At this point I don’t even care that my hands are clutching the dark navy blue fabric of Harry’s t-shirt as I cry. I cry for what I just saw, my dad’s hands on a woman that wasn’t my mother, her hands in his dark brown hair and their mouths locked tightly together, I cry for my mother and what she’s going to go through when she finds out. I cry for myself and what I’d just witnessed. And I most importantly cry for Harry. I cry, because he’s the only sense of comfort I have right now, but I just hate him so much at this point that I just cry, because I hate him, but I love him more.
I can’t control the water pouring freely from eyes and rolling down my cheeks. Harry hasn’t said a word, but allows me to cry into his chest. His arms are now around my shoulders in a protective way as he shields me from the world.
It’s only when I hear the front door swing open that I free myself from Harry’s grasp and turn around to see that my father is now standing there with a red cheek. Next I see the woman he was swopping saliva with storm past him. She rushes part Harry and I, but not before saying:
“I didn’t know he was married, I’m so sorry.” She says so fast that I can barely make out just what she’s saying, but I do nonetheless. Her words sicken me even more. How could my father not tell her that he is married? And that he has a teenage daughter?! I’m utterly disgusted in the man I call my father after recalling all my most recent memories of him.
His drinking. His abuse and now his cheating. This is not the man that I had admired since I was four years old. This was a completely different man and I’m ashamed that he conceived me. I feel like gagging as he takes a step closer toward me and I instinctively back away into the arms of Harry.
Another person I want absolutely nothing to do with. Like my father, he had broken my heart too. He left me without any sort of explanation and now he thinks he can just come back and piece everything back together? He must be pretty freaking stupid if he thinks that he I am going to just all of a sudden forgive him just because he gave a comforting damn hug.
“Don’t come near me.” I say, my voice low. I push myself out of his arms and turn to my father. My hand flies back into the air and I slap him hard across the face, hearing the skin against skin sound. I love it.
“Don’t ever come near me again, or mom.” I glare as I watch him hold his cheek and hiss in pain. I nearly scream when I feel hands on my back.
“It’s okay, it’s just me.” Harry’s voice soothes in my ear. I nearly relax in his hold, but as soon as reality dawns over me, I push forward and move away from my once source of comfort.
He looks hurt when I look back to him, but I shake off the guilt and turn to look at my father who is now standing and watching our interaction. My fists clench by my sides with the way he’s staring at me.
“I hope you rot in hell.” I spit at him and finally turn on my heel, ready to walk away from this house, when;
“London?” Harry. He’s right behind me and his hot breaths are fanning out over my neck giving me goose bumps from head to toe. He reaches forward for my hand reluctantly I let him take hold of my arm and turn me around to face me. My knees nearly buckle when I look into his eyes.
The intense green heightens my emotions and I feel like sobbing into his chest and then yelling at him for hurting me the way he did.
“Are you okay?” He asks and pulls me into his arms, wrapping his long slender arms around my shoulders. My head presses into his neck and I nod my head. No, I want to tell him. I want to scream out to the world about what a mess my life is right now. I want everyone around to feel my pain.
The one person that I loved, wants nothing to do with me anymore.
My own father, the man who was part of my consuming process has been taking his anger out on me and my mother.
But I can’t find it in my heart to do it. I know that I wouldn’t survive the immense guilt that will come with the action.
Harry’s scent fills my nostrils when he pulls away to look me in the eyes. “Can we go for coffee?” He asks me.
-30 Minutes Later-
“Is it hot enough? I could go get you another if you like?” Harry nervously asks after I take the first sip of the steaming coffee resting in my hand. I bite back a laugh and nod my head thanking him softly for his troubles.
“So what did you want to talk about, Harry?” I ask him in hopes of diminishing the awkward air floating around us in the air like a bubble. Our bubble of destruction.
“Us,” he lets out a breath as I suck in one. Oh no. “I’m sorry for leaving you like that, London.” He says and reaches across the table to take my hand captive in his. His warm touch sends shivers up my spine and I catch a glimpse of a knowing smirk playing on his lips.
“What did I do wrong? I mean was I just not good enough anymore? Is it because of my lack of experience because if it is then-“
“No! No it’s not. God it’s nothing like that. You’re amazing, London.” He says and rubs his thumb up and down my knuckles, tingling the skin below.
“Then what? We were doing fine. Great even and then just out of the blue you leave. I don’t understand what I did wrong.” I look down at the cup of hot coffee in my hands and blow on the hot beverage in hopes of cooling it down just enough to swallow.
“You didn’t do anything. It’s just- fuck it’s complicated okay? That’s all I can really say.” He says and shakes his head.
“You didn’t do anything. It’s just- fuck it’s complicated okay? That’s all I can really say.” I tell the beautiful, broken girl sitting in front of me. I don’t know what to tell her. She wouldn’t understand.
“Try me.” She challenges and let’s go of my hand, taking a part of me with her withdrawing of skin-on-skin connection. Fuck, she’s set on finding out the truth.
“It’s Stone,” I say and watch as she stiffens at his name. it rest backwards and tell her. I spill my guts to her because I’m whipped. I’m so fucking whipped for her and I can’t even ignore the love I have for her anymore. I love her. So fucking much it hurts.
Finally after telling her everything about Stone threatening her life, I take a deep breath and look at her patiently waiting for her reaction.
“So you left me because Stone threatened to have me killed?” She asks. By now her coffee is finished and she’s playing with the white cup in her hands. I nod and look at her face trying to decipher her mood. “That wasn’t your decision!” She finally speaks, but it’s not what I wanted. It’s what I expected. She doesn’t understand. I watch silently as she pushes back the wooden old café chair and storms out of the danty 24/7 café.
“London!” I shout behind her after paying for her coffee. She pushes quickly past throngs of people until finally coming to a stop at the far end of the street. I jog to her and grab onto her wrist before she can run off again. “Let me explain.” I demand and for the first time ever, she actually shuts up and crosses her arms. A ‘well?’ expression is plastered and I take a breath before starting.
“Look, I know it wasn’t my decision to make, but there was no way in fuck that I was going to allow him to rip you away from me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that there was another way, any fucking other way. God London I’m so in love with you I can’t even wrap my head around it. I wasn’t about to let the only person in this fucking world be taken away so I did the only thing I could do and that was leaving you. Being without sucks, fuck does it suck, but at least you’re alive. I just- I can’t be without you-“
“Just stop! God just stop! If you meant a word you’re saying right now, you wouldn’t have done it! God you’re so selfish.” She growls and turns away from me. This time though, I don’t go after her. I watch as she hails a taxi and gets in.
I blew it.