4. Chapter 4
Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. Inhale- Wait my heart feels weird? Is it beating fast enough? I can’t feel my heartbeat. Oh god, I think in a moment of pure terror. Am I okay? I desperately try to find my heartbeat. Inhale. Exhale. It beats too weakly. I can’t feel it. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Wait. Wait, doesn’t my hand look weird? My eyes go small. It looks redder than the other hand. Is that dangerous? Inhale. Exhale.
4th entry, Friday, 28th of February, 2014
Dairy, my dear dairy
So I went to the psychologist, and, well, It actually wasn’t half as bad as I thought. My psychologist, as it turned out, is actually quite a nice old lady, you know, with the typical short grey hair, and relaxing clothing similar to that of my grandmas. However one of the first things she told me was, that there was no one but myself that could help me, so I guess I must have misunderstood something. I thought that was why I was going to see her- so she could help me. And then she just got all theoretic with evil rings and clouds and I don’t know what. I think I understood half of it. Maybe. I don’t want to judge too much so I will just go on and say, that she also told me, that it would take some time for my anxiety to get better, and I don’t know how much time ‘some’ time is, but I certainly hope it it’s soon
Oh, and I almost forgot - she also gave me some ideas for equipment to help myself, but honestly I was really reminded by this one time in school where we I about health in a thematic week, and there came this weird feminine health guy, that made us do something he called mindfulness. One of the boys from my class fell asleep, and I think that says a lot about my thoughts on it as well. Of course I didn’t tell the psychologist that though, but if I have to be honest, and I know it’s early to say this, I don’t think that’s going to help me a whole lot. Sure it may seem to work just fine when I’m NOT feeling bad, but what’s the point with it if I can’t focus on it while having an actual anxiety attack? Maybe it’s just me who don’t get it, but hopefully next time will be better.
Until next time,