When I Fell

Falling in love is tricky. There are so many movies and books that make it seem so easy and passionate and right but in the real word it's confusing and exciting and fun and frustrating and in the real world, things get in the way.

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36. XXXVI

Ruby's point of view

It's a weird feeling getting on the plane. It feels like the first time I'm separating myself from Jason. It's not completely, it's barely at all, but it's a little bit. I feel wrong at first, scared of what he might think or do, I feel like I should stay in Florida, like I'm under orders but I manage to convince myself that that's not the case as I get on the plane. I feel a little more free, just a little bit, like I'm walking on a tight rope and still wavering.

I didn't say goodbye to Chris but he sends me a message while I'm still on my flight. I don't want to open it in case he's angry but I see that's not the case. He hasn't even really acknowledged the fact that I didn't say anything to him before I left. He's acting like this is the goodbye.

Good luck in England, Rubes. You're gonna do great, let me know when you're settled down and message me if you need any help with English. I'm free any time to talk about anything you're worried about. Have fun, make friends x

I message him back:

Will do, thank you x

England is cold. And rainy. It reminds me of Washington and as I'm sitting in the car, enjoying the rain and cold, I realise that my time in Florida wasn't meant to be permanent, Florida wasn't meant to be home for me and neither was Chris. That was just some strange time in my life where I wore revealing clothes and had a boyfriend and went to parties and tanned. I realise now that I like the rain and being by myself and that's okay. I'm going to rediscover that part of myself here in England, I'm going to become myself again. I'm not going to be attached to Jason anymore and I'm not even going to be attached to Chris. I just want to be by myself again. 

I don't have a roommate which helps. My university dorm room is completely bare, there's not even sheets on the bed. We have a free day off today and my mom gave me extra money to buy things for my room so I venture out into the city to find some things. It's still raining but it's nice to be out in. I'm wearing my jeans which I haven't worn at all in Florida and a woolly jumper beneath my duffle coat and a beanie hat and boots and I love it.

The sky is grey and the streets have such a city vibe, not relaxed like Florida but still not stressful like NYC or anything and I'm walking all by myself and I love it. This is somewhere Jason would never live. This is somewhere nobody I know would ever live. I feel independent and I like that. 

I wander around shops all day. I pick out some pillow and quilt covers that are covered in autumn leaves, I buy a dark green rug, some cushions and blankets, and a poster of The Prince and the Showgirl because I love that movie and I also love My Week With Marilyn. I can't resist buying some of those glow in the dark stars to stick on my ceiling and as I'm on my way back to the tram, I spot one tiny little store I can't not go into.

Inside it sells all sorts of little things but I just come out with a little postcard that has a beach on it and 'Florida' is written in the sand. When I get back to the university, it's time to go to dinner. I don't speak to anybody or make any friends but I'm okay with that. Back in my dorm room, I tuck the post card under my pillow, put everything else in my room, send a picture to my mom and lie down on my bed, looking at the stars I've put on my ceiling. I feel happy for the first time in a while. 

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