As I make my way onto the plane |I'm waiting for some cliche comeback, for him to stop the line of progressing people and tell me he was wrong; that everything will work out and that he's changed. Painfully, I know that that isn't true and for that reason I can't let my heart speak for my vulnerable, compulsive, lifeless, mangled heart that cna't seem to resist him anymore. She deserves happiness. I deserve happiness.
Happiness has been so hard for me to grasp and sadly I find comfort in being this neutral pale shell of my former self. My two hours ago former self, before I violently ripped my engagement ring from my finger and whipped it at his chest. My finger is so weightless without the grip of the silver band to hold it down. Hold me down. I'm cold and lost.
I'm lost in that dazed paralyzed way that you can't seem to shake and it leaves you floating in your shoes. Paralyzed because I know this is the end and no matter how much I say it to myself it doesn't settle in. It floats on the surface of my skin and nibbles on my frozen bones.
Please make it to your seats and remain seated until we have approached a standard altitude. The female voice over the intercom instructs.
I search the pocket of my parka and scratch at the remaining ticket, his remaining ticket. This was our way out of Vermont, to start new in Arizona but now things have fallen apart and I don't have the tools to fix this and I don't think he does either.
Our windows are shattered and the structure of the home we have built is strewn across the exposed ground ready for someone else to collect them and build it up again. He will find someone else-I know that for sure- someone that can satisfy him in the ways I could have but never pushed myself to do.
It's my fault that I'm boarding this plane by myself, right? I could be running my fingers through those brown ringlets but I'm here and he's home.
I sit down now grasping onto the plane ticket in my hand thinking of the day he bought it, his eyes searching frantically over the screen. It was just after class and he was pissed.
"We need to leave as soon as we can. I can't handle this shit anymore!" I watched him from a distance his knuckles balled up against the base of the laptop. "Where have you always wanted to go?" I couldn't tell if he was talking to me or just talking out loud.
"Me?" I question.
"Yeah you. Where have you always wanted to go?"
"What does that mean?"
"It means where."
"I don't know." He clipped a grin and raised those beautiful dark moons up at me. " Anywhere."
"Arizona." I laugh.
"Really?" I nod, keeping focused on him. "Why?"
"I don't know. It's warm and I've never been there. It's the only place where I'm bound to have good memories." He smiles at me like I've said the craziest most brilliant thing and turns back to the printer.
"We leave next month."
I stow the ticket away.
Too much emotionfor one plane ride and I promised myself no crying. Not this time
It's time to start over.
Begin where beginnings end.
The sky splits around the plane and the clouds shatter and finally I'm off the ground floating at the highest altitude of human sadness and regret. Of Earthly existence thinking about the percentage of place crashes and broken hearts.
American Airlines thanks you for flying with us today. Enjoy your flight and remain seated as we ascend.
There's no stopping me now.