8. Fairytale gone bad
About two months after my chemo started the doctor wanted to do a brain scan to see if my tumor was gone... This time I went to the hospital alone.. I was sure the news were not good and I wanted to deal with it alone..
-Doctor: Hello Hope.. How are you feeling?
-Hope: I am just too tired..
-Doctor: I know sweetheart.. Let's go and do your scan..
30 minutes later and doctor came and told me that my tumor was still there... And now it was bigger...
-Doctor: We need to start radiation..
-Hope: I see..
-Doctor: I have to be complete honest with you.. I do not think this will help.. I believe surgery is our but mostly only solution..
-Hope: Then let's do the surgery..
-Doctor: Oh Hope.. You know the risks.. I can not just play with your life..
-Hope: What if I want that? I am too tired to continue will all that..
-Doctor: I know.. I know.. I know.. But you are so young.. We need to find the strength..
-Hope: I am really trying.. But unfortunately I really can not..
-Doctor: I have patients who are way older than you.. They fought and win..
-Hope: But I don't think that they had cancer at the age of four.. and then again at seventeen..
-Doctor: No, but..
-Hope: No, buts doc. We will do the surgery..
-Doctor: We are under 18.. I have to take your parents permission..
-Hope: We will have to wait just a week... Till my birthday.. I will be eighteen.. And then.. Surgery is on.. No is not an answer..
-Doctor: If that is what you want..
-Hope: That is exactly what I want..
-Doctor: In that case.. I will not perform your surgery..
-Hope: What? Why? You did that again..
-Doctor: Yes, I did it.. But the situation was different.. I do not want you to die on my table..
-Hope: Fair enough.. Find me a surgeon who will do it..
-Doctor: Please think about it again.. Think about your parents.. Your best friends..
-Hope: They are all I think about.. That is why I am doing this..
-Doctor: You only think about yourself.. Imagine their pain..
-Hope: Can you imagine MY pain? I can not eat, drink or even go out for a walk because my whole damn body is in pain.. Everyone is staring at me like I am a freak..
-Doctor: They look at you like that because they have no idea what is happening with you..
-Hope: Exactly.. And when I tell them they look at me and feel sorry for me.. I do not want anyone feel sorry for me..
-Doctor: Ah baby girl.. Surgery it is..
-Hope: I will come back next week to talk about the date and all the details.. I want to prepare the boys and my parents..
-Doctor: If you need any help just call me and I will be there... You know that..
-Hope: I know doc. Thank you so much..
-Doctor: There is no need to thank me.. You know you are like a daughter to me..
The doctor hugged me and I felt that his hug was so damn real.. I was so happy he agreed on the surgery..
-Hope: And oh doc. Please do my surgery..
-Doctor: I have to think about it..
-Hope: I do not want anyone else to open my head.. You are the only one I actually trust..
-Doctor: In that case.. I will be your doctor.. Like always..
I smiled and I left... As I was going home all I could think of was my parents and the boys.. Especially James.. Things were going so good between us.. Omg.. We went out so many times and he also saved my hair.. He was with me in every single chemo.. I can see the pain in his eyes.. This needs to stop.. He deserves to be happy.. All of them deserve that.. Can not wait till next week.. Till my birthday.. Till I will be 18.. Till I will take my life in my own hands....