I hovered the box of Hugo and mums things over the bin.
Dr. Kohli had said that it was good to let go of material objects belonging to them.
I clenched my jaw, remembering my first burst of anger when James threw out some of Hugos things. I freaked out completely, tipping the bin over, finding a Romeo and Juliet copy ruined by food. I screamed something non-sensical at him, racing to Hugos room to salvage what I could find before a roaring James could dispose of what was left of my brother.
And here I was, the only living person who genuinely cared about him, with a box of his Romeo and Juliet D.V.D's and posters, and English papers he got an A in, wondering whether to get rid of it or not.
I didn't like how his things were entangled with mums stuff, but he loved her immensely, and this is probably the way he wants it to be.
Then I disapprovingly sniggered to myself.
He's dead. When was I going to let that fully sink in? He's dead, he can't see this and doesn't need anything any more.
But I still couldn't tip the box over.
"You're not throwing that stuff out, are you?" came a voice behind me, making me jump.
"I don't know.. Kohli thinks it might be good for me" I told Louise.
"I'm sure they wouldn't mind then."
"They're dead, how could they even mind?" I asked agitatedly.
"I'm sure they watch over you, Clodagh" she said matter of factly.
I looked at her sceptically.
"You don't believe in that crap, do you?"
"Of course" she laughed.
I shook my head.
"You'll understand one day" she smiled.
I looked back to the box. Louise walked over and put her hand on my back.
"Kohli's word isn't law. Keep it if you're not ready to let them go."
I bit my lip, and then nodded.
What if they were watching over me?
I brought the box back to my room.. Just in case.
I sat in my bed, reading some of my mums diary again, even though it made me feel sick to the stomach with guilt.
From trying to escape from Matthew, I ended up meeting a friend of his, James. I decided to hook up with him, trying to twist a knife in James."
I rolled my eyes. So Lacey gets it from mum as well as James.
I started to read and then cringed in disgust. Mum sure went into detail.
I skipped her version of 50 shades of Grey, and got to the end of the passage.
"I actually really like him! He's funny and hot and asked to see me again on Saturday! I need to decide my outfit!"
She signed off with "Alice", a heart on top of the i.
That signature looked like it took some effort.
I sighed disappointedly. I had hoped my mother was not a stereotypical young adult, didn't go with the flow, had some form of self respect and dignity.
But no. Why would she?
"Did you take your medicine?" my aunt asked as I was about to leave for class.
"They don't work" I told the door.
"Clodagh, you know they work. Take them please."
I sighed. I didn't like relying on this. On anything. I gulped down the pill with water quickly and left.
"I might go window shopping after class, but I won't stay out too long" I said quietly.
After my lecture that I was barely tuned in to, I went to a shopping centre, ignored the things I couldn't afford, sat on a bench and pulled out my mums diary. I skipped over useless descriptions of her life outside James and her fangirling about him after their date, until I found a page that seemed more relevant.
Me and James are officially an item! Some girl tried to tell me that he hit his last girlfriend, but I just told her to shut up. She was obviously jealous."
I scanned the rest of the page.
A nervous ball in the pit of my stomach formed.
He never would... Would he?
He didn't mean to. he really didn't. He apologised. He's trying to make up for it. I shouldn't have annoyed him. I apologised. He said he forgave me.
Her writing was far less girly and bubbly than before.
I read the small paragraph again, and gulped, before going to read it again.
My head snapped up to a boy no older than twenty, standing over me, stupidly grinning.
"Do you have the time?"
"Do you not have a phone nor eyes to see the enormous digital clock to your right?" I asked sarcastically.
He seemed amused.
"No, I mean the time to write down my number!"
"Oh, piss off!" I snapped. I was at an important revelation of my mothers life and di not have time for losers like this.
He glared at me, upset and vaguely angry. His deep brown eyes made me feel guilty. I closed my eyes and sighed, remembering telling me not to change. That was when I wasn't so damaged..
But it wasn't his fault. He wasn't to know.
I felt the anger drain from me, and I shut my mums diary.
"Sorry, it's just.."
"No need to explain" he shrugged.
"No, I get it. You're one of these girls with a bad attitude, and think they're better than everyone, am I right?"
"Go fuck yourself" I snapped, swiftly regaining my rage.
That was James, Lacey and mum, not me.
I turned to get up, but a strong grip met my shoulder.
"What!?" I barked.
"Look, I'm sorry" he said as if he was talking to a spooked horse. "I shouldn't judge. Everyone has bad days, right?"
Bad lives, more like.
"I'm sorry, let me get you a coffee. I'm Jake."