I feel different not in the good way the bad way
Have you ever felt that everyone listens but never understands do you ever feel like the outcast of your group like you just sit there and listen to them talk about something they all have in common and you just nod trying to blend in but deep down your lost.
You've always been lost.
Or when they ask you do you have a talent
And you don't have an answer because the truth is you don't have one and you keep telling yourself that if your patient it will come to you naturally when u least expect it but then it never does and when you lose your patients you have to find it yourself.
I have tried it many times , wondered if i could sing or maybe dance or draw they all failed.
An example. Many.
There was this one time that i thought i could actually be a ballerina by rubbing soap all around the bottom of the tub and spinning not fast but very very slow and it was nice and i said to myself if i could dance in the clouds with the stars this is how i imagine it would feel that feeling didn't last long that when my foot got caught on the curtain and everything was a catastrophe that was the first time i ever broke my foot.
But thats not important have you ever wished to change something about yourself so that a guy or just someone whose attention you want can see that your not just that girl or guy. But like Ron Pope once sang " its like wishing for rain as i stand in the desert..." its impossible to change yourself you just have to accept who you are but sometimes its hard. Way too hard.
I think of all of this while I stare at the mirror and as Gran cuts my hair since it was way too long.
"Look gran mirror makes everything look beautiful and clear,perfect even me."
"What are you saying you are beautiful."
"No gran you think that becuase you love and care for me but no one will ever love me the way you do."
"You'll find someone."
"When," I say
"Be patient darling Gran," says cutting the last piece of my hair.
"There now no more long showers."
"Thanks gran," I say admiring my brown hair that was now just below my breast
"Your welcome," she says giving me a small smile
"Gran can I ask you something ," I say standing up from the chair and standing beside it.
"Why are mirrors so important to you especially this one," I say pointing to the one right in front of me.
"Its not important to me it was to your mom though."
I sigh "Gran?"
"What happened to her?"
"I'am sorry I cant tell you."
"Why not I say feeling my eyes sting."
"I promised not to tell."
"Promised who," I question her
"Look I cant tell you if I hadn't made that promise I'd tell you every thing."
"Gran I am just..."
"Scared,"she completes my sentence
I stare at her with shock
"How did you know."
She smiles "I can here your heat beating fast every time your scared."
"I don't... "
"I know your scared and that you don't understand but I will explain it when the time comes okay."
"Okay," I say
"Come here,"she says opening her arms to me
I walk to her and wrap my arms around her and she return the gesture
Grand hugs were like warm cookies
Enjoyable and comforting
We let go of each others embrace and she looks at me,kindness in her eyes
"Goodnight honey," she says kissing the tip of her fingers and pressing them right above my chest where my heart was located
A gesture that I got used to it
A gesture that told me that gran loved me and cared for me
"Goodnight gran sleep well," I say as I watch her walk out my room.
Sorry if there are some mistakes I did this on my phone!