Chapter Fourteen - Making Sense with Her
At first his body tensed, not knowing how to react. I was in hysterics but I don't know if he understood why it was a bad thing for a person like me to fall for a guy like him. The last thing I wanted to do was offend him and he of all people deserved an explanation. Then his body wrapped itself around my small frame, comforting me as I cried.
Why was I crying? He probably thought I was filthy. I knew that I was a mess, tears, mucous and just my general scrunched face was off putting. But he actually let me cry on his shoulder when I just insulted him.
"My mum always taught me to hug a hormonal girl, I'd never had the chance to, or even wanted to until I met you." Why was he being so nice? His compliment (or so I took it) was an immediate cheer up.
Pulling away from him I looked up into his eyes, I knew he was confused, he had such boyish features yet so masculine. His eyes were worried and confused like a little boy but he was well kept in staying strong like a man.
"Why is it a bad thing?" He asked as if his whole life meaning was to know this answer.
"Because," I sighed, wiping away my tears with my sleeve, yeah I'm so attractive.
"Not that you would take this any further, probably seeing the state that I'm in now you are most likely, if fact I'm sure you are highly disgusted," I rambled.
"Nevertheless, I can't be another fangirl in the group loving Mr. Player, begging for one night of passion. I'm not like that but as I said before you wouldn't even want to lay a hand on me- waffling I know but I can't be 'one of those girls', I can't allow to do that to myself and falling for you will be the worst and probably the best thing." I admitted in utter shame.
"You've thought about having sex with me?" An obnoxious smirk arose on his face, somewhat lightening the mood.
"Please, don't trip on your testosterone." I replied, walking up to his motorcycle where we left our backpacks.
"Al," He said from behind me, his voice some what desperate. Spinning on my heel, I turned to face him the gorgeous boy that I was privileged to spend the day with.
"I don't want you to be afraid anymore, ever. So if that means me, keeping my distance then so be it." After repeating his words in my head I wanted to run up and kiss him.
So much for trying not to fall, hey.
I nodded at him, slightly hating myself for it. As much as I didn't want to fall for Brooks, in the back of my mind I knew it was inevitable. Sticking around him for hours on end would obviously send a person crazy yes, but madly in love with him. Something I needed to avoid. I knew hanging around him would make me fall, which would go against all my morals so maybe it was best to keep our distance.
"We just take shifts on looking after the baby, that's it. No extra meet ups, no more going to church together and no more sleepovers." His words seemed some what bitter, as though he hated me for giving up on him.
"You think I'm a man whore don't you?" He questioned as we made it through the thick forest after a long and excruciating silence. We were now standing on the road beside his bike.
"What?" I asked, not sure if I heard him correctly.
"You. Think. I'm. A. Man. Whore." His words, slow enough so I could understand.
"No," I said weakly, I knew it, I knew deep down I offended him.
Now he was raging. His movements, quick and sharp as he dug through his bag, collecting his sandwich. "Far out, don't be so polite Alex, it's making me sick. Just say it, I'm a whore. I've been with some many girls that I can't even remember the names to. I've done things you wouldn't even think we're possible. Just say it."
In the beginning, his words were fierce and full of fire but by the end he was slowly breaking down. It was like he was crying without tears. When he said 'Just say it' it was sort of exasperated, he was quieter, as though he were ashamed in himself. I knew that I had effected him because he called me Alex. Or maybe this is me, analyzing things way too much.
"I don't." I said quietly, not knowing how exactly to respond. I was never good in situations like this. Where a dominant figure showed signs of humanity or weakness, mostly in books or movies. Either way it's much harder to respond to in real life.
"Admit it, it will hurt a lot less if you do." I was hurting him? I stayed quiet, afraid to say the wrong thing which will make this big hole that I've dug, even deeper
"You've asked me it before. How many girls I've been with that week, or how many girls I'd kissed that week. I know that you're thinking it." Damn me and my curiosity.
"I just wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could change." He whispered but I made it apparent that I heard.
"And you can change, but only if that's how you want it to be." I told him, feeling like some sort of guru or an advice column in those magazines for helpless teenagers.
I still couldn't believe it. A month ago he didn't even know who I was. Now he was sitting on the curb of the road, eating his sandwich and telling me that he doesn't like the person he had become. This was a big deal to even be able to be in the presence with such well known perfection. I hated seeing Brooks like this, it wasn't that he was weak, no he was stronger than ever taking control of the person he wants to be.
Then he turned his head and his signature smirk appeared on his face with an eyebrow raised. "Unless you're jealous..." His words, piercing me.
