BILLIONAIRE HARRY OSBORN’S RETURN
It’s been only one week since billionaire Harry Osborn arrived back in New York following his father’s death, but already controversy and speculation as to the real reasons behind both his departure and return are beginning to surface. Sources claim that Harry Osborn hurriedly left England before hearing of the illness of his father. We joined a school fellow of Harry’s to see what he had to say.
“Harry was a great friend of mine, but he was always reserved,” says Gladys Moore. (Male.) “We’d go out to parties, and he’d always be on the brink of hooking up with some girl, but he never followed it through. Didn’t even kiss them.” We asked him about the reasons that Harry left England.
“Left in a hurry after hearing something about that spider guy. Saw some photo of him in the paper and he was off.”
Gladys Moore states that Harry Osborn was often suspected of being homosexual, but always denied it.
“I know he was, though. Caught him on the phone to his father one time. Saying something about not letting his lifestyle affect anyone, and he just wanted to come home or some sh*t. Then he hung up, and I hear him hiss ‘homophobe’ into the phone. So yeah. He’s gay.”
So the real reason behind Harry Osborn’s departure? His father, sources in the Osborn mansion state, caught him making a Valentine card for another boy in his class. Harry Osborn was eight at the time.
But why, then, has this elusive billionaire genius returned? I investigated, and uncovered some interesting evidence.
The first photo of Spiderman- the equally elusive web-slinger of New York- was taken by Peter Parker, unemployed college student. Days after this paper (with picture and picture credit included) was published, Harry Osborn returned to New york. Only a few hours afterwards, a controversial picture was taken of the billionaire- with unemployed college student Peter Parker. (See below.)
So are the reasons for the billionaire's return finally clear? Rumours always follow the rich, handsome, and single, but are the rumours finally right? New York - The Goss was lucky enough to schedule an interview with the evasive billionaire, and this is what he had to say. Nita Skeetar reports.
‘Harry Osborn turned up ten minutes late for his interview, and when he finally did arrive, it was with an aggravated walk and an annoyed flip of his perfectly groomed hair. I kept quiet, and so out interview commenced.’
Nice to see you back in New York, Harry.
I’m sorry- are we friends?
You’d prefer I called you Mr Osborn?
Very well. Anyway, nice to see you back.
What do you say to the rumours about you and Mr Parker, Mr Osborn?
Which ones? The ones that say he’s an alien and I’m Spiderman, or the ones that say I’m a genetically enhanced mouse with bulimia and it’s actually him that’s Spiderman?
The ones that state that you are currently together, Mr Osborn.
Humbug. Do you see him here 'currently'? Exactly.
But what of the rumours that say you two are in a relationship?
Yeah, we are. We’re friends.
You’re being very evasive, Mr Osborn.
No. No, I’m not. This is evasive.
‘At that point, Mr Osborn got up and walked out, flipping me the English hand gesture at he did so.’
New York - The Goss was not able to confirm or deny these rumours following this interview. However, with the evidence presented and the unusually evasive way Mr Osborn reacted to Ms. Skeetar, we decided to schedule an interview with the even more evasive unemployed college student, Peter Parker. Nita Skeetar reports.
‘Peter Parker requested that our interview be conducted in public, in one of the more open park areas. I turned up ten minutes early, expecting a Harry Osborn repeat, only to find him already there, looking bedraggled and uncomfortable. After much apologising for being early on his part, out interview commenced.’
So, Mr Parker-
So, Peter. Happy to see your childhood friend back in New York?
Seen a lot of each other?
And what do you say to the rumours about you two?
Nothing. No matter what I say you’ll always speculate, so yeah.
You used to have a girlfriend, correct Peter? Gwen Stacey? I understand that you two split up several weeks ago.
No. No, you really don’t.
‘At this point, Mr Parker left me standing bemused and suspicious.’
Both men claim to be innocent of the rumours, but speculation, facts, and evidence all state otherwise. New York can only wait and see the result of this unlikely pairing.