This is Not Product Placement



1. ~ * ~





“But red is the new black!”

“Black is a timeless classic!”

“Red is more in stock now!”
“Ha!” Ursula slammed the palm of her hand down on the table, scattering a few of the smaller bones. “Wrong! Black is overflowing the stores! And besides- it’s my birthday!”

Gertrude slumped back in her chair, lounging slightly due to her two-foot long neck. Ursula smirked, revelling in her victory.

It wasn’t up to Gertrude what she was going to wear to her two millionth party. It was a big occasion. Important. Azazel himself had promised to drop by. Ursula’s cheeks heated up slightly and she suppressed a sigh. 

“Do we have sufficient food?”
Gertrude scrabbled around in her kidneys, eventually brandishing a list triumphantly. “We have, to date, acquired two thousand and eighteen bodies. Enough?”

Ursula pictured tables laden with human. “Yes. Contact the butchers.”

Gertrude disappeared with a puff of foul smelling brown smoke, which left a slightly discordant resonance in the room. Ursula leant back in her chair, frowning. 

Two million was a long time. A worthy time. She wanted to look… interesting. Especially- she blushed slightly once more- if Prince Azazel were to turn up. 

Heaving herself up, Ursula waddled over to the wall sized mirror that hung from the ceiling like a portal into another, cleaner, dimension, and peered into it, frowning. 

Something would have to be done with her feet. Shoes, maybe? Did they make shoes that covered duck feet in Hell? Probably not.

She snapped her fingers. “Mish!”

For the second time that day, the room resonated with a loud crack, this time from a door. A man- slightly pallid and sickly in appearance- scuttled in, in a slightly unsettling manner which was mostly due to living in a room full of crabs. 

Ursula held her hand out, drawing him in front of her in the mirror. 

“Get me clothes. I want to look beautiful. But Mish?”
“Yeth, Mithress?”

“Firstly, stop lisping, you are not a crab you are a human. Secondly, I want to look…”

Ursula trailed off, twisting in the mirror to see if there was any angle where she didn’t look like a giraffe-sized antelope with duck feet. “Human. I want to look human. Human clothes. Get me some.”


Ursula took that as conformation that soon, she would be the best looking demon in all of Hell.




“You want… which size?”

The teen girl behind the counter stopped chewing on her tongue ring, which caused it to hang out slightly, giving her the appearance of having swallowed a bullet. Mish shivered internally. So unfashionable.

“I want size two hundred and fifty, please. Elongated.”

The girl nodded. “And I want a boyfriend, free university, and free drugs. Doesn’t mean I get them. Now go.”

Mish straightened, affronted, and turned on his heel, marching towards the exit-

“And yo? That hat is just no. Like, no.”

Mish stalled in his tracks. Did she just…no. No. She did not just insult the hat. Uh uh. Hellish sparks began to fly from Mish’s fingers as his eyes burnt a fiery red. Rudeness was one thing, but this was personal.

Anyone watching from outside the shop at that point in time would have most likely not noticed a teenage girl being artfully- and lifelessly- arranged like a mannequin on top of one of the shelves. They may, however, have noticed a suspicious looking little man sidle out, wringing a suspicious substance from his clothing and heading off in the direction of a different shop.




Mish bowed respectfully to his mistress. “Yes, Miss Ursula.”

Ursula brushed some spittle off her decidedly crooked and slightly odd-looking jumpsuit, preparing to calm down.

She couldn’t calm down quick enough and squashed a small demon into red jelly beneath her heel to speed up the process.

That done, she held a hand out to Mish. “What did you get? And remember,” she leant close to his ear. “There’s a special place in Lake Cocytus for you if I don’t like my outfit.”

Mish nodded, and when he spoke, his voice was slightly louder than usual. “You needn’t worry- I got them all from Kylie @ M&Co, so they’re sure to be wonderful, and this is definitely not product placement.”

Ursula snatched them from him, running her snout along the hangers. There fell a silence in the room, although that may have been some of the small demons showing respect for their fallen, squashed comrade.

At last, Ursula nodded. “I… like them. Especially this black one. It’s such a bother getting blood out of white.” She raised her voice. “I am so glad that they are from Kylie @ M&Co, and also glad that I am totally against product placement.”

Mish tapped his watch pointedly. “Miss Ursula, there’s only five hours left. I’ll set the food out while you change.”

Ursula nodded one last time, before disappearing  in a crack of grey smoke.




Prince Azazel surveyed the scene before him disdainfully.

He always did everything a little disdainfully. He couldn’t answer someone- he had to answer them disdainfully. No way could he ever take a bath. Disdainfully taking a bath was hard. He sniffed (disdainfully) and stalked around the edge of the crowd. 

He knew what this occasion was for, of course- some ridiculous birthday celebration for an old woman. It wasn’t in his nature to frequent birthday parties- he much preferred tormenting lesser demons and being supercilious yet mysterious and desirable. Then he’d heard there would be food, and decided to come.

In fact, it was when he was reaching for a thick, juicy human thigh that he became aware that the atmosphere in the room had thickened. Whispers rippled through the crowd, sending shivers down his spine like the tickles of moonlit rays. He turned, and there, before his eyes, was the most beautiful demon he had ever laid eyes on.

Her height was elegant, graceful- her hairy snout was cute and quirky. Her elongated, antelope’s face was beautifully charming, and a scent radiated from her like a heavenly light. He fell instantly in love with her, and proposed immediately, not even caring that he scuffed his grey shiny smooth snazzy expensive adjustable graceful glitzy lightweight line-free long-lasting suit’s knees.

Ursula accepted, and together they danced off into the sunset of Hell, to live an infinite and happy life.

All this, because Ursula was wearing Kylie @ M&Co. 





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