He got up from pushing his own weight up and took a step towards me. I backed up until my back hit the truck of a tree. I stumbled a bit, trying to regain my balance. I stared him straight in the eyes and his eyes were playfully teasing me.
"You are aren't you?" He questioned, placing his fingers around my arm, using his thumb in a circular motion to massage my arm.
"Am what?" I gulped audibly, taking note of the obvious proximity.
He chuckled at my reaction, knowing he had this affect on me. "You're jealous of all those girls who have had a night with me." His words taunting me.
With my knees about to cave in, I knew that I had to keep it together. "You wish Brooks." I said, trying to push him away but was unsuccessful, he was too strong.
"It's okay if you do, I don't blame you." Did I even express how cocky and confident this egomaniac is?
"You wouldn't be the first." His voice, barely a whisper but it sent shivers up and down my spine.
"In your dreams," I tried to reply, equally as confident.
"Oh it is." He said with a incredibly handsome smolder.
I tried to hide the fluster I was currently experiencing but he saw right through me. The pulse of my heart was evidently sky rocketing and I couldn't exactly explain the feeling in the pit of my stomach. Probably best described as butterflies from nerves but also the hidden fact that I was turned on.
"You are nervous aren't you?" He asked, his soft hand touching my skin causing me to tremble in his presence.
"N-No." I stuttered, so much for trying to sound somewhat confident.
"Oh, but you are," His breath, tickling my skin. He was just teasing. He knew it but then I looked at his chest which was rising and falling at a rapid pace. I closed my eyes and I tried to listen intensely until I heard it. His heart beat, it was fast as though he had just run a marathon.
'Flirt with him' I remembered Bec's words when I dangerously asked for advice on my situation with Luke. So I decided to do what he does best, I took the upper hand just to see what his reaction was. I've seen Tara do it hundreds of time, if I had a little practice I could be a natural.
Copying her actions I placed my finger on the edge of his left shoulder, slowly I trailed my finger across his collar bone. He moaned at my touch. He actually moaned. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and leaned in slightly. Did I, Alex Binks have that effect on Brooks?
With one hand firm on his chest I pushed him away with a smirk on my face. For my last touch I whispered in his ear. "Better luck next time." I made sure my breath lingered on his ear, he was weak. I made him that way. I walked past him and smiled to myself. It actually took so much confidence to do that, additionally my own heart beat was racing, literally at any moment I was going to go into cardiac arrest.
"We should get going," I said in a complete fluster but I had to not face him so I could hide it.
Luke cleared his throat. "U-Ugh S-Sure." He stuttered in a complete daze that I placed him in. Mr Player was actually stuttering because of my touch, my effect. I was gobsmacked.
I watched as he shook his head, composed himself and walked towards the bike. I turned around, adjusting my shirt and skirt. I felt a cool wind on the back of my neck and I felt a weird presence. "Boo," a deep looming voice said from behind me and I squealed. It was ear piercing as I held my jaw from chattering.
He giggled from beside me and I punched his arm forcefully. "I told you I could make you scream." He said with a firm smirk etched on his face.
"Just get on the bike Brooks." I told him, trying to steady my heart rate from the shock.
"Fiesty, it's hot." He said like a complete boy. He's called me pretty, he's called me hot and sexy and now beautiful. What was this boy doing to me?
I was now well used to these motor cycle rides. My hands firmly on the hem of his shirt as I hugged his waist. He was so warm. I felt a certain hardness as I touched his stomach, I knew he was fit, I saw that he was fit but touching it, it made me want him. I'd never felt desire before, ever with a boy. His words made me shudder and his body made me lick my lips.
When we arrived at school there was still a few hours that we needed to kill. There was a considerable amount of things I could do in this time like sneak off into the library and finish off some homework, or study.
"You know, there is something else we could do to kill this time." Face palm because I had actually said my previous thought aloud. Then I registered Brooks' words, he was stretching a point across.
I sighed and then smiled, "Pass." I said in a bored tone and he pretended that my words cut him deep. Placing a hand to his heart he turned all theatrical on me.
"Your words like poison, they kill me." He pouted before returning the giggle that I sent him.
"So I was thinking that I would go to the library, what are you going to do?" I asked him, readjusting my backpack on my shoulders.
"Hm," He mumbled in attempt to think of something. "I guess this is where we have to go our separate ways, you know so I don't make you fall in love with me." I could hear the smile in his voice, just knowing that the smirk was plastered there without me having to look.
"Shut up, I never said the L-word." I retaliated.
"Oh the L-word, being love right? I told you not to be scared anymore." I was no looking at him and he was frowning, his eyebrows knitted together.
