What's up? Soooo this might be one of the shorter chapters but it sets things up and has a lot of meaning. I don't have much to say... Enjoy :p
(Oh and sorry about some of the language used... I needed to use it though to get the emotion that I wanted, sorry)
I don't say anything, I just cry into Jack's shoulder.
"I'm really sorry," he says again. I just nod, not able to speak just yet.
"Hey, Rosalyn, I'm not just saying sorry for what's making you cry tonight, I'm saying sorry for everything I did. I was a total jerk and I was so... so stupid. I never should've just ignored you like that. Everyday I think about how sorry I am, but I don't have the guts to tell you that. It tears me away inside knowing that it's my fault that I haven't talked to you in- what is it now?- 12 years? Rose, that's 12 fucking years gone wrong and I'm the one to blame for it and I'm s-so fucking sorry." You could hear the tears coming into his voice, the way he stuttered while he spoke.
The tears weren't coming as hard now, so I removed my head from his shoulder and spoke, coming to my senses. "Get out," I say barely above a whisper. He left me for 12 years, why should I just forgive him this easily.
I saw his face drop. "Oh... I just wanted you to know that. I know sorry won't fix anything." Tears started to drip down his face.
"Get out. You left me for years and just expect me to let you back in. Sorry, but I've learned to be smarter than that!" My tone started to rise, heating up with anger.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. Tears were coming faster down his cheeks.
"Go!" I almost yell. I couldn't help myself. Listening to my words, Jack stands up and slowly heads to the door.
"I hope we can fix things," Jack said, facing the door.
I lost it. I started screaming.
"I'm done! I can't deal with all this! You fucking left me, completely ignored me for 12 years! I tried SO hard to talk to you, so hard to just see you! I don't think you realize how much you hurt me by just ignoring me! Some people might think it's just a simple act of just not talking to someone, but when it's your brother, your best friend, it hurts! You changed me in many ways by doing that, and I don't even know why you just stopped talking to me! And you called me pathetic, stupid, annoying, trying to get me to stop bugging you and you know what? I fucking believed you! You made me hate myself for some years and I still loved you because your older my brother and a little girl can't hate her older brother! I went through some shitty years that no one knows about. I don't think you understand the damage you did to me." My voice started to lower, all the energy sucked out of me.
Then I started to cry and Jack turned around and wrapped his arm around me, yet again. I had no more energy left to push him off. I just kind of gave up, my head falling onto his shoulder.
"I don't deserve your forgiveness, I know, but could you give me a second chance at proving that I deserve forgiveness. I know it's too late to fix my mistakes and I hate that, but I want to become a better older brother and I want to prove to you that I can be. Then, maybe could you forgive me?" A few tears were still streaming out of Jack's eyes.
I sniffle and nod. "I hate you so much, but I've missed you too, I'm really conflicted and frustrated. I feel like shit." Normally I don't curse, but that word showed only half of the emotion inside me. He just smiled, a little smile. I haven't seen him smile in 12 years. I guess one good thing happened today. "We'll catch up soon, but not tonight. I've been having a rough day."
"I promise we'll talk when you're ready. You're the best sister, I love you so much Rose."
"I love you too, Jack," and that's when the tears came back.
"C-can I t-talk to you?" I finally ask. "A-about tonight?" The tears started to come faster and faster.
"Yeah, anything Rosie, I'm here for you now."
I took a deep breath and told him every detail about the last two days. Every few minutes I'd stop to let out a few sobs, then continue. I don't know why this hurts so much. And then I realized, I didn't love Spencer as a lover, I loved him as a brother and it was like loosing Jack all over again. That's why it hurts so much. I was experiencing the same pain that I did 12 years ago.
And that's how I ended my story. I told Jack my theory. "I think I actually love him as a brother and that's why it was so hard for me. I don't think I ever actually loved him as a boyfriend, I just need someone to fill in your space. And that's why it's so hard for me to let him go." I started bawling, realizing something I didn't before. "I used him," I choked out. "I'm using him! Oh my gosh!"
Jack's voice suddenly got stern. "Rosalyn Grace Mancini you did not use him. You love him, just not in the way you thought. Never blame any of this on you. It was because if me. He helped you through your though times because he wanted to, not because you made him and he happened to fall in love with you during that and you believed that you loved him too because he helped you out of a ditch."
I couldn't speak, so I cried and cried.
Jack sat there for hours comforting me. When our parents came up to check on us, he just waved them away. He refused to go to bed until I felt a little better. It felt so good having a brother again. I missed having him around. I thought I got over it a few years ago, when really, the pain was always there, just hidden in the back of my mind.
I cried for hours, to overwhelmed to do anything else.
I finally felt my eyes get heavier and I was out.
Even while sleeping, my thoughts haunted my dreams. There was no escape from what was happening in my life. Will things ever get better?
It's now like 10:00 and Rosie hasn't been answering my calls or responding to my texts. I've been eager to hear about her date last night. I knew that she liked Ashton, it was obvious, but she wouldn't admit to it. I really want to know what happened. I'm just really curious.
Since I didn't have anything to do today and Rosie wasn't being social, I decided to take a walk to Luke's house as a surprise. Wait, no, I'm going to Ashton's house because I actually know that address. I guess I'll just have to hope that he's there.
I walk along the street, enjoying the fresh air. For once, I felt like I made a good decision. I was honestly happy that I'm going to trust Luke, give him a chance. Just thinking about him made me giddy.
Last night we were texting and he asked me to tell him something that not many people know about. I told him that I used to dance and it was one of my favorite things to do. Then he asked for a video of me dancing and, sadly, I did have a video of me doing one of my best routines. I sent it to him and, surprisingly, he loved it. I was honestly relieved, not many people find dancing interesting.
Then I asked him the same question back. It took a little more work to get it out of him. After a while, he said that his favorite movie was Mean Girls. I started laughing, although I didn't say that to him, not wanting him to be embarrassed. I mean, yes it's a good movie, but it just doesn't seem to fit him.
I felt like I knew Luke a hundred times better after last night. We just talked, nothing special, but I enjoyed it. I was surprised at how much I actually enjoyed talking to a person. He had a weird effect on me.
I needed one more thing that I liked about Elle that would work for the song. I didn't want to put something cheesy like her face or smile, so that night I asked her what was something that many people didn't know about her.
She told me that she likes dancing and sent me a video. She was really good. I really liked the way she danced, she's so cute.
I didn't tell her, but lip literally watched the video a hundred times, it was just too adorable.
Later that night, when I said bye to Elle, I went to write the song. What I like about her? I like the way she dances.
The lyrics came easy again, and I wrote this:
What I like about you
You really know how to dance
When you go up, down, jump around
Think about true romance,
I put the whole song together and it sounded beautiful. Every word, every note reminded me of Elle and I was honestly proud.
I wanted to show someone before I sang it to Elle and I didn't want it to be one of the boys. I did know the waitress at a restaurant down town because I've been to the place so many times. She always gave me her best advice on songs I've wrote or any problems I had. It wasn't like I liked her or anything, she has a boyfriend, I'm planning on asking Elle to be my girlfriend, she just always was there to help me when I needed it, before I met Elle.
Since it was already late by the time I finished the song, I decided to show the song to Claire, the waitress, tomorrow.
As I was heading to my bed, I thought about how I was going to ask Elle to be my girlfriend after I sang her the song. Yeah, that sounded good.
I drifted off into a deep sleep, dreaming about Elle.