Ruby's point of view
"You're getting thin, Rubes." Chris says as he walks into my room that night. I have all of the lights on and I'm stood at my book shelf organising my books. I've been trying to pass time before Chris got here. I've already decided not to tell him about the university choice tonight so I'm just looking forward to spending time with him. It makes me feel a little better.
"Am I?" I ask.
"Yeah." he says softly as he sits down on my bed. "You're eating right aren't you?"
I shrug. "Just don't feel hungry."
He pauses. "Earlier was horrible."
My skin crawls just remembering it. I try to hide it as I sit down on the bed beside him. "I know it was."
"I'm so sorry, Ruby." he sighs. "I tried so hard to suggest we all go somewhere else but nobody listened."
"It's not your fault." I take his hand and he squeezes mine.
"I hate him." he whispers. "I used to think he was such a great guy but I hate him. You know he goes around laughing and joking like usual as if he hasn't done anything? He'll joke around with Jonas like normal as if he hasn't done this to you."
"I don't think he has any idea what he's really done." I say, anger surging through me in a small burst.
"That's what makes me mad." Chris says in a low voice. "I hate him. Every time he speaks to me, I so almost hit him."
"You're doing the right thing in acting friendly." I promise him.
He nods. "I know."
He lets go of my hand and goes to kiss me before he realises what he's doing and pushes away. My heart is pounding and not in a good way. All I can think of is Jason's lips and I feel like crying. In fact, I start crying. I can't stop myself. I remember when we used to curl up in bed together and it was the best feeling in the world. I so want to do that again but it's like Jason's in between us, stopping us.
"I'm sorry." I whisper.
He shakes his head. "Don't be sorry."
"I so want to be able to do all of the things we did before." I wipe my eyes but tears are still stinging them. "I miss you."
"Hey, I'm right here." he holds my hand again. "You don't have to miss me."
I'm speaking fast now, hysterically even. "I do though. It's not the same anymore, Chris, I miss you, I want things to be like they were before, I miss doing more than just holding hands with you and-"
"Hey, hey, hey." he says quietly. "What's the matter? Does me touching you remind you of him?"
He looks at me for a moment before saying so quietly "Trust me."
He lets go of my hand and places his on my face, cupping my cheeks. I squirm away immediately but he smiles warmly and gently at me.
"It's me, Ruby." he whispers. "It's not anybody else, it's me. Okay?"
I look at him and nod, telling him it's okay. I still feel shaky but it's something. Both of his hands move to my waist and then my hips and then he scoots a little closer to me, the whole time always looking at me to make sure it's okay. He moves one hand from my hip to my face again, stroking a piece of hair out of the way.
"It's me." he whispers again. "It's just me."
"I know." I whisper back.
He looks at me for a moment, studying my entire face before looking back at my eyes.
"You're beautiful, Ruby."
"I don't think we can be together." I say, not being able to look at him. "I feel like I'm his."
"You're not his. You're not even mine. You're yours."
My heart aches. I don't know what to say. I don't believe him because I know it's not true. I am Jason's, I'm not mine and I'm definitely not Chris' anymore but it was so sweet of him to say that so I just keep quiet. Thank god he doesn't try to kiss me because I think that really would be too much but he does hold me close for a moment and I don't feel terrified.
"Stay in here tonight." I say in his ear.
I feel him nod.
I feel like I'm taking something that isn't mine anymore. I shouldn't be in love with Chris when I can never belong to him and there is somebody else out there who could love him back properly. Plus, I'm leaving for England soon. I feel like I'm using borrowed time.