"What ever Brooks." I murmured, heading to the direction of the library block.
"Hey!" He called out causing me to stop on my heels, spinning around to face him.
"You never did tell me how your lunch date with Colton went." His words so bitter saying Colt's name, it made me cringe.
"Well, for starters it was not a date," My voice firm so the message came across, he smiled instantly upon hearing them. "And secondly, it was horrible." I finished off.
"Good." He cooed with an actual smile not a smirk.
"Good." I said back not knowing exactly how to respond.
"Have a good time studying" He said, stashing his hands into his pockets and walking towards his vehicle.
"You have a good time too, probably getting yourself into jail" I shuddered at my own words. I didn't want to encourage Brooks to go to jail, actually the thought made me sick. I wanted to apologize automatically but then his response made my stomach wrench.
"I wont be doing that again."
He rode off and I decided to get back to walking to the library with Brooks' words formed inside my brain like a tumor. Again. Again meaning that he's been to jail before. Meaning that he has a record. I shouldn't be as worried as I am and I shouldn't care as much as I do but I couldn't help it.
I was concerned about Brooks.
I had just had a shower after cleaning up the mess Annabelle made in her own nappy. At a hurried pace I fed her knowing that my own dinner would be ready downstairs. Wiping her face clean, I skipped downstairs knowing that my mother would call me down any time soon. Just as I was about to enter the kitchen both my mum and I frowned because the door bell rang.
"Just as we were about to sit down for dinner," she complained as I opened the front door.
I began at the feet, they were bigger so I only assumed that the person in front of me was a male. As my eyes drifted up to his well fitted jeans, by his shirt I could already tell who it was. His sweet scent was apparent, I would have smiled but he was at my house. His grey shirt was fired to his upper body but there was something he was missing that I had. His leather jacket.
"Hey." His voice, smooth as silk. Soft as butter. Easy as cake. Was I seriously comparing Brooks, the bad ass to cake?
"Hi," I said softly.
"Are you going to let me in?"
"What are you doing here?" I asked absent-mindedly, which may have come off as rude.
"Time of the month still?" He questioned with a smirk on his face which made me turn crimson.
"Shut up." I pushed him and then realized how rude I was being. Should I let him in my house? Oh who am I kidding? I can't leave him out there, it's so rude.
"Come in," I said and I moved out of the way to let him in my house. I could feel my parents glares and Tara's snickers from the table.
"Alex, who is there?" My num asked as she didn't have a clear view of Brooks.
"Hello Mr and Mrs Binks." I knew he was confident but seriously, introducing himself to my parents. Really?
"I'm Luke Brooks."
It was a quick evil smile that arose on my mothers face, soon replaced by a sincere one as she invited Brooks to eat dinner with us. He didn't say no, in fact he was seated at the table pretty quickly. He was being charming, obviously winning the heart of my mother quite quickly. He was polite which was different.
"So Luke, are you and my daughter..." My mum trailed off, knowing that she was crossing dangerous grounds but she had a cheeky smile on my face.
"Mum." I said, almost choking on my small and thin piece of veal.
"You don't need to answer that." I mumbled to Luke who was sitting adjacent me.
"I was just going to say that we're partners." He whispered to me with an additional and completely unnecessary wink.
"Whatcha whispering about?" Tara cooed with a happy look in her eye. Maybe she was enjoying this. I hadn't decided if I was embarrassed yet but I wasn't giving her any such satisfaction. I sent her a scowl which made her chuckle in her seat, she was enjoying this.
My father cleared his throat which could easily silence the room. "Do you have any intentions with my daughter Mr Brooks?" I had told Brooks about my father and I hoped that he listened enough to respect my father.
My heart raced as I waited impatiently for Brooks' answer. He also cleared his throat, adjusted himself in his seat and then I noticed something. Luke Brooks was nervous.
"Sir," I stopped there. Brooks never referred to teachers as Sirs or Misses yet here he was, calling my father Sir.
"That depends on what you mean by intentions, Sir." He said nervously and Tara scoffed, loudly.
"Are you kidding me?" She almost screeched. Her chair scraped across the tiles as she forced the table out of her way.
"You wouldn't even give me a second glance and now, now you are saying that my sister, My geeky and nerdy and UGLY sister is what you would associate yourself with her! I hope the two of you have a very freaking happy life together."
I had never ever let Tara's horrid insults effect me but this, this seemed to hurt. Now I was utterly embarrassed because once again, in the presence of Brooks I was about to cry. Tara slouched in her seat, proud of herself that she let that monster off her chest.
