back and hit you full blast, 100X worse then the last time.
But, with me, I have no cure. I have no one to fix me. Nobody can understand my type of pain. Nobody can feel my type of pain.
I don't just have emotional and/or physical pain. See I am pain. My whole body is in pain 24/7.
When Luke cuddles Calum, I am in pain. When Luke was on the phone to his 'girlfriend' the other night, I was in pain. It seems as if the source of my pain leads up to Luke, he isn't just the cause of my pain, he is also my cure. But of course, I can never have him. He is somebody else's.
Therefore, I am uncurable. I can not be cured.
I start to slice my wrist, over and over and over again.
A cut for every little flaw of mine. Fat, ugly, worthless, stupid, disgusting, gay, unwanted, talentless, emo, emotion wreck.
By the time I was down, I had almost destroyed my arms.
They were stained red with blood and red lines.
There was blood dripped onto the bathroom floor, the sink, around the sink. Everywhere. Red, red, red, red.
I got up and chucked my razor on the floor and hopped into the bath tub. I just laid there. Doing nothing. Just lying in the bathtub.
I don't know how long i was there for, but I must've fallen asleep because I woke up in the same spot, but with a sore back and a crick in my neck.
It was around 7pm that night. Turns out I had been sleeping in the bath tub for a few hours so I just got up and lauds in bed and went on Twitter and stuff. That was 3 house ago.
I was still in social media.
I wasn't doing much.
Just reading some of the stuff people say about me.
I was reading the hate.
They all hate me so much.
They tell me horrible things.
All they are doing is telling you the truth
"I know that already ok?!" I whisper/yell at myself.
Well good, because you should know what a worthless piece of shit you are
"Just leave me alone!"
If you can't hear me, it doesn't mean that I'm gone. It just means that I've decided to shut up for a little while. But I'm still here, I'm always still here. The voice says. I thought it had stopped but then it whispered one last thing.
Im always there. In your head.