Losing It // z.m

“What would you say if I offered you my virginity?"
Mischievous. Adamant. Curious.
What else is there to describe a girl on a mission?

Warning: Graphic scenes / Adult language


10. Chapter 8

It was while I was dreaming when I realized who I truly was. 


A crazy bitch.


How dare I run into a street to chase after a boy who couldn’t have cared less that I was alone at night.


I cared about him, I guess. Enough to risk my life, enough to be hooked up to these machines and see my mothers crying face when I finally did open my eyes days later.


“Winter, honey, are you okay?”


“Fine” I croaked, “water.”




I truly thought everyone was overreacting. I mean, I got hit by a car, yes, but I’m okay. Well I thought I was…


“I want you to tell me if you can feel this.”


I nodded at the doctor and watched as she ran a pen down my bare foot.


My eyes started to water as my throat closed. Oh my god.


“Not really” I croaked. 


She nodded and wrote in her clipboard. “The way the car hit contorted her spinal cord, making her lose some feeling in her legs. She’s not paralyzed, she just might need some therapy to get her back on her feet.”


“Thank god” my mother breathed out.


“How long will it take?” I immediately asked.


“A few months. Eleven at the most.”


“I’m not going to school” I snapped at my mom, “No way I’m going like this.”




“No mom! I can’t go! I’m already getting enough crap from everyone. I don’t need more. Please don’t make me.”


She slowly nodded and chewed at her bottom lip, “Fine. You can finish online.”


I looked back at the doctor and nearly whispered, “When can I start?”




Turns out my dad was M.I.A taking care of the asshole who hit me. Some drunk guy not knowing which side of the road to drive on. Stupid.


It’s been a couple weeks since the accident and being at home all the time sucked. Autumn came over every once in a while and some family too…but no Zayn.


I didn’t want to admit that I was hurt but I was. He was really the only person I wanted to talk to but after that night I’m not sure he wanted to talk to me.


I fell asleep after hours of an online lesson but completely forgot it all when I started thinking about that night and what Zayn told me.

It was terrible.


Thousands of thoughts soared through my mind, making me messily cry. 


I fell asleep that night with my lids nearly stuck together because of the tears.


When I did wake up late the next day it was quiet. I sniffled and flipped the covers from over my head and squinted as my eyes adjusted to the light. 

I blinked a few times for better sight, only to scream when the figure scared.


“Stop popping up like that!” I shrieked, throwing my pillow at him.


His eyes followed it and watched as it poorly missed his head. 


“Why are you even here?”


He shrugged.


What the hell does he mean he doesn’t know? 


“I have a very heavy conscience and I can’t quite help but feel that this is my fault.”


I shook my head and looked down at my useless legs, “Not your fault” I mumbled.


“I still feel that way” he murmured. A small smile fought to stay on his face, “Are you okay?”


I sighed and slightly rolled my eyes. I get that question everyday and I never answer with ‘okay’. It’s never okay. Nothing is ever okay. “Aren’t you supposed to be at school?”


“No one’ll miss me.”


I didn’t want him here. No matter all the days I missed him and wondered why he never came by, I didn’t want him here. Not when I was like this. “Can you please go?” 


“Orion I just came by to-“


“Leave Zayn! I don’t need you here. Please just go.”


“Can’t I just take you somewhere to make up for the lost time?”


“Has no one told you…”


“Told me what?”


“Zayn, I can’t…I can’t walk.”


He opened his mouth to say something but somehow cut himself off. His mouth slightly gaped and his eyes drifted to my blanket covered legs. “What do you mean?”


"The doctor said they’re not gonna work the way I want them to. Not for a while.”


“You can’t even feel them?”


“Since going to therapy I can. They’re just really…useless.”


He hung his head low and ran his fingers through his thick, black hair. “Orion, I’m so sorry.”


I gritted my teeth and tried to take some calming breaths. I hate the ‘I’m sorry’ shit when I clearly said it wasn’t his fault. It’s my fault for going after him when he obviously wanted nothing to do with me.


“Zayn, go, please. Just tell my mom to come up here on your way out.”