"Excuse me." I said weakly, placing my napkin on the table I softly apologized to Brooks before running up the carpeted stairs and into my room.
I questioned myself; why am I crying? I never let her words ever effect me and I know it's just her letting off steam. But the fact that she brought Brooks into it, it hurt. I knew that I had a bit of gravy on the corner of my lip that was threatening to dribble but I was too upset to lick it off. Moments later as I sprawled helplessly on my bed I heard footsteps. Please don't me mum or Tara to come and apologize.
My door slightly creaked, it only did this when it was opened ever so slowly. I didn't dare to look at who was standing there, most likely judging me for my pathetic reaction. "Al," His voice was soft and deep, and for some reason he made me want to push out more tears that weren't forming.
"The bathroom is two more doors down." I croaked, directing him to where he wanted to go.
I could tell without looking at him that he wanted to chuckle at my response but he didn't because of the situation. "Al, I'm so sorry." He replied with so much sympathy. I could hear distinct moves from in the carpet meaning that he was approaching me.
I buried my face in my folded arms so he didn't have to bear the sight of me. My bed descended due to a weight placed on, most likely Luke sitting. A warm and nurturing hand was placed on my forearm, lightly massaging it with his thumb.
"Are you okay?" He asked weakly, immediately knowing that it was a stupid thing to ask.
I paused before replying. "I'm such an idiot, you know. I never cry when she verbally abuses me or torments me. I never give in to her bullying ways because it shows signs of weakness. Thus giving her the satisfaction with my reaction. Brooks, she hurt me and I'm just crying like a little girl. I wish I could be stronger."
The volume of my voice decreased as I continued to speak and by the end it was almost a whisper. "Teddy, I should have said something. Done something. She can't talk to you like that." His voice, eager for me to move out of this position so he could see my face.
Why was he here? Why didn't he chase after me and comfort me? Why was he helping me or offering to help me when I'm at my weakest point? I hate the fact that when ever I'm with Brooks I'm always crying. He probably thinks I'm the biggest freak. More so than before he met me.
"But you need to get her lying sorted out." I could feel his heat radiating into my body, that's how close we now were.
"Sorry?" I asked, not exactly sure what he meant by sorting out her lying.
"She called you ugly, either you need to take her to an optometrist or you should help and work on her lying." My jaw almost dropped, how was I to even respond to that?
Literally, a boy has never complimented me like that before. In fact the only one who has ever complimented me was Brooks. Which is the biggest plot twist of my entire life.
"Al, can you look at me?" He asked after I didn't respond.
I lifted myself up, making sure to wipe away my tears before he could see me, although I was still a mess.
He smiled sweetly, placing his thumb to the corner of my lip he wiped off the gravy. Which he then placed his thumb in his mouth to lick it clean. I wish this all happened in another situation where I didn't feel so shit and then he could have done it seductively and we could have kissed but no. My fantasy never comes to life.
"Al, I'm really sorry that I didn't defend you. I just sat there and I hate myself for that. From now on I promise that if anyone is hassling you that I will have your back." He had my back.
I nodded pathetically before getting up off my bed and washing my face. Purging myself of any bad thoughts, hurt and tears. Coming back into my room I watched as Brooks sat there, looking at a photograph to buy time. Grasping his leather jacket from my desk, I held it out to him with an appreciative look on my face.
"Thank you." I whispered and his smile was enough to make me happy.
"Come on," he said, standing now on my floor. "Let's go do something I've been dying to do"
He grinned, taking my hand he whisked me down the stairs. It took a while for my family to complete the engrossed conversation they were in before noticing us. Luke's hand no longer remained in mine, I pulled out worried about my mothers health. I didn't now her impression of Brooks yet. She put on a happy smile but she was so good at putting a fake one on that I couldn't depict it.
"Well, Mr and Mrs Binks," he addressed them after the clear silence for our response.
"I will be taking Al out for celebration ice cream. Would you like anything?" There was a tinge of bitterness in his voice that made me want to smile. My grin was apparent at the blank faces staring at me.
"We don't celebrate her A's. Stop boasting Alex, it's not good for your health." My mother said, eyeing the proximity between Brooks and I.
"No mother. I'm celebrating my.." I paused, looking at Luke and he nodded.
"Birthday." I spat out and waiting patiently and happily for their response.
I can't describe the look on my mothers face, she was sour because Luke remembered and she didn't. Her wrinkles like vinegar because I had to remind her with such glee. Yet remorse that she actually forgot. And regret because I was her child.
