"liberum arbitrium"

It's from Latin.
It means that you're free to make your own choices.
And life it's made of choices.


3. The start

"It's hard to choose what's worse, not know what's happening or not know what to do."



  September 20th - Saturday

8:00 A.M.


    I wake up with the sobs coming from my bedroom. I think twice before opening the door, wondering if I'll be welcome. "Allison ?" I call her name while knocking on the door. "Are you okay ?" I ask once I'm inside the room. "Yes." she quickly answers, like she was only waiting for her cue to speak. I seat beside her, on my small twin sized bed. She's rolled up on the covers, her head facing the other away. She was still, almost like she was trying not to move. "Don't do this." I say. "What ?" "Don't lie to me, from all the people in the world." She sits up, her face is red and wet and i can see pain in her eyes. "Tell me." "What ?" "Anything." She sighs, and dries her face with the hem of her shirt. She grabs a pillow and hugs it. "Your stuff smell really good." She says and I smile, and she gives me a small smile back. That something, I guess.

       "C'mon." I say taking her hand. "Where ?" "Shower." I say and she takes a step back. "Don't worry, I won't be joining you. I'll just help you turn it on, it's a bit tricky." I lead her to the small bathroom of my apartment, and then leave her to take her shower. I choose a shirt and a pair of boxers of mine and leave it on the bed for her. "I left some clothes for you." I say to the closed door. "Okay." she answers and I leave the room closing the door behind me. 


       I sit on the couch and wait for her to come out. I keep staring at the stained yellow wall in front of me, thinking about Allison's broken eyes. Eyes I'll never forget. 


      I jump in the couch when the room door bangs, making a loud noise. "Sorry." She says holding herself. I get up and walk closer to her, but not really sure of whats to do. "Felling better?" "Yeah, a bit." "So, toast ?" "Hun ?" "Aren't you hungry ?" "Yes, a bit. Thank you." She says and turns around heading to the small kitchen. "Jelly or butter ?" "Butter its okay." I make our toasts while she's sat on the chair next to the counter, looking at her hands.


     I go through all the things on my head, thinking about something I could said to her. I look at the plates in front of me and pick one. "Here." she gives me a small smile, almost like she rehearsed this. We eat in silence and i feel like she's wondering why I'm staring at her. I'm still thinking of something to say when i remember a date tip from Marry. "Say something you like about her. Like her hair." "Why ?" "Eyes." We say at the exact same time. "What ?" we speak together once more. We stay in silence, but now staring at each other. In her eyes are question marks, and in mine probably panic. I keep looking at her, waiting for her to repeat what she said, but i guess she's doing the same. "I said eyes." I repeat myself, and realize how stupid I sound. "I like, I think you have interesting eyes." I kind of stutter. "Oh." She says and and starts playing with her hair on her finger. "You're the first one to tell me that." she says lowing her head and smiling to herself. "That's a shame." Its the first, and only, thing that pops on my mind. 


   Now, once again, we're back to the silence. 


   "Why." she finally speaks. "sorry ?" "Why did you do it? Why did you stop the car? Why do you care ?" She asks. I seat up straight. I didn't stop to think about that. So much happened but at the same time not much. The last ten hours were kind of a blur, but at the same time it keeps repeating on my mind. "I don't know." I say and she stares at me with a blank expression. "How come you just don't know. You brought a stranger to your house. Are you insane ?" "I guess we both are, aren't we?" My question makes her stop. I didn't meant to be rude, I just said what came to my mind, and it was actually something better then 'eyes'. "You shouldn't have done this." she whispers. "Why not ?" "You just shouldn't." She says and gets up, leaving me alone with my crumbles and her almost uneaten toast. "Why did I do this ?" I repeat to myself. 


   I go seat on the couch, since Allison is on my bedroom. I seat there alone watching tv till she comes out of the room. "Can I have a drink ?" "Sure, glasses on the second shelf, and you can take anything from the fridge." She nods and goes to the kitchen. I watch her every move till she comes seat next to me. We keep looking at the tv, even tho I know none of us are actually paying attention to the show on the tv. "Do you want to call someone ?" I ask, when she sets the glass on the floor close to her. "No." she says without a thought. "Are you sure ? Aren't your parents going to be worried ?" "No." "Friends ?" "I don't have anyone to call, okay?" She says kinda angry. "Sorry." I apologize. "And could you stop staring at me all the time please ?" "I'm just looking out for you." "Why ? Cause you're afraid I'll die on your fucking kitchen ?" "No, cause I don't want to have to do what i did again, and you would  be mad at me even more." I answer in the same tone as her.


"I'm not mad at you." she says almost like she's scared of me, after a while. "Then why you are so rude to me ? Why you are acting like you didn't want to be here, like you didn't want me to be here ?" "Cause it's all wrong." she says and a few tears roll down her pink cheeks. For a few seconds I just watch her cry, till i realize I was supposed to do something. "Nothing's wrong." I say holding her. "Don't fucking say that. I hate when people say that when, obviously, things aren't." She says pushing me away. "Okay, so tell me what's wrong. Please." I beg. "The people around me." "Gee, thanks." I say and she laughs mid sob. Till now i actually didn't hear her have a proper laugh, a little giggle and quite a few fakes smiles, but not a laugh. And god, I should do this more. "Not you. The people who were around me." "Like your family." "Yeah, but you can say everybody was a mistake." "Anyway, you can call anyone if you change your mind. My phone is on the kitchen counter. It doesn't have a password." "No ? Why not ?" "I don't have anything to hide." She studies my face before speaking up again. "Or maybe thats what you want people to think."

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