I open my door and walk through the hall. This house is too big for one person so maybe I should look for a roommate. More like a housemate but yeah I don't think that's a word. (Is it?)
Being alone in this house makes me feel lonely and small.
My walls are all white and my floor is light grey. My kitchen is black, so are my couch, table and chairs.
I'm not a colourfull girl. My wristbands are the only things with colour that I actually wear.
I look at my wristbands and take them off.
All I can see now, are my scars.
They remind me of everything I've been through. It sucks.
Every single time I look at them, I get the urge to do it again.
Get your shit together Sophie, you can't do this anymore. You have to change, that's why you're here.
I walk upstairs and open the door to my bedroom.
My walls are also white here and my floor is also grey.
I look at my boring walls and decide to decorate my room a bit.
I open some boxes and hang up posters from my favorite bands. Yeah, I'm that kind of girl.
Ever since I was little, I used to listen to bands like Coldplay, Nirvana and many more. My grandma and I could listen to it all day long. Cool grandma huh?
I turn on the radio and sing along as loud as I can. More like screaming but hey, who cares? It's my own house.
Then suddenly a song comes up that I don't know. I think it's a new one.
''Ladies and gentlemen, this song is called 'She Looks So Perfect' by a new band named 5 Seconds Of Summer!''
I listen to the song and I absolutely love it!
I have to remember this band because I think they have more songs that I'll like.
After a few hours of decorating and cleaning, I decide to take some rest.
It's almost 11 pm and I have a huge jetlag.
I walk to my bathroom and take a look at myself.
My hair is a mess and I see some new pimples.
I try not to cry because of the way I look.
Why am I always the ugly one?
Why can't I be as pretty as all the other girls?
Why am I not as thin as all the orher girls?
I notice tears streaming down my face and I try to whipe them away but they just keep coming.
I hear voices in my head saying I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. And I'll never be.
I remember hearing that every single day, 16 years long.
Those stupid bitches made me feel nothing but awfull.
I just want to feel loved, be loved.
I am now sitting on the floor while crying my eyes out.
Gosh I hate myself.
These moments are the moments that I want to use the drugs and alchohol again but I can't.
I have to stay strong.
Not because I want to, but I have to.
It's complicated, I know.
I finally stop crying and get up again.
My makeup is all over my face, my eyes red and puffy.
I take off my makeup, pull my hair in a ponytail and put on my pj's. I jump on my bed and grab my diary.
I write letter after letter, word after word. I write about my first day here, how I met Luke but also about my breakdown.
Writing is the only way I can express my feelings.
I'm not that kind of person that talks about how I really feel. I always put on a fake smile and say I'm fine.
After a few hours of writing, I decided stop writing and get some sleep because morrow is my first day at my new school.
This chapter is a little sad, sorry for that!
I just didn't know what to write anymore so yeahhh.....