"Very well then," she said softly with all her thoughts bothering her. Tara no doubt was in stitches that everyone forgot and my dad, well he actually showed an emotion on his face for the first time in a long time other than sadness. My dads expression was one of sympathy and regret. No one said any thing until Tara ordered a strawberry ice-cream which I knew she was not going to get.
"The look on my mothers face though," I bellowed as we walked into the ice creamery.
"I wish I had a camera." Luke sighed but the smile on his face still remained.
"Thank you." I blurted out with such passion and meaning which made Brooks lips curl up even more so.
"It was my pleasure Teddy."
"Now what will it be?" He asked as we glared up at the illuminated menu above the counter.
"Chocolate please, it's my favourite." I said with a big grin, mostly worn by little kids on Christmas morning.
"I'll have to remember that one." Brooks said with a side ways smile.
So we sat in a secluded booth, devouring our ice cream. On several accounts I apologised to Brooks which he brushed off. He told me stories of how he landed himself detention and it was evident that he was the class clown. Literally, by the end by jaw ached from smiling, my stomach was tight and clenched from laughing too much and my heart was racing from excitement and nerves which I only experienced around Brooks.
Why was I nervous you may ask? Well, naturally when you are around the person you like you do your best to give off the best impression ever if you've known each other for a while. Constantly cautious not to say the wrong thing, paranoid that you don't look your best and worried that you aren't concentrating enough and listening because you are absorbed in the good features of the person in front of you.
It's a hard life because you do not want to be caught dribbling. And although my stomach doesn't feel right when I'm around him and it isn't settled, secretly I love the sensation spiraling.
With a slight yawn, or roar actually I got off my bike and walked down the familiar path which leads to the hell hole, most commonly called school. I am greeted by James, Aaron and Jai who are already there early, as always. Surprised in myself that I actually got here before the home room bell, I gave myself a mental pat on the back.
In One, Two, Three. "Hi Luke," her cheerful voice rang like it does every morning at this time. I groaned inaudibly before replying because I'm a nice guy and I won't ignore a girl no matter how much she gets on my nerves.
"Hi Mikaela." I said her name some what bitterly. The girl frustrates me, it's like she's a lost puppy so she hangs around me. Jai by my side, Aaron and James trailing behind, we walk in a suit to the big doors while Mikaela blabbers on about... I actually have no idea.
You probably think 'What a dick' but far out I have to deal with this girl who is dead weight to me every day. If I knew it would be that much baggage I wouldn't have banged her in the first place. It was not worth all this. But gladly I'm past those days so no more replicas of Mikaela come my way.
Walking in the corridor, I always get looks from girls, some flirtatious ones, some cute ones and then the glare given from Al which never fails to make me smile. Sometimes when I'm with her I wish that I was a wearwolf so I could hear her heart beat. Just to listen and hear if it races just as fast as mine when we are together.
She didn't catch my eye at first, which I feel so stupid for because I didn't realise the most beautiful girl wondering the halls of our school, anyway when she did I couldn't keep my eyes off of her.
This then reminded me of the conversation with my mother last night which I couldn't help but smile back on now.
"So, you ate dinner with her family." My mum cooed with a beaming grin from her lips.
"Yes mum." I said, passing her in order to get a drink of water from the kitchen.
"You spend a lot of time with this girl." The was an evident smile to her statement.
"Well she's easy to want to spend time with." I replied defensively.
"You drive her home, you buy her food, you allow her to sleep in your bed and he haven't tried anything on her like most girls and you slowly develop her trust." She says and I wince because she is right.
"Don't think that I don't know what you do with those girls Luke, I'm just saying, don't take everything from her and then leave her hurt like you do with the other ones."
"I would never hurt her." I admitted quickly which made her smile.
"I knew it," she chuckled lightly to herself. She held Annabelle's head in her palm as she lightly patted her back and rocked her slightly.
"Knew what?" I asked her.
"You, Luke, like that girl."
A small part of me, in fact a big part of me hated the fact that my mum confirmed my deepest feelings. I also, like most teenage boys hated the fact that she was right. I slouched in my stance in defeat. But it just sounded so right and hearing it out loud made it all the more sense.
It confirmed all the feelings I get when I'm around her. She is the only girl capable of giving me nerves. My heart sinks and a portion of me dies when I find her crying. My heart aches when she's mad at me. But it's good because with this girl she makes me wait, she straightens me in line and she allows me to chase her as she doesn't let herself off easy.
It rolls off the tongue and it fits because it's true. I couldn't fight it anymore. It feels so right and so good to finally admit it to myself. It sounded so undeniably right.
I like Alexandra Binks.