Tuesday, 15th August
This is so incredibly stupid. I already dedicated my life to writing, why on earth should writing even more help me? This logic is horribly flawed.
Yet here I am, sat inside my room (tucked up in the corner in my little nook that seems to smell faintly of coffee and home), writing in this journal because it’s supposed to help.
Okay so I’ll start with telling you how my day went. Today I went to see my editor. When I entered the cold room the first thing he said was “You need another extension?”
I suppose I’m doing that thing where people tell you what they are doing instead of telling you about their emotions and how they’re feeling so here goes. My stomach churned and I felt predictable. One thing I had never wanted to be. But I didn’t really feel anything much.
“Gee, hello to you too Alex, I’m fine, thanks for asking.” I had drawled back. He let out a laugh that was dry, bitter and rough from cigarettes and whiskey, and he smirked a smirk masking all sorts of pain. But I didn’t say anything and hurriedly asked for another extension on my deadline.
I can’t work to deadlines. I can’t work at all. I’m drowning in a pit of my own loneliness and despair and this was not how I imagined life as an author to be at all.
Millions of readers are waiting for the next instalment on my book series but I’m just too tired. I’m the type of tired that sleep can’t fix.
-Elle (Pronounced Ella)
Wednesday 16th August
Today I got no work done. I seem to have a marvellous ability to do nothing all day. I appear to have dropped my motivation and I’m not bothered to pick it up.
Millions of people are eager to see the next instalment of my book series but I’m not one of them. I’m not eager for anything. Mum thinks I’m depressed. Sometimes depression is unavoidable.
Today I analysed my own characters for the millionth time. It seems no matter how hard I try, all of my characters are just self-portraits. Each just another self-portrait. A different projection of myself onto a blank canvas.
I also had some soup. It was bland.
Friday 18th August
Today Mum died.
It’s been a long time coming, I suppose that’s why I’ve been so down over the past few days. It’s hard to accept she’s gone. It’s hard to realise she’s gone. She’s been a constant in my life, a permanent steady fixture who was always there. And now she’s not.
I suppose this shows I’m getting a bit old. The older generation is dying and I’m next in line. This shows how selfish I am. I’m moping over a loss and a mid-life crisis and my mother is the one who is dead for God’s sake.
I don’t know if I believe in heaven and I’m uncertain as to how I feel right now. It’s just a dull throbbing pain, an uncertain numbness and an awkward emptiness right next to my heart. I’ve realised I’m not really certain of anything. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t think I ever did.
Friday 19th August
Today I cried.
Jason came over. He’s up from California for Mum’s funeral. I didn’t realise how much I missed my brother till he showed up on my doorstep and 3am unannounced, mumbling incoherent things and swearing things that I cannot repeat on paper under his breath, cursing late night flights.
He collapsed onto the couch almost immediately. In the morning he crawled into my bed and I cried. I cried over Mum. I cried over writers block. I cried over my fiancée leaving me and I cried over the millions of readers I was disappointing with my ill-timed mental breakdown and identity crisis.
But mostly I cried for myself and hated myself for it.
Jack didn’t have any answers but that’s okay because I’m not even sure I had questions.
I felt a lot better afterwards.
Saturday 20th of August
Today I felt a lot better. I sent this message on my blog that had been deserted in recent weeks. I was painfully aware that my many fans would read it later. It felt like a huge weight off my shoulders.
‘Elle McIvors Blog -20th of August, 13:46
If you’re reading this then it means you are a fan of my ‘Alison Terry: Girl Wizard’ series.
This isn’t a note regarding a new book, though it’s been eons since my last book. In fact it’s quite the opposite. I’m not going to abandon the series but I need a break. A long and well deserved one. A break from deadlines and stress.
I need time for myself and I need time to figure out what to do. I need to pull my life together. I don’t know who I am and I probably won’t know for a while, but maybe that’s okay.
I could never abandon the series so do not fear that. Alison and her world are far too big a part of my life to give up on. One day I will let her go and release the final book. I’m just taking a break. You have known from the start that Alison is going to die at the end, and believe me, I’m dreading it too. What will I do after Alison goes?
So here I am, announcing my break that will extend into the foreseeable future. This isn’t about my mother’s recent death but it did contribute. It gave me a bit of a wake-up call. I’ve been a mess and I hope you respect and understand my decision.
Stay cool! –Elle”
I’m glad I sent the message. This also means a break from writing in this diary too so goodnight Diary, thank you.
Maybe this wasn’t such a stupid idea.