"liberum arbitrium"

It's from Latin.
It means that you're free to make your own choices.
And life it's made of choices.


7. There's no where to hide




 "I have this feeling that won't go away, and I'm afraid it will never leave."


- Ally -

September 22th - Monday 

10:27 A.M.


    I roll to the left, trying to hide away from the sunlight peeking through the blinds. I start to feel hot with the warmth of the light and the covers around me. I sit up, feeling my hole body ache. I get up and freshen it up, to see if it will make me feel a little less horrible. It kinda works, at least I feel a bit more comfortable. As I walk back to the room I notice a small piece of paper laying between the pillows. 


"Feel free to eat, watch, or call whoever/wherever you want. 


  I smile at the thought of someone thinking about me right after they wake up. Not as in a romantic way, but just as in "i know you exist" way. That's something I barely had. Even thought I was right beside him when he woke up, it was really nice of him. But from the minute I met him, when he wasn't ?


1:10 P.M.


    After swiping channel after channel about a hundred times, I turn the tv off. I take a quick glance at the clock on the room, which i can see from my seat on the couch, and it occurs to me that maybe I should eat something. Its lunch time, isn't it ? I wouldn't really know, i would regularly forget to have my meals, or any basic necessities.


    I start to get anxious, not only about Lucas delay, but just the because I naturally overthink everything. That is the real problem. Trying to avoid any further looping of worries I start to search for my pack of cigarettes. As I look thought the bedroom I see my lighter by the window, and I remember that I lighted the last one last night. 


   I start to pace around the apartment, searching for a distraction. I keep thinking "I just need a pack of cigs", cause that's what they are to me, a distraction from the real problems, especially from the biggest of them, my troubled mind. As i go trough the kitchen I catch a glance on the knife on the balcony. I take a deep breath and look away. I need to get myself together. 


    2:10 P.M.


     I've gone mad. I'm literally sitting, almost in tears, by the door, waiting for Lucas to get home. How pathetic. How more needier could I get? But at last, it seems like my prayers have been answered, because not long after, he was opening the door. With all my hopelessness, I jump on my feet and start spilling everything I was waiting to say, only because I was scared to start crying in the middle of a constructed sentence. I could already feel the tear building up, and I just stared talking. 


     But something I wasn't expecting was Luke having someone with him. Shit. I was disturbing them. I shouldn't be here. As always. 


     I quickly apologize and rush to the room, but not as fast as my blood rushes to my cheeks.


     No no no no no. I keep repeating on my head, with a consuming bad feeling deep inside me. Shame maybe? Luke opens the door, and I'm siting on the ground beside the bed. Before he closes the door I hear another one shutting close. "Did she leave ?" I ask looking up at him. "Yeah," "No she can't leave just because of me. Tell her to come back, I'll go.." " I start but Luke interrupts me. "Yes, she left. But i wanted her to leave, okay? I asked her to leave. And you're not going anywhere. Only if you truly want to." I nod in response. "


   "Anyway." He says putting on top of the bed a few bags. "Melissa helped me get some stuff for you." I start to open a few of them and there are some basic tees, a few sports bras, underwear, a pair of pajamas, and some other stuff. "You didn't need to buy all this stuff for me." I say feeling the warmth inside me again. No one ever  spend all this much just on clothes for me. "Of corse I needed. You can't keep wearing the same pair of clothes forever. And I thought you would rather use these than keep wearing my clothes." The second he finishes his sentence I'm on his arms. I hug him tight, welcoming the feeling and the warmth. 


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