Peter and Brian in 'Sheep Movie'

From the creators of 'Scary Movie', 'Date Movie' and 'Epic Movie', here comes the next in the series: 'Sheep Movie' an adaption of 'A Close Shave', with characters from 'Family Guy', 'American Dad' and 'The Cleveland Show' playing 'Wallace and Gromit' characters. First published on Fanfiction.net on 31/05/2010, but revised and updated for Wallace and Gromit's 20th Anniversary.

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3. The Game's A-Hoof

After a hard day’s work, wouldn’t you want to just jump onto the comfy sofa and have a nice hot cup of tea? That’s what Wallace and Gromit wanted when they came home, but –
   “Good God!” yelled Wallace. His house was destroyed and his sofa was ripped. Pictures have fallen from the wall and the house smells like alcohol. “What’s all this? Buglers? Thieves? Prostitutes?”
   “Wallace, why would prostitutes do this?” asked Gromit.
   “Because when they do their business with their customers, they make a mess like this,” replied Wallace.
   Then they heard a noise from the kitchen. Gromit went to the door, listened with his ears and opened the door. He was in shock. What he saw was drunken sheep drinking beer with the two dresser robots.
   “What the hell is going on here?” asked a confused Gromit, scratching his head.
   “Oh, yeah,” slurred the sheep. “Well, these guys have been working so hard, I thought I’d cut them some slack by letting them have a drink! Some inventors and owners you guys are!”
   Wallace angrily came into the kitchen. “Drinking on the job? I should fire you by putting you on the fire! You guys are a waste of space and time, like C-3PO.”


Wallace and Gromit were being chased by Imperial Stormtroopers in Cloud City. C-3PO was following them and panicking.
   “Wait for me! Don’t leave me here! Masters!” Those were the last words C-3PO ever said.
Wallace and Gromit looked behind.
   “There’s nothing we can do for him,” said Wallace tearfully. “He’ll be put to good use. I know it.”
   Two years later, C-3PO’s gold plating was used to build a solar panel for cloud city where the city can have power without damaging to the environment or to the planet, Bespin.


“Now, get up and clean this mess!” Wallace snapped at the robots.
   “No, no, I too drunk,” complained the dresser robot mark two.
   “Then clean the sheep!” commanded Wallace.
   “Does that that mean I have to wash his woolly asre?” asked the dresser mark one drunkenly.
   “Yes,” answered the sheep.
   “Fine!” yelled Wallace, picking up the sheep. “I have to do everything myself here!” He and the sheep stormed off.
   “Look who’s talking,” muttered Gromit, as he followed.


You can trust Gromit with those words. After all, every time a hovering machine exploded in the room after a fight of crackers or an auto chef robot makes a cock-up for your breakfast or your television exploding from throwing a ball into it (these are all references to the Cracking Contraptions series, in case you were wondering), everything will go wrong and guess who will have to clean it up?


Wallace took the sheep down to the basement and put him in the tub of the latest invention – the Knit-o-matic machine.
   “What’s this?” complained the sheep. “I wouldn’t expect to find Bill Gates or Ted Turner in this bath.” 
   “Maybe not, but with a quick shampoo, you will feel like you’re swimming in the Blue Lagoon,” Wallace told the sheep, as he pressed the buttons. “I tested this on Gromit and that’s what he said. Isn’t that right, lad?”
   “Actually, it felt like – ” A disagreeing Gromit actually remembered the bath spinning him around like the Tasmanian Devil.
   Anyway, he just nodded. “Yeah, whatever,” he muttered. Then he set the machine from ‘Light Shave’ to ‘Wash’.
   “Right! Off we go, then,” said Wallace.
   And the machine pumped and washed the sheep around. Of course, the sheep hated it. “I feel like the crew in The Perfect Strom! Now I know why they gave the movie that title.”
   “No, this is just like the water park Wet ‘n’ Wild and – Oh, crap!” Wallace saw the pipe coming down and sucked the lamb up into the machine. “Oh, my God! Gromit, what the hell are you doing?”
   “I don’t know!” protested Gromit. “It’s got a mind of its own.” Gromit tried to turn the ‘Light Shave’ to ‘Wash’.
   Then all Wallace and Gromit could do was see the sheep’s wool spinning around and being turned into a jumper. The dresser robot mark one took it and slammed it on Wallace’s fat face.
   “There you are, sir,” said the drunken robot. “One perfect jumper for a fat head.”
   “Oh, brilliant! Smashing, this!” muffled Wallace through the jumper. “It’s a bit tight.”
   “Then let’s get three more sheep and make the next jumper an XXX large!” Gromit laughed his head off. All he got from his master was a middle finger.
   Then, out from the machine, a strange grey alien shot up. “Oh, God!” he complained. “That was so totally…” He realized he wore nothing and put his wool back on. “Awesome,” he finally finished.
   Wallace took the jumper off. “Ah, you look all right to me.”
   “T-t-t-ooo yooouuu m-maybe,” shivered the sheep, “but I’m n-n-n-not to-o m-m-mys-self.”
   “Well, come on, Shaun, I’ll get you something warm,” said Wallace, moving up.
   “Shaun?”
   “Well, what do you want to be called?”
   “I like Elvis or Fred,” answered the sheep.
   “Well, you don’t look like those names suit you,” argued Wallace, as he and ‘Shaun’ walked up, leaving Gromit to shut the door.
   But the room wasn’t empty. Out of a drain grid shot up Preston! He had witnessed the whole scheme and was very impressed. He looked and found Wallace’s plans for the Knit-o-matic machine.
   “Gotcha!” he exclaimed triumphantly, swiping the plans and vanishing without a trace.