He shook his head, “Your parents left. I told them I’d help you for the day.”


“Why would you do that?”


He sighed and took a quick glance around my room before settling on me again. “Because I owe you.”




I was grateful for the help but I didn’t want it. Not from Zayn. 


I already felt worthless with needing help nine times out of ten but I didn’t want to look vulnerable in front of him. 


All day he’s been at my hand and foot but I couldn’t figure out if it was because he wanted to be or to free his guilty conscience. 

I wanted him to leave now because he’d done enough and being with him this way and not being with him was killing me.


“Thanks for the help and everything. You can go now.”


“I’m not leaving until your mom comes back. I promised her.”


“But I have to…um…I need a shower and I really don’t want you here when I do that.”


“Why not?”


“It’s weird” I whined. 


“If you need my help then please let me help you.”


“Why Zayn?” It was so frustrating not reading this guy. I was on the urge of tears and I couldn’t hide them like I usually would.


“Orion can’t you just accept the fact that I want to be here? I want to help.”


But not talk? I thought. He wants to help but when I try to help by reassuring that his past won’t bite him in the ass it’s WWIII. 


“Fine” I gritted. I threw the covers off of me and pushed at me legs ’til they dangled off of the bed. 


Zayn was suddenly next to me. “Here” he whispered, bending and swooping me up. I’d say it didn’t startle me but the little shriek I made said otherwise. 


He lightly chuckled, making my cheeks tinge as I swatted his shoulder. He took me down the hall to my bathroom and set me on the counter beside the sink. “Can you run the water please?”

He nodded and went to the bathtub to fill it. While he did that i removed my shirt and stupid ponytail. I looked down at my legs and sighed. I’d need help taking off my bottoms.


“Um, Zayn?”


“Yeah” he answered as he turned around. I noticed the once-over he gave me before letting his gaze settle on my chest. I frowned and snapped my fingers to get his attention. “Up here, perv.”


He bit at his lip and his eyes widened in a semi-innocent look. “What?”


I rolled my eyes and huffed. “I need help.”


“Ah, she admits defeat.”


“Whatever. Just please come help with these shorts.”


He came closer and laid his hands on my hips. “So just yank ‘em off or…”




“I’m kidding.” He hooked his fingers into the hem and began sliding them off with a shimmying motion. I had to grip the edge of the counter to keep from scooting off and once the bottoms were off I made sure to keep my legs closed.


No one is getting a peek at the cookie box.


“Stop staring!”


“Sorry! It’s just…there!”


I glared at him as I took off my bra and then threw it at his face. “Just carry me to the tub.”




After an argumentative bath Zayn wrapped me in a towel and carried me back to my room. 


“Okay so you don’t necessarily have to do this but the doctor gave me this cream and I…you know…have to get it worked into my muscles.”


A goofy smile spread on his face as he nodded. “If you’re asking for a massage, yes.”


I sighed and laid back on my bed, grabbing the bottle from my nightstand and handing it to him. “Just the legs.”


For the next twenty minutes I went through torture. It felt so good but not being able to voice my pleasure really sucked. I still had the towel covering everything above the legs but just being this way with him felt somewhat…intimate.


On my back I’d look down to see him really focused in the task and that made it all the more better. 


I reached up and lifted the hem of his shirt sleeve. “What does this one mean?”


He cleared his throat almost uncomfortably and mumbled, “My mom’s birthday.”


I bit at my lip, feeling a bit stupid for not guessing that myself. “How many do you have? Tattoos, I mean.”


“A lot” he lightly chuckled. “Some of them are a bit dumb now that i think about it but they meant something at the time.”


“Can I see?”


He sat back with his legs folded under him and in one motion removed his dark shirt. I noticed his tattoos before but never the details, the symbols.


He leaned back over me with his hands splayed either side of my head. He used his legs to knock mine open, leaving  me utterly exposed…but he didn’t look. As I looked up at his face he was only looking at mine. I reached up and laid my hand on his cheek, loving the feel of the hair as it tickled my palm.


My other hand made its way down his back and curved to his stomach. “Tell me about them.”


“I told you most of it.”


“I meant the tattoos.”


