Silence » a.i.

Ashton had all the answers to every question Bridgette had, but he had to stay silent for her own good. copyright © 2014 kwrites&luketivity


31. Black Out

yes, you're going to find out everything about ashton in this chapter except for one detail. i know a lot of you were super excited so i decided to update the same night bc i felt bad ending the previous chapter the way i did. so breathe and enjoy xx

[important authors note at the end]

Ashton gathered us all in the living room. I sat next to him, holding his hand; Michael laid across the smaller couch as usual; Calum took the recliner; and Luke sat next to me, his back against the arm with his feet pulled up on the couch.

"Why do we need to be here?" Michael wondered irritably from the other couch. "We know everything."

"You don't," Ashton stated. He took a deep breath before speaking up. "I didn't kill Jeremy, but I'm part of the reason it happened."

Calum pulled his dark eyebrows together. "Part of the reason?"

Ashton nodded. "I've had so many episodes since I lost my memory. Most of them brought me to Bridgette's old house for reasons I couldn't figure out. Jeremy was the only person that was ever there. I'd told him things that made him question if he was sane or not. I'd ask him about things he saw - like Mikey showing up and then disappearing. I told him he was a freak and people thought he was psychotic. Because I said it, he believed it. So...he overdosed."

I let out a hiccup of a sob, and realized I was crying. My brother overdosed because he thought he was insane. I thought I was insane at one point, but Ashton convinced me otherwise. It was a sad irony that he convinced my brother the opposite.

"I didn't know what I was doing," Ashton insisted as he tilted my face up to look at him. "You know I wouldn't say anything like that if I was me - really me."

I nodded. "I know." I managed to get out.

I knew Ashton turned into a different person when he had episodes. I had to understand he wasn't in control of himself. And for the most part, Jeremy seemed fine now. I took a deep breath and tried to stop crying.

The next time he talked, he wouldn't make eye contact. "Would you hate me if I told you that's not the first time someone's killed themselves because of me?"

"We already know." Luke said quietly.

Ashton looked up at him. He looked like he might cry or throw up or both. "But you don't know everyone."

"I thought it was just Chelsea and a few other kids?" Michael asked, sitting up now.

He shook his head, unable to look at his friend. "It gets worse."

"Who?" Calum asked. "You can tell us, Ashton."

Ashton used his free hand to rub at his eyes, his head tilted down. Almost inaudible, he choked out, "My family."

"What?" Luke gasped.

"Someone broke in!" Michael shouted. "I saw it! Ashton, you blame yourself for a lot of things, I know, but killing your family wasn't your fault!"

"It was, Mikey!" Ashton yelled, looking up as tears streamed down his face. "I was alone! That's when the episodes started. After I died and I had to see my family all happy and alive and I had to act like I was okay. But I wasn't. And they would grow and live on without me. I couldn't take it!"

"But...I saw it..." Michael whispered to himself.

Ashton shook his head. "I made it look like someone else. I didn't want them knowing their own son killed them. I felt like an asshole afterward - even worse than that. And it sucked because I couldn't get rid of the memory! I can't kill myself. I'll just wake up where I died."

"That's why you wanted to erase your memory," Calum said quietly as he pieced it together. "Not just because you had the memory of them, but because you had the memory of you killing them."

"Now someone knows how I feel." Luke let out a sharp laugh, looking at his lap. I put my other hand on his knee.

Ashton smiled to himself - it was a sad, pained smile, though. "It gets worse."

I didn't think it was possible. Apparently, neither did anyone else. "Can it get worse?" Michael asked skeptically.

"Ashton you don't have to-" Calum began to protest.

"I do." Ashton told him.

I rubbed his hand with my thumb and he squeezed my hand. He swallowed hard and opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"Irwin, don't," Michael sighed, tired of seeing his friend being so upset. "Admitting to killing your family is bad enough-"

"Not as bad as killing your best friend." he blurted. He squeezed his eyes shut after saying it while the shock settled in the room.

"W-what?" Michael stuttered after a giant moment of silence.

"I didn't mean to." Ashton said quietly through his tears. It sounded like he was mostly saying it to himself.

"You're the reason my motorcycle crashed?" Michael asked, his voice louder this time.

"I'm sorry." Ashton cried.

"I had a family!" he was yelling now. He stood from the couch but couldn't bring himself to get any closer to Ashton. "They left because the house had too many memories of me. I had a girlfriend and she left too! She's dating my friend! I had a life, Ashton, and you fucking took that from me because you were lonely? Do you think that's a fucking excuse?"

"I wasn't in control!" he shouted back.

"You've said it yourself that you're still aware!" Michael roared. "And you think that you not being in control is an excuse?"

"Michael," Ashton stood, my hand still in his. "If I could take it back, you know I would."

Michael took a deep breath, his nostrils flaring. "I just want to know one thing," there was a long pause between his words. "How?"

Ashton bit at his lip as he remembered what happened. "I went invisible...and I stood in the you were driving to Annie's house."

I assumed Annie was the girlfriend Michael was referring to. Michael nodded slowly, a tear escaping as he sat back down on the couch. Ashton suddenly looked down, staring at his newly free hand.


I put both of my hands in my lap and shook my head. "I-I can't. Ashton, I'm sorry, did all of that."

"No, Bridgette, please." he begged. I was thankful for the immunity potion.

"I think you should go." I told him, finding it hard to tell him that.

Ashton fell to his knees. "I don't have anywhere else; I don't have anyone. Bridgette, please, I didn't mean to."

I nodded, not saying anything. Ashton's face softened and he put his head in my lap. I put my hand on his head for a moment before standing. "Then I'm leaving."

He looked up at me with wide eyes. He looked so much like his brother like that - it actually hurt. "Please don't leave me."

I walked toward the door, but turned to tell him, "And don't follow me."

"Cooper!" Michael called after me. I spun around again, ready to tell him to fuck himself if he even tried to convince me to hear Ashton out. Didn't he even realize what Ashton did to him? "Mind if I come with you?"

"Not at all." I told him.

With that, we left the house in silence. I grabbed his hand, needing some sort of support. The boy that I loved - the first boy I ever loved - was a murderer. He killed his family, my brother, the boy walking next to me, and even other people. I understood he had episodes, but that didn't justify the fact he was a killer.

We walked across the street in silence. Once we reached my lawn, Michael and I turned into each other at the same time and hugged - the first hug I think we've ever shared since I met him. And we both cried right there.

"I loved him." I kept crying, "I trusted him."

Mikey would answer, "I know. I did too."

The door opened and we both looked up to see Jeremy. "Did you want to come in, or just stand- Are you okay?"

I rushed over to him and threw my arms around his waist and sobbed into his neck. "I'm sorry, Jeremy. I'm sorry I stayed with him. I didn't know, I'm sorry."

When he realized what I was talking about, he put his hands on my back and rubbed up and down. "It's okay, Bridgette," he kept telling me. I felt him look up, probably at Mikey. "Would you like to come in?"

"Please." he replied.

Jeremy led me out of the way for Michael to come in. And then he shut the door, like I sort of shut the door on Ashton and me.


Not to be rude or anything but can you guys comment something else than ‘update’ ‘update’ ‘update’. Its getting on my nervous that I get excited that there’s comments, but it ends up being more pressure on me to update.

Can you comment things like feedback or maybe what you think of the characters’ reaction something you can relate to or even comment what you think might happen; I might put it in the story ;-), just comment something different than ‘update’ please

(you can comment ‘update’ AND your option on something or whatever.)

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