This is where I live

Every day is the same, no one new, no change.


4. The streets she walks


Another dawn is fighting the night. I don't feel like waking up but then my eyes finally fly open as I recall last night. 

I can't imagine how much I humiliated my family. I have been a humiliation since the day they got to know about my ability to have a disability. My news was struck upon my family like a storm, mild then all of a sudden blowing away all the people.

And yesterday, I created a hurricane. 

I didn't want to go in but mum dragged me into the mansion, in front of everyone, with her nails digging into my skin but I still didn't make a sound. I struggled to let go of her strong hold but I am too weak; too weak to free myself. Everyone stared at me and I caught some of them laughing at my struggle. I saw my sister rolling her eyes a me as she mouthed, "Idiot" to her friends. I could not bear this humiliation. I have always been a walking epitome of a humiliated being. I couldn't bear it anymore. 

Then it happened again.

I opened my mouth and tried shouting. I used all my energy to scream out my pain. Tightly closing my eyes I screamed and suddenly a soft energy pierced in my ears. I stopped... My eyes slowly opened to see the whole population present in the house tightly closing their ears with their palms, their eyes shut and some had blood coming out of their ears. I quickly got up and rushed to my room and locked myself in, tightly shutting my eyes in an attempt to forget everything in the midst of darkness. 

I check my watch. It's 6:30 am. I thought time passes faster, but, oh well, I forgot that it is a stubborn thing and it doesn't want one to have a lovely time. Time passes away real quick when you're having a good time and it gets slow when you want it to pass away. The worst thing is that I can't even listen to the rhythms of the clock so that I could hear it pass away. 

I close my eyes and try to recall the energy. It feels as if something like that happened before... I quickly open my eyes. 

This is impossible. Did it really happen again? Did I really hear the sound?

I don't know the answer, but I know I felt it... again. 

My heavy eyes, stuck between the struggle of conscience and sub-conscience, finally decide to choose the former.The eyelids push open to witness the feeble rays of the sun tearing from behind the misty clouds through the only window of the dark room. My pupils dilate at the sight of the magnificent beauty of the scenery. All the darkness in my mind is illuminated by the sight. Last night, last month, last year, my life, I have forgotten everything and my mind is diverted to another world. The world is far beyond this one, so far away, where all you get to see elated with some kind of happiness, some kind of joy I cannot feel living in this hellhole. What if I am making a mistake living here? What if there is a place like this where I can get everything I ever wanted and where I would also be everything someone ever asked for? 

Quickly, I shake my head and break out of reverie. I am thinking too much. Fantasies are only bound to the periphery of a book, and neither I nor anyone else could enter it. I wish there was something like that. Unfortunately, my life isn't a movie. 


I look back outside at the sun, now celebrating its victory by proving the warm lights from far away.

If I'm insane, then I think there is hope for something and even if there isn't, I neither gain nor lose living here inside this prison. I have humiliated myself enough and it is time I get to move on and forget whatever happened. 

The only way to start anew is.... Escape. 



Slinging my duffle bag on my shoulder I push open the windows out wide. Everything I would need is neatly stuffed in my bag. I have left many things behind; I won't be needing them. Not being materialistic, only two pairs of sports shoes, a few pair of clothes, my wallet and a pitch fork occupies my bag. The last one is for in case some miracle happens.  

I again peek up at the sun; green versus yellow. There is something about it which fills me with hope. This time I am not hesitating to take my decision because I don't think that what I am doing is right; I know it is. The pleasant breeze whisks past my face, pulling me out. I look down at the ground waiting for me just a floor below. I fill my lungs with ample of air and breathe out all the negativity. 

I can do it. 

Grabbing the branch of the tree stooping beside the window, I make a tight grip on around it. Carefully, setting my foot on the fattest girth of the branch, I slowly lie on it and try to slither slowly to the center. I shut my eyes tightly as I hang ten feet above the ground. I cannot move. I am stuck at the first branch I grabbed, I won't be able to move, or else I'll fall. My skin starts to sweat and my heart beat increases. I could feel my heart slowly making its way in my throat. In a futile attempt to make a move, I try to move my hand but it shivers with great vigor even at a twitch. 

Suddenly a few vibrations of incoherent tones touch my ear. My parents are awake. They may come up to check up on me.

My eyes fly open. Yes, I won't die. Mum will come to save me. I open my mouth to shout out whatever that comes out of it. I want to call them and save me from the notorious plans of my mind. 

No, don't give up! My mind shouts. It is better to fall than to land back in that hellhole. 

The words mutely reverberated in my mind. Thinking about the sun, about how it struggled to fight the darkness, I slowly moved my shivering palms against the branch and pushed myself down. I have wasted enough of my time in this place, I cannot live here anymore. The simple curved of the tree makes it easy for me to slither down but with it it makes it easy for me to fall too. I steadily place the tip of my foot on the tiniest hole of the tree nearest to me and free my other leg to hang above the ground. As if on cue, my other foot slips from the tree hollow and all that I am hanging on are my sweaty palms which have tightly held on to the rather weak branch. 

Do not look down, do not look down! 

My palms are starting to pain, and the fingers are slipping. Oh God, I don't want to die right now! I look up at my hands death gripping the branch and then... I LOOK DOWN. My head starts to spin and panic seizes me. I now realise that I have made a big mistake and that I am going to die soon. Tears start to blur my vision as I beg the unknown almighty power to make someone appear for help. I don't want my parents to catch me like this and then find another reason to call me insane, and I don't want to die either. 

My hands finally give up, feeling the latter was a better call. I tightly shut my eyes again and get ready to feel the pain. I pierce through the air as my stomach sinks and I know what would happen next. I know that I won't be able to open my eyes again. I know-

I don't feel anything. I don't feel the pain, I don't feel as if I am dead. I open my eyes and find myself safely sitting under the tree as if I had been there for a long time.

This can't happen, it's impossible. Am I dreaming? 

I shake my head and get up without wasting a second and sprint towards the border wall of the mansion, careful not to be noticed. I don't look anywhere except for the wall standing proudly erect against the soft ground. The only destination I could see right now is the one beyond that wall and there's nothing else I want except for freedom. 

What do I do when I reach that wall? I jump over it. With all my strength I grab the edge of and pull myself up. Then without any hesitation my legs pull out of the periphery and I jump to the other side, and without stopping I run. I don't turn around. I just run. 

In the labyrinth of streets my feet turn to different unknown directions. I don't care where I am going but I know it would be a better place than my so-called home. I look around at the children going to school who doubtfully eye me and look back to see what I am running from. The horror in my face to run away from home would be seriously palpable or else people won't really care.

Just as I feel I am far away from being caught by my parents, I slow down my pace and sharply inhale the fresh air of freedom. I feel elated, as if all the weight from me has been lifted. I never felt so much happier while writing my personal diary (as someone suggested it helped to put off the heaviness) than I am feeling right now.

Well I guess I should run away more than to write a daily page of diary...



Crap. I quickly slip the duffle off my shoulder and unzip it. Frantically I search for any sign of diary in my bag... None.

Shit! Where did I leave it?! I zip up the bag quickly and look around to find any signs that could recall my memory. I didn't see it at home or else I would have got it with me. It sits right at front of me at my table and there is no way I wouldn't have seen it! God, I don't want anyone to get hold of it and read it. 

Wait. I must have left it in my school locker yesterday. No, I don't want to go to school! I should just run away to the city railway station before my parents come looking for me. But they would still find my diary!

Standing in between the intersection, I look around at the children making their way to school. I have one way to go and I guess I have no choice but to follow others. 

I guess I can bear as few minutes of school.

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