I woke the next day really early. I didn’t get much sleep the night before. I kept tossing and turning, the same bad dream playing over and over in my mind. It’s always the same each night, the same bad dream every night for the last three months. I lied to my mom about having the dreams. If she were to know I still had them she’d try and send me to a shrink again, as if it worked wonders last time.
The first and last time I went to see a shrink was just after everything had happened. I was hurt, broken, I was depressed. I would cut, I would do everything in my mind to hurt myself. That’s why I only wear long sleeves now, because it hides the scars that remain on my arms. I stopped cutting when I found a better way of dealing with it, I stopped talking. Others would disagree about it being a better way of dealing with it all, but at least I no longer hurt myself. So the shrink asked me a billion questions that I didn’t want to answer, how do you feel? Do you blame yourself for what happened? Do you miss him?
I was done before we had even begun. She asked too many personal questions that I just wasn’t ready to tell anyone. And that’s it, that’s when I refused to speak a word again.
I looked at the clock to see that it had only just turned 7:00am. Urgh, curse me for not being able to sleep. My first class didn’t start until 4:00pm. I grabbed my phone and scrolled through Facebook. I only ever did this when I was bored. It kept me busy and sometimes it would pass the time. I went back to the picture Lauren had posted and saw that it had nearly 80 likes. The comments were pretty much all the same, ‘congrats’. I clicked on Lauren’s profile and went to the messages section.
‘You’re pregnant?!?!?’ After sending the message I logged off from Facebook and decided to text James. He was probably still sleeping, but it was worth a try.
‘I’m boooooored. If you’re up come hang out!’ I was laying in my bed reading a book, when I heard a quiet ‘Pikachu’ come from my phone.
‘I’m outside! Open the door!’ I put my phone down and rushed to the door where James was stood in the doorway, looking sleepy. He had on pajama bottoms and nothing more.
“I have class at 10, so I need to be gone by 9:30” He told me as he let himself into my room and jumped onto my bed. I nodded at him and sat across from him. “Want to just text? I think it would be easier this early in the morning” I laughed and nodded at him again.
‘So you guys are all pretty close.. I wish I had friends who would move to be with me’ As James read the message a smile appeared on his face.
‘Ha! We’re closer than you think ;)’ I looked at him dead serious. We’re they gay? I mean, they didn’t act feminine or have that camp feel to them. I just thought they were really close.
“No” James laughed, he said this out loud. “No, not like that. It was a joke” I didn’t know what to think, so I just smiled at him. “Want to take a picture?” He questioned with a huge grin on his face. I nodded to him and he picked up his phone to take a selfie of the two of us.
‘@James_Yammouni: Met this quiet one yesterday!’ Attached to the tweet was the picture of us. When I clicked on the tweet I noticed he had gotten over 1,000 retweets in just a few seconds. I just started at James, blankly.
“Who are you?” By the time my phone had spoken James was already laughing.
“I’m no one” He announced. “Maybe I’ll tell you later, but right now I’m enjoying just being me” he said. I gave him a small nod and gave him my twitter. He followed me and I followed him back, I didn’t bother to really look through his tweets. I soon found the other four guys on twitter and followed them too.
James has left to go to class, which means I’m all alone again. After showering and getting dressed I picked up my keys and left. I decided to explore the city, I mean it’s a perfect opportunity, right? I have nothing else to do. I put my earphones in both ears and started walking. I kind of swayed a little to the music as I walked and when my favourite song came on I started to dance a little in the street. I wasn’t ashamed of being myself out in public, I am the way I am and nobody is going to change that.
I looked at my phone and realized I had been walking for at least an hour. As I walked past one house I noticed someone, a guy, running out of the house and towards me. I stopped in my tracks when I realized who it was. Daniel from yesterday. I tried to move out of his way, so we didn’t collide but he only changed his direction. He body slammed against mine and his arms went around my back. He was hugging me. I laughed, this kid was strange. But it was nice. He invited me inside and I saw the three Brooks brothers. I waved to them all and sat down next to Beau.
We watched Frozen, and talked for a little. I carried on to teach them a little more sign language, Luke was surprisingly doing well. He was catching on a lot more than the others.
“How do you sign beautiful?” Beau asked. I showed him how to sign. He seemed to learn that one all too well. “I think I’ll impress the ladies with that one!” He joked. Only thing, I didn’t think he was joking. And for some reason, it made me jealous. I didn’t like Beau, damn I hardly even knew him. And I wasn’t going to like anyone like that ever, I made a promise to myself.
I just would never do that to him. I can’t be with anyone else. When I was asked by Jai if I were single I shook my head, as if to say no. But only I knew that I wasn’t taken anymore, I was single. But they didn’t need to know that. I told them that he’s back home in Texas. Which truthfully he is, but not in the way you think.
I just couldn’t think of myself as single, because it didn’t feel like I was. I was still in love, heart broken, but still in love. I wasn’t ready to leave him, or move on just yet.
“I need to get back to my dorm, I have class in an hour” I said. Beau had made me agree with him to let him drive me back to my dorm. I at first refused, but I didn’t think he was going to give up. I said bye to the boys and sat in almost silence as Beau drove back, singing along to the radio. He had a pretty good voice, I had to admit and it was just as nice listening to him sing as he drove.