“Yeah…that’s what they mean. Just parts of my life that I felt the need to remember.”


I lightly nodded and let my eyes wander his torso. There were stars along his ribcage and they were slightly raised. My fingers traced along to the other one and once I figured out what they meant I let my mouth gape.


With little to no words to actually say, I croaked, “Orion.”


“Don’t feel so conceited. Maybe I like stars” he lightly smirked, making me smile. He then bit at his lip and looked suddenly serious. “I got it the day after the accident. I felt that…that if I ever lost you-“




“I’d always have you…in someway.”


“You’ve had me in plenty of ways” I lightly smiled. 


He breathed out a laugh and leaned down, softly kissing my forehead. The action sent shivers down my body and warmed my insides at the same time. He rested his forehead against mine and sighed, “Orion.”


“Zayn” I giggled. Freakin’ giggled.


His arm went under the curved of my back and arched my body towards him while the other hand went under my neck. I lost the smile I wore when he just stared at me. Not saying two words, he just stared. 


I felt as if, in some way, he cherished me. Just the way he looked at me or the way he held me. It felt like he didn’t want to lose me.


I stared back.


His eyes drew me in and made me realize that…that I was falling for him. This frustratingly dark guy that I let take a part of me…and I’m falling for him. 


When he did finally open his mouth to say something the words hit home. God, I wanted him.


“You’re so beautiful” he whispered, letting his lips skate across my cheek. My eyes fluttered shut and I tilted my head back, offering my lips for him to take. 


When he did take them, in such a gentle way, I couldn’t help but moan. 


With slightly losing the feeling in my legs meant the only feel-worthy area down there was…you know.


The kiss became more needy and I reached up to thread my fingers through his thick hair just for the hell of it. I gasped when his lips left mine only to connect with the side of my neck.


The hand that was on my neck was now making it’s sneaky path down my body and to my heat. 






 My god, he was a piece of work. Teasing and leaving me gasping. He nipped at my collar bone up to my ear while he used his fingers to enter me.


I was so needy.


My nails seemed to be needy too, digging into the skin on his back and leaving him hissing into my ear.


Not being able to touch him for weeks has made me want him more and as he pleasured me it was so evident. I moaned crazily, not able to arch my hips or tighten my thighs around him, just take it. 


His fingers curled inside of me and air left from my lungs. He kept at the action, massaging a very sensitive part inside of me until I was ready to burst. 


I connected our lips in a heated kiss and waited for the peak that I knew I’d reach.


“Zayn” I gasped, feeling it coming and it was coming hard.


Oh shit


I couldn’t even form a coherent sound. Strangled cries escaped my mouth and breathy moans as I came. Oh god…and it was good.




“Shit shit shit” I breathed out when the last wave of near oblivion came over me and I was completely boneless.


Zayn, with both of his hands now under my back, buried his face in my neck and sighed. “You’re the only girl I’ve ever been with.”


“Huh? Wait, what?”


“I said you’re the only girl I’ve-“


“I heard you but…what? There’s no way. You told me you weren’t a virgin.”


He lifted his head and rested his forehead against mine again, looking me straight in the eyes. “At the time when you asked…” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, fluttering them open to continue, “I felt like that man had taken that from me. I wasn’t pure.”


“Zayn, that’s not true.”


“But it is.”


“No” I softly argued. I took his chin between my fingers and gently stroked the stubble with my thumb. “That doesn’t count.”


I tilted my head and kissed him. I opened my eyes and ran them over his face, so troubled it was. “You were still a virgin.”


I saw just the slightest quirk to his mouth. “I like how you used that. Were.” 


I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck to bring him impossibly closer. “I’m guessing the internet really gave you some tips, huh?”


He lightly laughed and I watched in amusement as his cheeks flushed. 


“Aw, you’re blushing.”


“Whatever” he chuckled.


“Have you noticed…we’re a really confusing pair.”


“What do you mean?”


“One day we’re not talking to each other out of spite and the next I realize that…” I paused, not able to let the words come out. I’m such a p_ssy.


“We’ve completely fallen for each other.”


Yeah, he said it better.

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