No one knew that the plans were stolen, because Wallace and Gromit were busy tiding up the house, while Shaun was just drinking all the alcohol. Gromit was getting annoyed with this, but Wallace was angrier with the robots, which were still refusing to work.
   “I’ve given you two days off and this is how you thank me, by refusing to work?” he yelled.
   “Yes, we’re on strike!” shouted the dresser robot mark one.
   “I’ll tell you what,” sighed Wallace, reaching the end of his rope, “go down to the basement and clear all the rats out.”
   “No, no,” protested the dresser robot mark two. “Rats are training turtles to become ninjas.”


Inside the basement, there were about twenty giant rats teaching about two hundred giant turtles with colourful ninja head bands to be ninjas.
   Wallace barged in. “I’m sorry to disturb class, but you guys now own me half a million pounds! So you either give me my money or go to another school.” And he slammed the door. The animals were just stunned and silent.
   “Well done,” cheered the chief rat. “You did not let that man tell you to leave.”
   “But he just spoke!” pointed out one turtle called Michelangelo.
   “But the point was we’re staying here and not moving for him. You’re taking your training seriously.”
   “What training?” Michelangelo asked. “I thought I was a great painter.”


Later, Wallace had an idea. “Gromit, you know we’re doing the clock tomorrow?”
   “Well,” sighed Gromit, “it’d better not be like the last time.”


Last time they were cleaning the clock tower, Wallace was holding onto the big finger of the clock. He was screaming as loud as his burping and farting.
   “See, Gromit?” he asked. “It’s funnier with screaming than that silent movie with Harold Lloyd.”
   “No, Wallace, I, along with everyone in the world, knows that Harold Lloyd was better,” answered Gromit. “What you’re doing is stupid and pointless.”


So it was decided that Gromit would go up alone… and get splashed by soap powder! From below?
   “Sorry, Gromit, that was a bit thick!” called Wallace, who was sitting in the sidecar next to his bike. Shaun was with him.
   “Here,” cried Shaun as he picked up some toys from Sci-Fi movies and shows. “Why don’t you practice with these?”
   Shaun threw an Imperial TIE Fighter. Wallace fired with soap studs and – BULLS-EYE! The ship was washed down.
   Shaun threw a Klingon spaceship and Wallace got that. Shaun threw more: The Lost in Space ship, two Top Gun planes, five Pearl Habour movie planes, two Naz-gul riders from Lord of the Rings and… a pair of grapes?
   “I hate grapes,” complained Shaun.
   “God! Will you guys give it a rest down there?” yelled a frustrated Gromit, trying to focus on his work.
   “All right, Gromit!” called Wallace, getting out of the sidecar. “I’ll give you peace and quiet.”
   “So will I,” said Shaun. He followed Wallace to the wool shop, but Wallace shut the door behind him. Then Shaun smelt something.
   “Smells like Jacob’s Creek!” he cheered happily and he walked through the gates to find it.
   Gromit was watching from above and saw Shaun. Then he looked to see Preston was watching from his room. Gromit couldn’t help but suspecting this scary-as-his-feathers bully was part of something and Shaun was a victim.


Inside Wendolene’s Wool, Wallace was feeling very comfortable… not! He felt shy and didn’t know what to say to Wendolene.
   “Tell me about windows,” Wendolene said politely.
   “Windows are… made of glass and are… very easy to clean.”
   “Oh, really (?)”
   “Yes, I’m inventing mostly,” said Wallace, putting his head on his neck.
   “What kind of inventions?” asked Wendolene.
   “Well, like the helping you wipe the crap of your table and using it without damaging the environment.”
   “That’s what daddy used to do,” Wendolene said. “He would have loved to have met you. Poor daddy.”
   “What happened to him?” asked Wallace in his best act of symphony.


