“Please forgive me. Jase, I love you. I always will. But it’s time for me to be happy” I sat in front of his grave. I didn’t want him to be mad at me, I didn’t even know if he was mad at me. He would want me to be happy, right? I need to be happy so I can go back to college and fulfil his dreams. It’s been a month since I kissed Beau, and everything between us were bad. Not really bad, but he became distant with me. We talk, but I miss him. I skype with him and the rest of the boys from time to time, almost every day. They’ve started to become good at the sign language, and we sign to each other over skype. Sometimes, when they don’t know how to sign something they’ll say it out loud to me.
I gave Lauren a hug goodbye, and rubbed her belly which had started to grow a little. I said goodbye to Tyler and mom. I was going back to California to surprise Beau. James was the only one who knew I was coming as I arranged it all with him. I did this because he was the only one not living in the same house as Beau, which meant I could go back to James’s dorm and get ready before going to find Beau. I waved to my family before going to get on the plane.
I received a text from James telling me he was having a coffee in the Starbucks in the airport, so that’s where I met him. He was with a girl, probably his girlfriend that he continues to tell me about all the time. As I approached the two of them the girl stood up and gave me a hug. It surprised me when she signed to me that her name’s Chelsea.
“I taught her how to sign” James shrugged at me, as if it were no big deal. I thanked them both and smiled. I had a good feeling that I was going to become good friends with this girl. We walked silently to the car. Chelsea and I were talking through sign language. And even when we got to the car Chelsea sat in the back with me so we could carry on signing. We only talked about girly things, like hair, make-up and clothes nothing too serious. Just the things I didn’t get to really talk to with anyone but my sister.
“Paise, hurry up and get ready okay? I told the guys I would be over half an hour ago. “Luke keeps ringing me” He said, pointing to his phone.
“Answer it” I signed to Chelsea. She did as I said and picked up James’s phone, pressing the answer call button.
“Hey Luke” She said, putting the call on loud speaker.
“Oh, Chelsea, hey!” Luke sounded happy. “I see why James is late then” He laughed, making Chelsea laugh too. I sat quietly, smiling at what Luke said. He couldn’t know I was here.
“We’ll be there within an hour, okay? I just need to get home and change. James and I were out for coffee and the idiot spilt coffee all over me” Chelsea lied to Luke. I heard Luke laugh loudly and mutter something I couldn’t quite hear.
“See you soon then!” Luke hung up the phone and I giggled a little. The rest of the ride to the college dorms was silent. I was becoming really nervous. It had been a while since I had just liked someone. Jase and I were together for four years before he was shot. I haven’t had to tell someone I like them in four years. My heart started beating fast as we neared the dorms. Chelsea had agreed to help me choose what to wear. She wanted Beau to stare at me breathlessly, but wanted me to stay classy at the same time. I didn’t know what she meant by that, I never really had to try for Jase, so I just told her she could choose.
It felt like forever before we actually arrived in James’s room. Chelsea went straight through my suitcase, chucking clothing that she obviously didn’t want me to wear, it made me giggle a little.
“You’ll be clearing that up” James pointed out to Chelsea as he looked at the mess she was making. She then pulled out an oversized football jersey that was meant to be used as a dress. I blushed a little when she picked it up and inspected it. She turned it over to see the back and saw that it said ‘Janoskians’ on it. I had it printed because I thought it would be funny, being in the situation that I am.
“This is the one” She told me, handing it to me. “Oh and you can borrow these” She handed me a pair of black heals. I went into the bathroom and quickly changed when I came out Chelsea’s eyes went straight to my arms. “Do you want those covered?” She questioned, referring to my scars. I shook my head at her.
“Beau’s only seen them about a million times” James told Chelsea. “Every time they Skype he demands to see her wrists. He likes to know she’s stopped cutting” Chelsea nodded next to him understanding. Chelsea then started playing around with my hair. When she was finished and I looked in the mirror, I liked it. She had made my hair look messy, yet neat at the same time.
“You don’t need to put any make-up on” She told me, which surprisingly made me blush. She was basically saying that I was beautiful going natural.
We all got back in the car again, this time Chelsea sat in the front with James. It didn’t take long for James to drive to the house. Once we arrived, James and Chelsea got out of the car, but I froze. I couldn’t move. What if he didn’t like me? What if he didn’t want to be with me, the fucked up girl who quit talking because her boyfriend died? Chelsea opened my door and held her hand out. I took it in response and she walked me to the door. James had texted Jai to make sure that Beau opened the door. James and Chelsea left me at the door, as I rang the doorbell.
“Beau you go and get that?” I heard one of the guys shouted.
“How about you get it yourself, lazy!” Beau called back.
“Just go get the door” He shouted again. I stood fidgeting at the door, my heart pounding. I heard the sound of keys in the door and I wanted to do nothing more than just turn around and leave. I looked over to where James and Chelsea were and they were grinning at me like idiots. The door opened and Beau just stared at me. He didn’t say a single word, he just stared. I waved saying ‘hi’ to him. He pulled me into a hug and didn’t let go for what felt like a while. When he did finally let go, he grabbed my wrists inspecting each scar. Still not saying a single word. Next he took a real good look at all of me, his eyes went from my wrists to my feet and I watched as his gaze moved up my body until he reached my eyes.
“I missed you” He finally said.
“Who is it Beau?” Daniel called from up the stairs. Beau stepped out of my way, allowing me to enter the house. James and Chelsea quickly ran to the front door allowing themselves into the house too. I stood in the hallway awkwardly. My arms wrapped around my chest. The rest of the guys made their way into the hallway too. Jai was the first to see me and he ran up to me taking me into his arms. He was my best friend out of all the guys.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” He asked me, he was obviously really happy to see me. I pulled my phone out, not wanting to sign.
“It was a surprise” My phone said out loud for me. Luke and Daniel then gave me hugs. I looked over to Chelsea who was flicking her eyes at Beau. I sighed, trying to get rid of as much nervousness as I could. I then turned back to Beau.
“Can we talk?” I signed it as a question. The way I moved my hands, it showed how nervous I was. My hands were shaking. He nodded for me to follow him as he headed for the stairs. I followed him into his room, and sat myself awkwardly at the end of his bed. He just looked at me, waiting for to speak. When I didn’t say a word, he came and joined me on the bed.
“You look… wow” He said, he was so quiet I barely heard what he said. I took a quick glance at Beau’s lips, they looked so kissable. He noticed the way I looked at his lips and shook his head at me. “You’re not over Jase” He sighed.
“I’ll never be over Jase” I signed “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy” I sighed. I took hold of Beau’s hand and smiled at him, I had tears building in my eyes. “You make me happy” I finished signing and Beau just sort of looked away, as if he were thinking about what I had said. I took my phone out as he had looked away and started typing.
“I want this to happen” It said which made Beau look at me again. I leaned towards him and pressed my lips to his, this time he didn’t back away or reject me. I felt his lips kiss me back and a smile spread across my face.