When I Fell

Falling in love is tricky. There are so many movies and books that make it seem so easy and passionate and right but in the real word it's confusing and exciting and fun and frustrating and in the real world, things get in the way.

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30. XXX

Ruby's point of view

I've forgotten what life was like before what happened. Now I go day to day in a daze of putting up with having nothing else to think about. Now I go day to day walking around in this body that is no longer mine. Now I go day to day cringing whenever I am touched, whether it's a hug from my mum or a stranger in the street. Where ever I am touched, I remember how it felt when Jason's hands were there and I almost cry every time. 

Chris is hanging around the house a lot which is unbearable as well. Him and Jonas have even started coming into my room on their way out somewhere and inviting me along and I always say no. Jonas just accepts it with no problem but Chris always looks hurt or disappointed. I so want to be with him, I do, but it just won't work. What happened to me is who I am now. I can never escape that.

I can tell that I start to annoy people. Jonas starts sighing whenever I say no to going somewhere, even Chris begins to look irritated rather than worried or hurt. It's hard going through all of this alone. I just want to scream at them that something terrible happened but I know I can't. Even though it feels like what I should do, I know my own situation. I just need to keep my self control. 

One day, my bedroom door opens like usual and Chris and Jonas walk in.

"We're going to the woods, to that pool thing." Jonas announces in the tone of voice that shows he already knows I'll say no. "Wanna come?" 

"No thanks." I say simply, not looking at them. I'm tired of the look on their faces when I say no. 

Jonas sighs and leaves along with Chris and I just carry on lying there, feeling nothing. There's a line in a song that I heard when I was younger and it said 'you feel so low you feel nothing at all'. I used to always think that the person purposefully felt nothing because it was easier than feeling hurt. Now I'm realising that I don't really have a choice.

 

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