Friendliness was never my forte. I don't make friends. I don't keep friends. I make enemies, and all of us stick close together because it's much easier than being on each other's bad sides. Being with these people every minute of every day is both painful and painless. You're surrounded by people you actively dislike, and that alone is a hurtful thought. But it's better that way. As long as everyone pretends to like you, it's okay. You'll endure anything.
There are two separate parts of the internet. The Thirst and the Safe-Haven. No points for guessing which side I'm on.
The Thirst is full to the brim with attention-seeking teens romanticising mental illnesses and living for popularity.
The Save-Haven however, is self-explanatory.
It's the one place where every single outcast of the world finds peace. It's where we come together, away from the hateful, judgemental eyes of those we know in real life. It's the one place where we can truly be ourselves and know that we will be accepted for it.
It's the one place where we make friends.
I don't make friends. I don't keep friends. But I make and keep those, and it's more painful than not having anybody to care for you. Because, you see, the Safe-Haven doesn't hold normal teenagers who want to get away from their parents' constant nagging about doing homework.
The Safe-Haven holds the battered and bruised, the hated and confused, the stressed and depressed. The freaks, the losers, the outcasts.
We all have one wish; for life to get better.
And when it doesn't, our world comes crashing down. We've never had connections with people. It's all new to us. We open up, but that shows vulnerability...so we keep it to a minimum. No trust, no friendships, no relationships. When life doesn't get better, it's just us, with no one but ourselves to trust. When life doesn't get better, we become selfish.
When life doesn't get better, we take it upon ourselves to end it.
That's why I don't make friends. That's why I don't keep friends. That's why the process of having somebody care for you, and caring about them in return, is painful.
But every once in a while, another person appears. Another reason to live. We don't realise it until we're on the brink of giving up. Until there's a nagging feeling in our stomach overtaking that one of self-hate. A feeling that makes us think, are you really that selfish? Are you really going to put the Safe-Haven through this again? Like they haven't lost enough already?
No, I'm not going to put the Safe-Haven through that. I will not put anyone through that nor will I give anyone the satisfaction of giving up on my life. Because even for a little while, the Safe-Haven makes everything alright.
It is a place where we all round up to fight our battles together. Because deep down, past all of the uncertainty and hurt that comes with every new loss of our new-found friends, we know we have to struggle until the end if it means possibly being the reason somebody else lives.
No feeling can overtake that of pride. No pain, no hurt, no lack of trust. Why are we proud? Because although we haven't yet won the big game that is Life, we have passed a round. And we will carry on passing rounds, over and over again, until the game is won.
For in the words of the wise Isaac, "I do not want to see a world without him."
And, much like Isaac myself, I do not want to see a world without my best friend, just like she wouldn't want to see a world without me.
So I'll fight. I'll fight for those who are struggling like I know they will fight for me when the time comes. I won't leave them behind. I won't let them see a world without their best friend.
I won't let them see a world without me.