Gromit was wiping the windows of Wendolene’s Wool and looking at Wallace and Wendolene chatting.
   “Help!” shouted a voice.
   “What?” Gromit looked up.
   “Help!” cried Shaun, before he was pulled in back into the hole under the roof.
   Gromit put the ladder in the correct position, climbed up and peered in. It was dark, but he could see Shaun.
   “What’s going on?” Gromit asked.
   “Big smile!” yelled Shaun.
   ZAP!
   A big camera took a picture of them.
   “That was rubbish!” exclaimed a voice. “Please give a happier smile!”
   Gromit and Shaun did.
   ZAP!
   “Now give a funny face, like Mr. Bean’s,” said the unseen voice.
   Gromit and Shaun did their best Mr. Bean impressions.
   ZAP!
   “Now give me your best Hannibal impressions!”
   “Why not Hannah Montana?” asked Shaun.
   “Just do it!” ordered the voice.
   Gromit and Shaun did.
   ZAP!
   “Okay, thank you, that’s a wrap,” the voice said.
   Gromit took his head out of the wall and took a breather. Then he climbed down the ladder. He went into the wool shop. Wallace and Wendolene were so busy chatting; they didn’t notice Gromit going upstairs.
   “You know,” Wendolene said in an I-need-a-man mood, “no one’s talked to me in two years. I’m having such a good time.”
   “And you are the – How can I put? – Of all the women – ” Wallace was sputtering his words.


Upstairs, in the room he and Shaun were taken from a camera, Gromit entered the room. It was deserted and nothing what he saw was there. Not even Shaun. Then he felt something with his paw. He picked a can up.
   “‘Preston’s Chicken Food’?” read Gromit. “What’s this got to do with sheep?”
   Then he heard a voice. “Gromit! GROMIT! Where the hell are you?”
   Gromit turned and looked at a window. There was Shaun’s head sticking out of the big green lorry.
   “Hold on, Shaun!” cried Gromit. “I’m coming!”
   And, as quick as lighting, he stormed down the stairs. He was invisible to Wallace and Wendolene as they were still chatting.
   “Come on!” snapped Wendolene, who was feeling bored. “I don’t have all day. Spit it out.”
   “Well, what I’m trying to say is – ” But Wallace just couldn’t get it off his chest.


Outside in the courtyard, Gromit went to the back of the lorry and pulled down the lever. The hatch fell down.
   “I’m coming, Shaun!” yelled Gromit, as he started to march up the ramp. Then he stopped for some reason. “What the hell?”
   Out of the lorry, there was a –
   “5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Sheep are Go!”
   Later, there was a whole flock of sheep. “FREEDOM!” they cried.
   Gromit moved to one side to let the sheep pass. They were so happy and because they’ve been in there for Lord knows, that they didn’t stop.


Back in the shop, Wallace cleared his throat and began to make his move. “Of all the ladies I’ve met, you are the most – ” He started well, but he couldn’t finish it because sheep were trying to take him with them.
   “Why don’t you come with us?” suggested a sheep named Seamus.
   “But I’m trying to – ”
   “Are you sheep or mouse?” asked Stan, one of the sheep.
   Stan whistled and three sheep, by the name of Sanders, Jackson and Dick, helped him away. Wendolene was stunned to see this and was distracted by a sheep called Quagmire.
   “A lady without wool, like yourself, is a pretty picture. Ow! Giggity giggity goo!” And he ran out with his friends.
   “Same time, next week?” Wallace waved before he vanished from the wool shop.


Back in the courtyard, Gromit found Shaun tied to the end of the lorry.
   “What are you waiting for?” asked Shaun. “Get me free!”
   “All right! Patience is a virtue!” protested Gromit.
   “Not to me, it’s not!” complained Shaun.
   Anyway, Gromit got him free and Shaun quickly ran free. Gromit tried to run, but only Shaun made it out.
   Outside, Shaun saw what was happening and he hid behind a box. He saw Preston and Robocop together.
   “I caught him, Officer,” Preston told Robocop. “I caught the sheep rustler!”
   “Excellent!” smiled Robocop. “The streets of England are safe now, thanks to you, Preston.” And both of them climbed into the lorry and started the engine.
   Shaun stopped hiding and made for the vehicle. He tried taking the plank off, but it was no good.
   “Don’t worry, I’ll get help!” yelled Shaun to Gromit as he watched the van disappear.

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